Unlock your leadership potential with Chief Empowerment Officer Dr Brian Grossman. Tune in as he discusses how to master your emotions and elevate personal and professional performance through mental fitness.
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Unlocking Leadership Potential With Dr. Brian Grossman
I’m so grateful you have joined us. We’ve got Dr. Brian Grossman. We have very similar ideas, mindset coaching, and expertise to help us get through these crazy times. First, before I introduce him, we’re going to do this little 22-second mini vacation. This little breathing exercise is because I love to just breathe in calm for seven seconds, hold for four seconds, and breathe out gratitude for eleven seconds. We’re just going to take a moment. Let’s bring it in some calm. Here we go. Hold. Release. Thank you.
Looking Back
I should take time to do that every single day. Multiple times a day. Get rid of those devices for a few seconds. Anyway, Dr. Brian Grossman, my dear new friend. I love getting to know you. We’re involved with our friend Lee-Anne Lyon in Leaders League. We just meet every Monday morning and have a good time. I’m so grateful that you would join us because you have something incredible to offer. You’re not only a PhD. You do so many variety of things and I want you to tell us who you are in this world and then we’ll talk a little bit about what you do.
Who am I? I am Brian Grossman. I am a PhD in Clinical Psychology. I have shifted my career to coaching and speaking. My whole view of the world or vision came in three thunderstruck moments. As a kid, I had a neuromuscular disorder and muscle weakness called myasthenia gravis. I did my first professional talk at sixteen for the Beverly Hills Women’s Chapter of that association for the 1,200 people just talking about my experience about being different.
It’s always puzzled me when you have something. Whatever it is, especially if it’s not visible, why do people treat you so differently. I’ve always been curious and asking questions and why the world is like this. My Rabbi’s son was at our pediatrician’s office when I was there and he said, “You keep coming here every few weeks. What’s going on?” He walked outside and with me and said, “We’re going to figure out your life purpose. What is the purpose of the Jewish people?” I said, “Be a light unto nations.” I don’t know what that means as a teenager.
He said, “How are you going to change the world around you? When you change the world around you, you change the people around you. When the people around you change, things happen.” I knew I wanted to be a psychologist in high school. I switched careers to business training and consulting. I went back into psychology, and my whole modus operandi was formed during my postdoc internship in helping underachieving kids. What’s an underachieving kids? The kids who test well. They bring genius level scores and bringing home Ds and Fs.
I believe this. If you get nothing else out of this call, I’d like you to just memorize this one concept, master your emotions. Emotional mastery. You are not your emotions. You are not angry, stubborn, irritable, and frustrated. You’re you and you have special gifts and talents. When you become a master of your emotions, you’re able to control things instead of being a ping pong ball reacting to people and events. You get happier, less stress, more productive, better relationships at work and at home or at home, more importantly and at work.
I coach a system that helps you block out all the negative noise. I happened to go to a networking, half financial planners and half real estate people. Everybody was griping the economy, interest rates, this and that. I did my 30-second chat and I said, “I think everybody needs to quit their job. We’re going to have a cataclysm. The economy is going to heck. Financial planners and real estate people are going to be out of business. You can’t do your jobs. Quit now. Go to Burger King.”
They’re all looking at me. I said, “Maybe control what you can control. What makes you different from everybody else in the room here because you all bring different talents?” I have a process proven through Stanford University. A few times of practice a day will help you block out the negative noise and master those emotions. Let me give you an example.
One of our negative emotions is the controller. If you’re watching on Zoom, I could say, “Charla, I need you to turn around. The book on your right-hand side is a quarter inch off and you need to move it quarter inch. Otherwise, I won’t be able to continue the interview.” The controller needs things to be done their way with everyone around them, and that’s a lot of stress and pressure.
I had a very high controller score when I went through the program. When I lowered the controller score, the hypervigilant score, and the pleaser. What’s the pleaser? You’re helping everybody. I’m in the helping profession, but I never asked for what I wanted or what I need and I was angry that no one did. When I started communicating, I wonder if and it seems like. I’d like to know my relationship with my life changed. My relationship with my grandkids, stepdaughter, and son-in-law changed.
