The Power Of Really Listening With Julienne Ryan

The Charla Anderson Show | Julienne B Ryan | Really Listening

 

Julienne Ryan, best-selling author of a unique ‘Communications Playbook’ inspired by her childhood in Queens, offers insights on really listening, creating front-stoop moments where being heard matters.

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The Power Of Really Listening With Julienne Ryan

Good, beautiful day, beautiful souls. This is Charla Anderson, the host of The Charla Anderson Show, collector and connector of fascinating people, and everyone is fascinating, especially YOU. Our amazing guest is Julienne Ryan, who we’ll be introducing in a moment, but first, I’m going to do a short mini-meditation to get us grounded, centered, and more on an even keel because sometimes we need that. Get off of our little devices and have a little fun. Taking a deep breath in for seven seconds of calm. Hold for four, and breathe out gratitude. Here we go.

Ready, set. Breathe in some calm. Hold, release, release, release, gratitude. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for doing that. We’re here on Win-Win Women TV, and we’ve got to go out all over the globe. We’ve met several times through Beyond Publishing with Michael Butler. We’ve got a communications catalyst, Julienne Ryan, and she’s written an amazing crazy title book because she’s from Queen New York and she wrote this amazing book called, say it.

I’ll say it because you can be a deep sea diver by the time you practice this title a few times. The Learned-it-in-Queens Communications Playbook with the tagline, Winning Against Digital Distraction.

Looking Back

Thank you, Julienne. I’m so excited to have you here on my show. We are getting ready to break open the communication puzzle especially since we’re all digitally connected with these devices, but we’re not connecting otherwise. It’s an interesting time in our society we’re there’s noise everywhere but are we hearing each other? As a communication catalyst, I think that you are going to share some pretty amazing stories and partly, you’ve learned because you grew up in Queens, New York and you’ve been married for decades, you said. Let’s talk a little bit. How do you stay married for decades?

That is the training academy.

 

The Charla Anderson Show | Julienne B Ryan | Really Listening

 

It’s live training, right?

Yes, every day. Repeat and then begin again. I grew up in Queens, New York. New York has five boroughs, and in New York City, Manhattan was always the king kingpin of the boroughs. I grew up in Queens and I was always aspiring, “One day I’m going to go where it’s important. I’m going to live in Manhattan because the rest of the boroughs weren’t so important. It was until I left the county, I was not that far. I’m a little bit North of the city and I started to do some writing where I appreciated what the growing up there taught me.

I’m going to start by first explaining the title to get your listening ready. I came up with that title because I was complaining all the time on the train. I was complaining on my commuter train into New York City that the human species had mutated. We had mutated into a heads-down living bubble species because we were always on our mobile phones. Nobody was listening, paying attention, or giving everyone their full focus and attention.

I was asked to give a talk, believe it or not. Sometimes we’re asked to do things that pull us out of our comfort zone and I was in a bit of a panic because I thought, “I’m going to be speaking to 500 people. It’s a big audience and they’re going to hear my queen’s accent. They’re going to say, what’s this short little woman coming to talk to us about and why should we listen?” The best gift that I got out of this situation is my inner voice, the queen’s girl with this scrappier sense said, “You’re just going to have to show up as yourself.”

That changed everything about my perspective, about myself, where I grew up, and that when we show up with our whole story, we appreciate ourselves, we show up differently and we’re in a better position to learn from others. I think I’ve heard you say this on many occasions, Charla. We teach what we are looking to learn ourselves.

Communication is a huge topic for me. I believe that I’m not married for decades partly because I realized at some point I want to be heard for what I’m saying and what I’m not saying. The surface stuff doesn’t get it. If you can’t be heard, it means someone’s not listening and sometimes it’s you. It takes two to communicate. I think it’s a huge topic. You talked about that you started speaking and as a flight attendant for 34 years, I’m from the South. I had a bias a little bit against the New Yorker accent in Boston. They take the R’s out of the middle of the words and stick the end on the end.

My name is Charla but I was Chalar from up there. Also, the temperament of that society, those snowbirds, and all that were different than us in the South. I’m from Houston. At some point, I had a little bit of a bias against that accent so to speak. It’s an overcoming thing for you too. I had a very strong Texas accent and I can have it if I want to, but sometimes we do try to work to overcome those kinds of things occasionally, right?

Absolutely. I think you bring up a good point that is in the book first of all, what assumptions are we making about the person when we see it? Now, you and I may share the same thing when people see blonde hair, they make their own biases and assumptions of what we’re going to be like and what our attitudes going to be like. When they hear where we’re from, we project some things that are good sometimes and some things not so good.

We can also have some fun with it. As a New Yorker, I know when I travel to the Midwest where my brother is, or when I go down South, I have to slow down and mind the beat of my pacing. My brother made fun of me one year when I was visiting because, like a New Yorker, things are fast. There are long lines and a lot of people. We got to move. I would be walking up to pay for something like, “Here’s all my change. It’s exact. I’m ready.” They’re like, “Take it down a notch.” When I was walking down the street, my brother was saying, “You are speedwalking everywhere.” “I got to go.”

I think it’s taking the humor of what we are. I have an expression that I coined years ago. It’s a story of tourism because when we visit another part of the country or another culture, we take in everything with a fresh eye. We see their architecture. We see what kind of plants they grow. We also look at ourselves. I think what you’re sharing is when you have that outsider looking in and saying, “Why are your buildings built this way?”

The Charla Anderson Show | Julienne B Ryan | Really Listening
Really Listening: When we visit another part of the country or become exposed to another culture, we take in everything with a fresh eye.

 

A little story from years ago. We had Irish friends that came over and their boys were very young at the time. It was the hottest day in July in New York City. We were all collapsed on a bench in Lower Manhattan and I thought, “What am I going to do with these kids? They’re going to be bored in a minute.” All of a sudden, one is almost jumping off the bench saying, “Look at that.” I’m like, “What’s happened?” He was so excited to see a manhole cover with steam coming out of it. “I thought that was a movie device. That happens.”

It’s because, in Ireland, it never gets that hot and steamy. That was a first and then on cue, this pop came by on our motorcycle and not only drove past. He got on the sidewalk and went through the park. I went, “Yes, thank you,” but it’s that fresh eye that was new for them, and I re-appreciated things I took for granted all the time in my city. With that, we had a good memory and a bit of connection. Now, we’re getting Dusty, the lamp, and your other headshot to visit us again. I’m letting you know how I’m experiencing this on my side. There is a headlamp, a very talented lamp on the other side of that that’s mining the digital experience. Where are we going to take this conversation?

Overcoming Incredible Shyness

I want to go back to something that I don’t think I’ve heard you ever address, but you mentioned it in what you sent to me. My show a lot of times is about offering hope and overcoming. You said you overcame incredible shyness and so did I. Isn’t that interesting? It’s debilitating shyness as a child. That doesn’t resonate with those of us who are out here on stage making TV shows and stuff like that. How did you overcome your shyness or how could you be shy in Queens, New York?

It was for many different reasons, part of culture, upbringing. Sometimes, we have to take the challenges of what we encountered and repurpose them. I think by the time I got to 12 or 13, I knew that I would need to learn how to communicate with others. It wasn’t that intellectual. It was like, “I need some social skills.” I’m very shy and the best thing I can do is to ask questions and take an interest.

Sometimes, we have to take our challenges and repurpose them. Click To Tweet

Also, my mother was very strict. She was European. I was exposed to some of the cultural things that other kids were doing. The more I asked questions sometimes and listened, people related and relaxed. We had good conversations and some good friendships grew out of that. It was showing up. Oddly, like yourself, we took that shyness and that ability to observe others and made it into a career. I started doing a lot of recruiting for a long time and then coaching and it’s all about showing up, speaking less, listening more, and being present, which is the best gift you can give anybody.