It’s positive. I ask for what I need and we have discussions. We don’t argue and you can have the same thing. It’s a process. That was a lot. Master your emotions. Before we get involved in conversation, Info@DrBrianSpeaks.com. Whenever you’re reading this conversation, email me and I will send you a special report on lowering your saboteurs and take some action steps immediately.
That is awesome and very powerful. I love it. I write a book and every word matters. Every word comes from your thoughts, so managing your emotions around those thoughts. What if you just said, isn’t that interesting or we have different sources of information instead of taking offense to everything. Your happiness quotient goes up. I’m outrageously optimistic and I feel like there are so many beautiful things going on. I have that mindset. I don’t attract very many of the ugly things. I know they’re out there. I’m not being naive, but it doesn’t have to penetrate my world. That was a lot of good stuff in that first couple of minutes there.
Sorry about that.
Positive Intelligence
No, don’t be sorry. This is why we’re here. You and I have this: change your worlds and your life. 31 Daily Practices. Every word matters. You have a program that will help people because it’s not innate. We’re not taught that. You have a way. This is an emotional quotient thing, whatever it’s called. Go ahead and describe some of that.
It’s from Stanford University. It’s called Positive Intelligence, a subset of that. I like to call it mental fitness. You hopefully are exercising and we build up our body strength. This is rebooting your mind. This is literally we’ve seen in CAT scans and MRIs, when you do these simple exercises. I’m talking about four times a day for two minutes.
Four times a day for two minutes, you get it in an app, and then we talk once a week. You can see the blood flow change in your brain. You think of it like this, we have these emotional receptors. For those of you reading, the judge could be coming in. The judge said, “It’s another woo-woo thing, and it’s this. Charla is this, and Brian’s.” Let me tell you this, we’ve seen the blood flow and the brain change. When that happens, you shift your mindset and you can continue.
Your judge says this, “Don’t change. Don’t listen to new things. This isn’t going to work. That new plan won’t happen and that’s how we get into the trap of start, stop, start and stop or we tune out new ideas. We get stuck and this is a way of getting unstuck. I will say this. Charla mentioned she doesn’t attract the negaholics around her. Negativity spreads like a virus like the flu and so does positive and optimism. You can shift your mindset.
Simply put, what is the coaching I do? You can’t control the outside world. This is handle life’s curve balls with a positive mindset. Optimism works, so handle life curve balls with a positive mindset. However, it’s the rewiring of your mindset to let go of these saboteurs that impact us that have been ingrained for years. With daily practice over a period of a few weeks, you begin to shift that.
Now, the cool thing is that it is backed by 200,000 people who have done research at Stanford University. It’s not woo-woo. It is reality and a combination of things. That’s what’s so great about personal development. It keeps evolving. This is a combination of cognitive or thinking psychology, behavior psychology, neuroscience, and physiology about how we’re impacted because our whole body is impacted by everything around us and the people around us.
Many of you have had the experience. I’m sure you’ve walked into a restaurant. My family, I drive them crazy. If I take my great-grandpa with me, you can feel the negativity in the place. I’m like, “If you can feel the negativity walking in, I don’t want to eat their food.” I’m out the door. It’s just a way of making a shift that does a key concept. I’d love to hear your opinion on this, Charla. If you’re reading, the same thing with Charla. I’m curious what you think.
It’s like we made a misstep in personal development in psychology I’m going to say around the ‘80s or ‘90s, which was you be optimistic, you change, you do this, and you can change the world. I used to do a lot of substance abuse treatment and a mentor of mine said a great phrase. He said, “You can’t fight alcoholism.” I also teach weight loss. I was overweight. I’m a one-time winner and one-time loser. I had the easy lap band procedure. I lost the weight and gained it back.
I realized when I had the second surgery of gastric sleeve, I’ve kept 180 pounds off for years now, that it’s emotional. Here’s the shift. You change how you react to the outside world. When you ask different questions, when you change how you interact with people, they are forced to change how they interact with you.
Change how you react to the outside world. Share on XFor instance, I had a consult with a business owner and we’re on a group call. Thank goodness his HR director and VP was on. He just started letting the insults fly because he thought what I was talking about was to woo-woo. I let him go on for a minute and we’re on Zoom. I held my hand up to the camera and he said, “What?” I said, “Please just take a breath. I only have one question for you. He said, “What’s that?” I said, “How does the personnel people around you in your closed circle react when you treat them like you just treated me?”
The HR person, without me prompting, said, “We have 60 % workplace turnover. I close my door when he’s in one of those moods.” I didn’t say anything and he said, “Well.” I said, “There’s a difference between expressing frustration and anger to get a result and scaring people and intimidating them.” I caused less than 60% workplace turnover.
Along with that, it’s a demeaning of people, diminishing them. Bullies are victims, too. They come from a place of intimidation or whatever has happened to them. You just have 1,000 gems. I’m just interested and very inspired in all this. What was your question you wanted me to answer?
One, do you find that negativity spreads and two, that we did make a mistake earlier in personal development? It’s like, “I can’t change the world. That’s too much responsibility.” I can change how I react and act. I’m on your show. I think we’re on the same page with that, but maybe you phrase it differently.
We are our circumstances and instead of reacting, we get to choose and it’s all choice. We get to choose. I once told my grandkids, “Nobody can hurt your feelings without your permission.” Don’t be walking around waiting to be offended. Nobody can hurt your feelings or make you angry without your permission. You’ve got to let that in. You stay in your positive mindset and you can react. It doesn’t mean we don’t have a moment, “They cut me off or whatever.”
May you be blessed. I say this a lot in this example, but maybe they have to go to the bathroom more than I do. Why would we make our world so upset over something that’s already happened? We can’t change what just happened. We can’t change what we just said. We can only change the next one and change that.
For all your readers out there, I want you to get this. None of us are perfect. We make mistakes. We’re a product of our environment in one way. My dad was from Brooklyn, New York, and I picked up his big mouth, but you said something that I’d love our readers to comment on. It’s a phrase that drove me insane in grad school. It’s like, “No one makes you angry. You get angry.” When one of my professors kept harping on that, it was cognitive, which is thinking psychology.
Dealing With Anger
I literally said, “If I throw a rock and hit you in the forehead, you’re going to get angry. I guarantee it.” He said, “Yes, anger can be the appropriate response. Generally, though, you can choose how you react. You don’t have to explode with that anger. You can choose how you’re going to use the anger.” Sometimes, anger is not the appropriate response. You decide how you’re going to act and react, so you’re in control of that.
I wish the phrase back then in the ‘80s when I was in school was, “You choose how you’re going to act and it could be anger. If I say “Charla makes me angry,” you choose to let Charla make you angry because she’s just being Charla. She’s not doing anything. Generally, there are negaholics out there. My favorite example is in the workplace. There’s a pen clicking. When we used to work in cubicles, a negaholic would have the pen click. If I take the pen away, they went and got Mr. Microphone and would talk loud.
We didn’t solve the issue. I was irritated, so then I learned, “Joe and Susie, can we have a conversation? I’m wondering why you need to click your pen like that. Does it help you relax? Is there something else if I get you a brush ball? Can you do that? It makes it hard for me to concentrate in this environment.” There are different ways to solve the issue, but grabbing the pen doesn’t solve the issue because the behavior will change. That’s what brings happiness to relationships that working at home is when you ask, “Why is this happening? Here’s how it makes me feel. What can we do about it?”
You have a solution discussion. It’s a completely different way. In the workplace, “Why don’t I have time for that?’ If you have time for 50% or 40 % workplace turnover, you have time to have a quick conversation to listen to your employees. Do we get out of patients at home? Do we get on each other’s nerves? Yes, but it’s important to take the time to check in and have these conversations about how you want to approach what’s coming. When you do that, you optimize and you’re happier.
One of the little stories that I had in 31 Daily Practices and my Split-Second Transformation book. This was not a split-second, perhaps because I had a split-second transformation from bitterness to joy. It can be done. It is done all the time, and then you change your words. Everything. What you say after I am is who I am. It’s the God in you. “I am angry.” Change your word. “I am tired.” Even less is bedtime, are you?