We talk about that a lot. You hear it. Be present. Be in the now. However, how do we do that? Many people don’t even have a clue what that means. In my talks, I say it a lot. It’s like, “Where you are is all you have. It’s right this second. Be there and love it.”

I have a visual I used in a group and I know the New York part of me was like, “Be present. Be chill. Come on. What are you talking about?” That’s impossible. I’ve got a busy life. I have a lot going on. When I say present, I’m not saying that it’s easy, but my best example of it is when I learned how to drive a car in New York years ago.

I took lessons as a high school student but never used it. As an adult, I had this bright idea that I would learn again and the driving instructor immediately put me on the highways in the streets of New York. From downtown Chinatown, which is a narrow street to the West side, highway over bridges and I have never been so present in my life because when you realize you’re driving this car that could harm yourself and someone else, you are present. That’s the visual I want to embed in our brains. Be present and listen even if it’s for a few minutes like your life depends on it.

When you do, things change and people are smart. We can tell when our focus has gone away. Usually, my phone is beeping, doing something, or flashing and it’s so hard to stay here but when we do, it changes how we’re hearing and remembering what somebody told us and the person senses it too and it takes it down. We’re not in a conflict. Our hormones calm down for a few minutes and we can just appreciate it. If we practice a little bit each day, it helps. I’m still teaching my husband about this. Every day is a lesson.

 

 

Be there. Be real. Be still and know. Being still is sometimes taking a moment or taking a deep breath like we did early on. Just breathing to slow down and go honestly asking yourself, “What am I hearing? Am I listening?” Listening is probably one of the best skills that we’ll ever learn. You said you’re a one-woman sustainability project.

I inherited these titles and labels. What I want to share is I just got off another podcast recording somebody who is a chief listening officer and has many roles. We all have the same language. It’s about being present and showing up for people. It’s not projecting our own ending on their stories and not writing our own script, but the acts of listening. One of the things I’ve learned because people explain, “What is your work about? What are you hoping?”

The book came about because I was working in HR and I was looking at so many situations where people were contentious. They shut people off. They ruled people out. They weren’t listening and were getting into trouble. I was spending way too much time at lawyers and I thought, “Nobody needs to be yelled at. Nobody listens and learns when we feel bad.” I wanted to have something that could be a bridge and be something everyone had in common because the digital has made it interesting.

We wouldn’t have met if we didn’t have digital options but it also is challenging because when we have the digital without the human connection and the voice, we’re writing our own script. We’re the director. We’re the narrator. We’re animating the characters and by the time we even have a conversation, we’re already finished the ending. The person hasn’t even shown up and we’re done. The humor is a device to disrupt and remind us to make fun of ourselves and to listen a little differently.

Humor is a device to disrupt. It reminds us to make fun of ourselves and to listen a little differently. Click To Tweet

I love that you call yourself humorous and that so much can break the ice. As a flight attendant, if I had some grumpy old dude that didn’t want to put a seatbelt on or whatever, I’m like, “I came to work to get away from people like you. I have a fourteen-year-old at home,” or whatever it was. Most of the time, a little bit of humor will settle things rather than escalate them. You’ve got to be discerning certainly, but I literally used that line when I came to work, “Sit down. Shut up. I’ve got a seventeen-year-old at home, and I can handle you.”

I would have loved to see you in action.

Bringing Out Uniqueness

It was so rare. It’s very few people. I don’t want to attract bad stuff for the most part. I attract good stuff. It was very rare that we had a hard situation personality-wise on a plane. When we did, there were times you had to get firm, but we managed. I did it for 34 years. You want to appreciate people, the parts of us that make us unique. I feel like your talent and one of your gifts is bringing out that. It’s asking the right questions and for the stories behind things.