What if you say I’m refreshed? What if you say I’m energized or I’m bumped? You think you’re lying to yourself and the negative people out there will say, “You’re lying to yourself.” I’m like, “Try it.” Your energy does shift, and if it doesn’t do a lot but is a little bit incremental, you’re not going to get less tired by saying it. This is one of the stories I wanted to say, and this is something I don’t think I’ve told on my show. I repeat a lot of my stuff because it’s so consistent.
One of the managing ways and I had decided to start buying a stuffed elephant for a wedding gift and then print out the little story as a part of my wedding gift. It’s like, what if when that first feeling of resentment starts, that’s when you go, “What’s going on?” If there’s that first bit of resentment in that bills and you don’t deal with it. They come in and you blow up they come home from work. They hadn’t been thinking what you’ve been thinking all day.
Anyway, I found this trick to be fun to have the story. There’s something going on and what if we take this stuffed elephant and put it on the coffee table, on the bed, or wherever you want to have a conversation. That’s a sign that they know that there’s some conversation needing to come up. They might be worried about it, but then you can pace yourself. You can choose when the right time is and go, “I see the elephant in the room. I’m too wired, but can we talk about it later?” To me, that is a very practical way to start building a relationship conversation.
I love that. That’s a great idea.
It goes along with what you’re talking about. We get to choose our reaction, and so often, those little resentments that don’t get discussed get blown up. All of a sudden, he’s a bad person. It’s not that he’s a bad person. Instead, we just haven’t talked.
If you’re in a relationship, checking in is crucial. When we’re when we get wound up in ourselves and we don’t check in, then you’re “surprised” by things. If you keep checking in, sharing plans and talk about where you’re going and where you’re headed and how you’re going to get there. Less emotional tumult and surprises and more being on the same page lends itself to happier relationships.
I went off-track right there, but another piece of this little book. I don’t always talk about my books, but it’s the same concept for some reason. We get to choose our words. We don’t always choose our thoughts. We can choose our reactions and our words. Preferences is another great concept in a relationship because most of the time, we’re upset about something. It’s about a preference. I squeeze in the middle. You clean up the tube. If you let those little resentments build up, you get divorced because of a toothpaste tube. Sometimes it comes almost back down to that.
It’s flooding that build up and exploding over that. I’ve been there. One of my favorite comedians has a joke about he opened up his show and he said, “Ladies, let’s just get this out of the way first while we spend the next hour together. There is no wrong way to load the dishwasher if you put the dishes on the bottom and the bowls on top. Everything else will fit.” There were 50 % women. It was just hysterical how everybody responded by talking about that. We’ll talk about that later.
“I’ve loaded that dishwasher for 30 years. You can do it.”
Taking A Breath
It’s something that we ignore because we’re on the go and on the go. If you stop for a moment, and that’s why the coaching I do has exercises four times a day for two minutes. If you stop and ground yourself, if you start feeling that rush of anger, frustration, or fed up, “It’s happening again,” that’s when you need to take a breath. If you just ask yourself, “What’s the feeling in my body?” If you don’t ignore that, then you’re less likely to overreact, overeat, and explode.
It’s like, “What’s happening in my body? Where do I feel it? Why is this happening?” Take a breath. One, if you take a breath before you act or say something, you reboot. You’re more apt to say something less caustic, less transactional, and less argumentative. Reactive, that’s the term. It’s what’s the feeling in your body. It is as simple as food. Sometimes, we’re trained and I was and still am an expert. I can talk for hours about emotional eating.
When I know I’m not hungry but want to eat, I have to ask, “What am I feeling? What’s going on?” I drink water instead. It’s just crucial. That helps you separate out bad behaviors and bad reactions to more positive ones. Something amazing happens when you start piling little bits of positivism throughout the day. You feel better. Consequently, if you want to start repeating those behaviors the next day and the next day, then it becomes a change of habit. That’s how we rewire our brain.
Something amazing happens when you start piling little bits of positivism throughout the day. Share on XWe don’t want you to slip back into those old habits, but those emotional saboteurs are powerful. Here’s another thing. I love your view on words. I would like everybody to think about what are your mental health toolbox because my background is mental health. If I’m getting frustrated, I will take a breath. I’ll ask myself where I feel it in my body. I’m going to do that pattern interrupt.