What I loved about your example is the humor we’re both sharing is inclusive. We’re not diminishing somebody in the process. What you were doing, you were giving that person an option to regroup. You appreciated where they were in their life at that moment whatever the context was behind it. Whatever was contributing to their state of unique grumpiness or maybe not the most gracious could catch themselves and show up a little differently.

It was judging but in a non-judging matter that opened the door for them to be themselves in a better way. I respect that and that’s not easy in a confined space or there’s no exit for a long time. It makes me think about why I do this work. It didn’t start on a stage. It didn’t start with labels. I didn’t say, “I’m going to do this branding thing.” It started dealing with situations at work or meeting people in interviews and using stories so they could relax and talk about themselves in a more enriched way versus bullet points. That would help me get to know them and advocate for them.

I teach people in a way doing this. How to listen to themselves and others using the art of storytelling. I show folks how to bring their inner voices out so they can use their voices without having to raise their voices and communicate who they are and why. One conversation that’s respectful with listening and one authentic story at a time. Sometimes it has humor and sometimes it’s a compelling backstory. However, what I’ve seen and I feel very honored when people share true stories with me or they take a leap of faith, whether it’s in an audience or a group is we develop context.

We see that person differently. We learn and it changes the vibe. We rewrite old scripts that don’t serve us. It’s like when you leave now, I’m hoping you have a better script about New York or the Northeast that we talk with our hands. We talk fast. We’re a little crazy, but when we’re real, we’re real. Also, with the South, they were taking their time talking and I had to appreciate that that was an experience that was worth sharing and being part of. We don’t see each other the same way, but we can connect and we all have something that we can share and have in common if we try.

 

 

You say, “When we are connecting when we feel seen and heard, then the magic happens.” In the context of what we were talking about on the airplane if you allow someone to save face. Instead of calling them out where they feel humiliated, which backs them against the wall and all kinds of things like that. This response is triggered differently. It’s very important to me to try not to humiliate or call out someone and allow them to save face.

That is a credit to yourself. It’s sometimes not easy with strangers but it’s also not easy sometimes with our own family members or units because we have all these embedded dynamics and all these ways of looking at each other’s past experiences and things that people are disappointed. I’d love to say there’s a magic step, but it starts with us saying, “How do I want to show up? What’s one thing I have control over?”

If we can make a step into appreciating and finding the good or something and practice it. It doesn’t happen instantly but if you can do it every day and check our assumptions. Who’s writing the script? Go live if you can and make some attempts at some civilized conversations but also, check it out. Do small wins of things you have in common. Neutral topics sometimes help like gardening, food, nice weather, or whatever you can get some mileage at. “There was no traffic today.” It’s things you can talk about to build a foundation.

Once you’ve shared this story, as I said before, I’ve watched people who were thrown together unintentionally by me because I work sometimes in groups where you pull a number out of a hat and say, “You guys are going to sit together and form a little twosome and talk to each other.” Not knowing I pit the two people that the manager was the most worried about and now they’re sitting with each other for the group experience.

Sure enough, they found they had incredible things. They lived in their grandmother’s house. They were the same background. They cooked the same things. Did it fix everything overnight? I’m not going to tell you yes but it was a start and the rest of the group saw it and thought, “That’s something.” It made them get a little more courageous in how they were talking to each other and what they were sharing. Also, how they were looking at each other. Everything I learned is not because it’s instant or I come with, “I can fix everything.” I’m part of your experience when I’m doing this and I feel like it’s a gift for me to hear it, learn it, and partner with somebody but showing up with good intentions goes a long way.

Power Of Listening

Many years ago, I made a post that I reposted as a memory. It seems like the most judgmental people are the most miserable. We make assumptions so often and one of my favorite books is The Four Agreements. Don’t make assumptions. Don’t take things personally. If we could do that, don’t you think it’d be a better world because we’re assuming all the time that they’re against us rather than it’s just what’s going on?