I also have comedy bits on my phone that make me laugh, such as a favorite song or quote, and I can cycle through ten of those. All different things, whatever it takes to reset. That takes 10 seconds or 20 seconds. It’s okay to take a reset and understand. “I’m getting wound up. What do I need to do to wind down to handle this well or to handle this so it doesn’t cause ten more issues?” That lends itself to a happier optimistic attitude. When you let go of, “I don’t have to change the world. I just have to change me, then the people around me will change.” You’re freer. It’s a lot to take on to change other people in the world.
Rewiring Old Habits
It’s brilliant here. We don’t have to change anything else or anyone else. When we can begin to be calm and be discerning and our view of other people and their reactions doesn’t affect us as much. That’s a great thing. You have a favorite quote. You said, “Life inflicts the same setbacks and tragedies on the optimists as on the pessimists, but the optimist weathers them better.” That’s from Martin Seligman.
Yes, a psychologist and professor from the ‘50s, ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s wrote the best-selling book. You can still get it, Optimism Works. When I read that and I was getting into psychology, I thought, “What a powerful tool. You can be positive and happy.” Not pie in the sky. It’s a different approach. Life’s challenges are going to keep coming. It’s How you want to respond to them.
Everybody who’s reading, there’s ten million things going on so it might be hard to focus. I’d love for you all to read this again a couple of times. You take a breath, as Charla opened the show. Bring in gratitude, but what are you feeling in your body? You can bring up a non-sequitur when people get ramped up around you. Something that has nothing to do with anything. It’s like, I was running this group and this one guy just wouldn’t let something go.
I stopped and said, “We got to do a reset.” I said, “Do you know what’s happening right now in Antarctica?” They’re like, “What?” I said, “It’s going to happen. The largest glacier is cracking. When it does, without getting into politics, the people in Florida who are in denial about climate change, Miami’s going to be underwater within six months. What can you do about that?” I held up my thermos. Do I have a plastic bottle? I have three plastic bottles left in the house. I always freeze my water bottle. I love ice-cold water. Don’t put your thermos in the freezer or the glass will crack.
I don’t keep buying plastic bottles. I change what I can within my environment. I’m doing what I can right around me. If the people around me want to follow my lead, great. If they don’t, I’m doing what I can do and I let go of the rest. For all of you reading, what do you want? What do you need to make yourself happier? Express it, talk about it, share it and start making it happen. Let’s talk about how you’re going to rewire those old habits.
If you feel your thumb in your forefinger and rub your fingertips, that does a brain reset. Do that for twenty seconds while you breathe in and breathe out. There’s a way of being, then I’d like you to tap into what do you love. I’m a Star Wars, Sci-Fi, Star Trek fanatic. I’m a movie guy. I drive my family crazy with movie quotes and clips.
I’ll never forget when I was doing a seminar years ago, and I am now divorced. I’m with my current wife. We’re extremely happy. The guy goes, “How do you have time to memorize all these movie lines?” I said, “I go home and I open up my bed. I roll in the money I’m making and they’re all looking at me.” I said, “No, technology,” and this was in the late ‘90s. It hasn’t solved two things. Now that we’re in 2024, they still haven’t solved it, ironing and vacuuming.
There’s a Roomba, but it doesn’t do it thoroughly. When I’m vacuuming, dusting, and ironing, I have a favorite movie on in the background. I don’t have to pay attention to it, but I hear the lines over and over when I’m doing a conflict resolution seminar. I could draw from something from Star Trek, and that’s the director controller personality or the type A. If you can laugh while learning something new, you lower the tension and absorb it. That’s what I love doing. It’s making people laugh and light up.
That is great, the vacuum thing that you just said. I loved it when I ran across a house cleaner. She called it blessing her home. It’s a whole mindset. You should bless it instead, “This is a chore.” Change it to blessing your home. That’s a quick mindset change. You don’t have to make everything a chore. I don’t like that word. Also, back in the day, probably ‘80s. The Kirby guy comes around, the Kirby vacuum cleaners.
It did all this and this. We bought a $1,500 vacuum cleaner back in the ‘80s. Whatever it was. Crazy. I still had to turn it on, use it and plug it in. I was like, “I will never do that again unless they’re going to come do it for me,” because that was a very early 20s and early 30s era of learning that somebody still had to do.
Somebody still has to do it, but I will say Kirby Vacuum, then I forgot the other guy. He had a vacuum and an air freshener. He was always innovating something. His products worked. We had a Kirby Vacuum for 15 years and with 2 older brothers.
It was so heavy.
It was a workhorse, but you’re right.
I still have mine, by the way. Not that first one, but the second one in the end.
You still have to take the action. That’s a very important reminder.
Somebody still got to plug it in, turn it on and do the work.
Free Report
Again, a quick reminder before we run out of time. If you’d like a free report on emotional saboteurs and how they impact you, email me directly Info@DrBrianSpeaks.com. Some of you are going, “Why can’t I go to your website and just download it?” You could, except there was a hiccup with my website and I hit the wrong button. This is a great example of a saboteur. My avoider saboteur could have said, “I need to email Charla fifteen minutes before the show and say, ‘I can’t do it because I don’t have the download report.’” All of you have my email and you’ll get your free report. In a few hours, I will figure out how to fix my webpage because I want to do it myself rather than have somebody else. I learn.
When a hiccup happens, you don’t have to avoid. Own up. “Should I have done this a week ago?” Probably. I didn’t. I did write the report. I did put a cool graphic. You’ll be wowed just from the graphic, I’m sure. It’s my initials. It’s going to blow you away, but the point is you’ll get the information. For all of us, stuff happens and that saboteur will pop up. You don’t have to avoid. Face up. Face the music. Get through it. People have more respect for you and you’ll be optimized, happier, and healthier for having sex.
DrBrianGrossman.com is your website and I’m sure by the time most people read this, it would be working. What is your dream? You just said a call to action, but you want people to go to Info@DrBrianSpeaks.com and get the download.
Put in Saboture Report or Charla Anderson TV show and I will send you the report. If you want to schedule a chat with me, I would love to schedule a chat. There is no obligation for anything, but we’ll talk about whether you agree with your saboteurs, understand how they’re impacting you, and ask if you would like to make a change. I will offer you.
Saboteur
You do coaching, so it’s part of that, but you also have a free offer. Am I the right guy, right? Would you define saboteur? I’m not sure everybody understands what that is.
What is a saboteur? Sabotage is a way of where we keep making the same mistake over and over, or we unconsciously, purposely stop our progress. If you think of kids, you’ve probably had your kids come home and say, “By the way, mom and dad, I need to build a lava volcano tonight because it’s due tomorrow when they’ve known the information for weeks.” We put off things for the last minute or overreact when we’re triggered.
A saboteur is an emotion that we have that criticizes us when we want to make a change and it likes to keep us stuck. The overriding saboteur judge. Critical of anything you want to do to make a change. It’s that negative voice, “This won’t work.” “Don’t buy that.” “Don’t do this program.” “Don’t go to that weekend seminar.” “Don’t read that new book.” “Tune out your spouse.” They’re just going on and on.
You like things done a certain way. Now, before I go on, it’s important to know, the saboteurs help us. They are a warning sign. “Don’t put your hand on a hot stove.” That’s success. Not sabotage. However, you tie those two together with the controller and the judge. When people don’t respond or do things the way you feel it needs to be with your controller viewpoint. You get frustrated. When you get frustrated, you start communicating in a different way.
We combine that. Let’s say you have a higher score of hypervigilant. Not only does it need to be done your way, but it also needs to be a struggle for perfection. Don’t let perfect get in the way. Even in engineering, does it have to be perfect? No, it needs to meet or exceed safety standards. Boeing knows that. It needs to meet or exceed safety standards. Is it perfect? Probably as close as we can get as human beings and machines can be. When you struggle for that, what happens if you are leading a team? You’re a micromanager. You’re always correcting. Nothing is good enough.