It seems like a lot of people are making assumptions and thinking that it’s all about them. They’re thinking that instead of loving that person as another human being placed on earth with all their baggage and experiences. Also, we’ve got ours and we’re assuming all these things. It’s amazing if we ever get to the crux of communication with all of that coming together.

It’s a lesson. I had done talks in workshops and group things in HR in meetings way before I did this huge keynote speech that got turned into the book ultimately. I knew before that, I was practicing. I was ready. I knew the material was good. I was vetted. I tested all this stuff but I kept thinking, “These people are going to hear this New York accent.”

I was going to a place of fear. Stage nervousness is important because it helps you practice and get ready. I had a smart moment where I said, “I can go in there looking for good and seeing they’re going to be my new best friends for the morning,” or, “I can look at them as the enemy.” When I changed that, it helped a lot. It made a difference. However, sometimes we’re like a rubber band. We snap back.

I go to another part of a situation and I think the same thing again. People are going to look at me and they say, “What haven’t you learned,” and you show up but I think being mindful, being aware, joking ourselves, and checking the motor that’s going. It’s because sometimes you have a bad day or somebody hit your buttons or something, and you figure, “Say less than less. Hit pause. Don’t send emails. Don’t respond.” Not for a long time, but a lot of times live, pick up the phone, pick up a Zoom, and start with some basic statements like, “I think I misinterpreted,” or, “You may have misinterpreted my intention,” and do that.

When we do that instead of going back and forth and doing grief emails and talking about that person, you’re helping your own health or my health because I realize when we’re doing all that back and forth, it’s not helping us. We’re raising our cortisol levels hormonally. The more we can do listening, it’s a selfish exercise because it’s a wellness exercise. We’re helping ourselves be better and my Queen’s accent comes out with that word, here, there, and better.

The Charla Anderson Show | Julienne B Ryan | Really Listening
Really Listening: The more listening we can do, which is a wellness exercise, the more we are helping ourselves to be better.

 

Yes, And

You’ve got my crown here. A queen is good or being the queen. I love that you have something about curiosity. I have my little book Split-Second Transformation Change Your Words, Change Your Life: 31 Daily Practices that you can start. Instead of taking offense at something, how about having a discourse? How about asking a good question? How about going, “We must have different sources of information,” especially if you’re in politics or something like that? “You have a different source of information than I do. Where do you get your news?”

Curiosity in the communication space we’re talking about is a huge gift and you can always answer. It’s another chapter in my book, “Isn’t that Interesting? That makes sense.” It’s interesting. Also, it doesn’t agree or disagree. I’ve been going over this conversation a lot lately with people in my life and you go, “Yeah, but.” You escalate. Also, another chapter in that book, “Yes, And.” What if you can say not yes, I agree with you, but yes I hear you and your stance? “Yes, I hear you, and the trash is still not taken out,” and it doesn’t escalate. You keep your stance and your calm.

I am sure because you’re well-read and you explore all the time. You ask questions. Yes, and is something I started to use because I learned it from people doing improvisation. They use it instead of yes, but. It closes down the thinking and is confrontational. The yes, and, you can riff on it and appreciate it. It’s not like you’re always embedding it in every part of your conversation, but it is a connector and an extender. I like the fact that you are bringing responses like, “That’s interesting.”

Sometimes also just say thank you. “Thank you for sharing your perspective. I’ve learned something in the process,” because we never know what’s in somebody’s head. What somebody’s been talked to, how somebody’s been made to feel less than or came across a horrendous experience that shaped their whole experience with a group, a person, etc. However, if you can say, “I heard you,” and give them some sense that they’ve been seen, heard, and respected, it could evenly last a few minutes and it makes a difference.

 

 

Being okay to be wrong is another. You are like, “You just taught me something. I was misinformed or had a different perspective so I apologize for taking that wrong or being in the wrong.”

It takes a man and woman up to own it and show up a little differently the next time. Again, as you said, check our assumptions. I had the same conversation with my big brother and once a big brother is always a big brother. He was like, “I don’t understand what you’re saying about your message.” I was like, “What did he understand? There was a nice article.” He’s looking at it like, “What is this woman talking about?”

Just saying you’re wrong and you made a mistake and to show for minor things and bigger things sets the tone for your own life. As you said, “How do I want to show up? What do I want to attract to me?” The more you do that, people will read into that energy and be trusting. I came to your show. I was delighted you invited me, but also because I trusted your energy.

Julienne’s Book

Authenticity is the new sexy. I say it all the time. I feel like we talked about this before the show. I feel like when you are being real, you laugh at yourself, and you work a bit to bring out the best in others, you’re going to find a lot calmer life for the most part. I know when people read your book, you want them to laugh a lot and to put some of these little keys into practice.

 

The Charla Anderson Show | Julienne B Ryan | Really Listening

 

I’ll say it now because we’re not spending ending the conversation yet but I want to insert your website and how people find you. You might restate the name of your book. I got it on Kindle. It’s a great book and a lot of fun. Also, a lot of resources. You named a whole bunch of people who are from Queens and have that accent.

We’re very unique in our character and the way we molded this borough of insanity and stuff but it’s all good. It’s The Learned-it-in-Queens Communications Playbook. It’s meant to be a conversation with you. You’ll leave with a queen’s accent. You’re going to have to just live with that. It’s you and me. We’re all in it together is the message. We’re all learning every day.

We can have a do-over, which is when we make a mistake and need to repair it as well as what you’ll learn about in the book, a front stoop moment. However, I’ll let you get the book and look that up to see, “What she is talking about?” It’s about showing up and listening. Also, having a good moment and creating a moment with somebody and keeping it real.

Julienne, I love that you sent me a video about how to say your name because I was like, it’s J-U-L-I-E-N-N-E, and it’s how you chop vegetables, right?

Yes. My grandparents were so cute. They were Polish and they immigrated to France. My grandfather’s name was Julienne but no one coached them when they arrived in France to Paris to say, “By the way, that name is a cooking term.” It left me with a cross-cultural example of figuring it out and a lot of spelling. Most of my childhood spelling.

It’s a beautiful name. I do think it’s very pretty but I’m sure it is mispronounced occasionally. We want to get the book in everybody’s hands. We want the people to read it, learn, laugh, and communicate. Put their cell phones down for a second, get their heads up, and look people in the eyes. “What about that? What about smiling?” We used to call it the Texas way. You meet somebody and you absolutely have some of these human experiences where we’re not so self-absorbed.

I agree and when you let me into your offices or meetings, that’s my goal. It’s to show up. I’ll be more excited to listen to all your stories and that’s the difference. I love performing. I love engaging but the best thing is when I get to stand back and listen to other people share their stories and see folks start to group and do some amazing things together. To listen and smile.

Coaching, Podcast, And Keynotes

I guess you do actual live exercises. I know you do keynotes. I know you do coaching. You do group coaching and one-on-one coaching. Also, author writing. What else is going on?

It’s more like team building and sometimes we’re building on a team. Sometimes there’s a topic that the client wants to discuss but it all starts with foundational work about teaching, listening, and the sharing of the stories. I collaborate with another person called Jerome Deroy. He runs Narativ, which is a business storytelling company. We do a podcast together to keep busy.

That was one more thing I was like, “I know there’s something else.” It’s the podcast. Is it a weekly or how’s your podcast? What’s it called again?

It’s The Leadership Story Talks by Narativ. The company sponsors it and where it came from is an opportunity. We were in the midst of the pandemic and I was starting to have conversations with this colleague who I had done projects together. We pulled our resources together and worked with clients and we were having good conversations. I’m like, “We’re interesting but we need to talk to other people.”

We start to do Zoom and then we start to talk to each other. We then invited people we knew and then I got bold. The shy girl from Queens started to reach out to total strangers who were talking about engagement at companies, making change happen in organizations and cutting-edge digital transformation. I was saying, “You don’t know me but would you like to come talk to us?” That’s a whole nother world of your point in the beginning which is the power of one more question. Also, being curious and sometimes womaning up or manning up to show up can open a whole door of possibilities and we never know.

Being curious and showing up can open up a whole door of possibilities in your life. Click To Tweet

Front Stoop Moments

You did quickly mention front-stoop moments. We called it a porch. When I was growing up, we sat on the front porch. It’s a front stoop in New York. I think a term is a locality-based term but it brings to mind, and I love the idea of it because I had many of them right. Sitting on the front porch with my mom or snapping the beans on the front porch while we’re having conversations. I like the picture that brings to mind for me. You can start chatting about that car or that neighbor or whatever and it’s an easy place to have a good conversation.

It’s the proximity because to everybody who’s hearing this who is saying, “What’s a stoop?” I grew up thinking that’s a normal word, but the Dutch were one of the original settlers after the Native Americans and their word for steps was stoop. They built their steps particularly high because they had come from a very low-lying country that was always flooded. They brought that same sensibility to New York. The stoops were very used when they were all single-family homes back in the day in neighborhoods and are still there.

It’s because of the proximity to the sidewalk, that you could be apart but still together. You could people-watch. You could see the neighbor’s dog running by. You could watch somebody visiting the neighborhood and then you could talk to somebody next to you. Also, you tend to clump up when you are at this desk because it’s not like big seating. You have these little bit brick spots to go.

As a kid, I was the littlest one in the neighborhood for a long time. There weren’t a lot of little kids around. I ended up sitting with a lot of older ladies and listening to them talk and share things. Most of them came from another country and they would share stories. They would be cooking. As you said, shelling peas. They were giving lessons without realizing there were lessons among themselves and a very amazing group. They adopted me on that street and I got to show up in different stoops and listen to what was going on. I take it with me. They show up in a lot of my talks and they’re going to be part of some more stories as they go forward.

I love that so much. My next-door neighbors didn’t have a child so they called me the love child. I got to go do and watch. They took me to shrimp fishing down in Galveston. It was all different kinds of night fishing. It was a very interesting thing that I would never have been able to do otherwise. It’s great when you have next doors, communities, and loving people like that.

Marriage Talk

The time goes fast. So I’m going to circle back to one more thing about your marriage or the marriage talk we were talking about because of all places communication, you would think, would be fairly not good and natural in marriage, which is not the case most of the times. One of the things you said was what do you do? You were giving advice to somebody and, “What about my marriage?” He was like, “You have to put all your stuff in one spot and leave it there,” or something like that.

Park all your stuff in one spot and know that you’re going to have to show up day after day for a very long time until everything is done.

It cracked me up because park all your stuff in one spot and leave it there. I thought that was so funny.

When I was sharing this story driving, this young man was helping me with some things I was dealing with at my parent’s house when I had to move them out of where they were. We were driving home in this parkway that goes from Queens to Brooklyn and he asked me this. “I was looking at you guys and I admire that you’ve been together a long time.” I was like, “What do I say?” Everyone always expects this Hollywood explanation. It’s not. It’s showing up and being patient and going, “Some days, let’s get to the next day and do over. Try again and keep trying and trying.” He’s from Ireland so he is interesting. That’s a whole other story or episode for us to get together.

I saw where he apparently talks a lot in long sentences and imagine that you can’t get an award at Edgewise, which is interesting. I can’t imagine that but just staying there and doing it day after day. Also, having the commitment and doing small things that matter. I was giving advice about perhaps it’s a mature thing, but when that first ounce of resentment starts ebbing in, that’s when you want to start the communication.

Not until the resentment is ready to explode because nobody is perfect and no excellent, beautiful, wonderful people even if they’re soulmates. You still have communication in everything even if you’re raised in the same family. Backgrounds and experiences are different. You’re on a good path in trying to train. You said primarily corporate.

I do associations and groups. I’m very agnostic. If you want to meet and you are committed to having a good experience or doing something that celebrates your group. We use stories for that or if it’s interpersonal, it’s the process. Sometimes is similar but the result is something good. It’s about building community and listening. Also, finding new ways to engage and re-experience each other.

I’m at the stage when we go out and folks, I heard so many of my husband’s stories that I get more excited when I hear a new fact that I’m like, “That’s new.” It’s the same premise in the group that it’s something fresh, a new lens, and you have a laugh together. There’s always something to laugh and connect about and appreciate. That’s the goal. I show up in a lot of interesting places. I learn something every time I go.

The Charla Anderson Show | Julienne B Ryan | Really Listening
Really Listening: There is always something to laugh and connect about in this world.

 

You’re so bright. We are having fun. It’s a time to be real and love each other. Also, love each other through these crazy times we’re in and having grace. As I said nobody is perfect and they might be perfect for them and not receive it well. That give and take is a big deal. Julienne, I appreciate you coming on and lighting up the day. You have my favorite color in your background. Teal is my favorite color.

We learned so much about each other in this episode. We have so many things in common we didn’t know. We’ve run into each other a few times, but there’s always something else to discover and that’s the beauty of humans and it’s never-ending.

Closing words

Thank you very much for your contribution. Are there any final words you’d love to share and any advice or information or final words?

 

The Charla Anderson Show | Julienne B Ryan | Really Listening

 

We’re all connected in amazing ways. We have to listen because the best stories in the room will show up at the right time. Be patient and let it happen.

Patience is a huge piece of it. Be still for a moment. Pay attention. One of the last things is don’t take anything personally. It’s rarely about you. Thank you so much for the time, energy, fun, and laughter. It’s been great. I love you so much and we’ll be in touch.

Thank you. It’s been a gift. Cheers. Good luck, everyone. Thank you for reading.

 

Important Links

 

About Julienne B. Ryan

The Charla Anderson Show | Julienne B Ryan | Really ListeningJulienne B. Ryan grew up in Queens having three communication choices: be funny, fight, or run really fast. Ironically, everything she wanted to dismiss, avoid, or forget about her formative years has become useful now. Like a one-woman sustainability project, she now encourages people to try to appreciate the parts of themselves that make them unique. Besides being a humorist, she is an organizational storyteller, a keynote speaker, a facilitator and a soft-skills facilitator and coach.

She received her BA in Psychology & Urban Studies at Manhattan College and her MA in Organizational and Development Leadership at Teachers College at Columbia University. She is a certified AccumatchBI Coach, a certified Collective Brains Mentor, and a trained Narativ Method Facilitator. Julienne cohosts LEADERSHIP STORYTALKS by Narativ Podcast with Jerome Deroy, CEO – Narativ, Inc. Learn more about Julienne Ryan and her keynotes, workshops, podcasts and coaching practice at: JRyanPartners.com.

I’m Charla Anderson, host of The Charla Anderson Show, Collector & Connector of Fascinating People (and EVERYONE is Fascinating!) on live TV, streaming, and podcasts. As a Ziglar Legacy Certified Trainer, a retired award-winning flight attendant, Olympic Torchbearer, a personal development junkie, Inspired Speaker, a Published Author, and Your Courageous Coach, I want to share my passion for living life full-out, saying YES to intriguing opportunities, and encouraging YOU to do the same. Let’s jump on a discovery call and get to know each other. Find all things Charla at CharlaAnderson.com/links.

On The Charla Anderson Show, We Discuss Mindset, How much Your WORDS matter, Princess to Queen energy, mantras, HOPE, Faith, Miracles, Overcoming, and much, much more, including learning from amazing guests.

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