That leads for you to be unhappy and you’re driving the people around you away. There’s judge, hypervigilant, controller, and victim. All of you, if you’re reading this, victim. We feel sorry for ourselves. We want sympathy and attention. If you want the single greatest scene in movie history that will identify the victim role for you, go to YouTube and type in Moonstruck Bakery Scene. When Nicholas Cage is yelling at Cher that he lost his hand and it’s his brother’s fault, he just goes on and on about how his whole life changed because he lost the fingers of his hand in an accident.
You can keep harping on that same issue and let it carry through your life or the victim role harms us as a saboteur. We get stuck and we want people to keep saving us. Over a period of time, people are not going to want to be with you. My second favorite one, when I took the quiz, I’m in control or hypervigilant pleaser. I’m in the helping profession. I want to step in. Sometimes, people don’t want you to step in. Ask first. Also, I became irritated and angry because no one would ask me. When no one asked me, why didn’t I just state what I wanted? Not that you’re transactional in relationships.
If you say, “Honey, or spouse, or son, what if? I wonder if, could we, I’d like to know, I’d like to do this. What do you think?” You have a conversation, then those needs get met and that helps. The saboteurs get in the way because whichever ones you’re strong in, you’re not conscious of pushing people away and not letting other people use their talents around you, whether at home or at work. Sabotage works in a different way. Sometimes, we have a fear factor and we get stuck in fear of success. We will blow it unconsciously to not fulfill what we want.
It happens so often, I believe, in so many ways where we self-sabotage. One of the things, we’re talking about the voice in your head. This is basically who these characters are. These saboteurs, they’re characters. They will never ever say, “That’s a great idea. Go try something new,” if only. They will only keep you in what they already know. You cannot move forward into something new unless you can quiet these guys down.
If they don’t know that you have a voice in your head. It’s the one that just told you, “You don’t have a voice in your head.” That’s the truth, but that’s what we’re talking about. There’s not a person on earth that doesn’t have someone harping in their ears. The point of meditation so often is to see if we can quiet that down, but a lot of people have trouble with meditation because they can’t seem to get to that point where they can quiet it down. They’re quiet now, so let’s get active and tell them all is wrong then we’re all set.
You’re describing the restless saboteur perfectly.
It’s the truth. There are hundreds of them or probably thousands. I don’t know, but you’ve pointed out some of the most common ones that will that keep us stuck. When you have an idea, you want to do something. They’re the ones that are going to go, “Who do you think you are? Don’t get too big for your bridges.” The parenting voices will come in and all of that.
Goal Setting
It’s a great tool that you have this program of trying or all having folks be able to address them, look at them, and see how this is going to bless me and others. My mama said, “Live the world a better place.” When we want to do something towards that, it starts with us. It starts with living us better and not just living in your reactions. That’s where we started all this. We’re winding down. I want you to tell. Go right ahead. We got a few more minutes.
For all those people reading that might be entrepreneurial or business owners, sometimes we just stop ourselves. It’s okay to ask for what you want. The worst answer will be no. At least you know, then you can move on. I remember working for a seminar company. Our goal was you’d come to how to communicate with tact and finesse or how to be a better supervisor for the first time. We would sell you back of the room books and tapes because if you could learn what you needed in eight hours, there will be a different place.
Jack Canfield wrote a best-selling book called The Success Principles and I became one of the speakers and that was the top reseller of that product. He came to talk to us as speakers, held up something, and said, “Who wants this?” Everybody was like, “I do. I got up out of my chair and grabbed it.” He said, “That’s how you take action.” I didn’t want to be one of the hundred who asked. I just got up and grabbed it. He could have said, “No, you need to ask,” but he was waiting to see if someone would take action.
I was so lucky in my life, years and years ago. He was pretty famous then, but right before I started grad school in 1989, I went to Tony Robbins, Fire Walk With Me. I never thought I could write a dissertation. Everybody said it has to be 500 pages. The longest-term paper I ever wrote was 25 because I was taught, “Tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them. Tell them what you told them and end.” When it came time to walk across the hot coals on Saturday night, I jumped up first.
As we were walking towards the coals, I looked up. He’s 6’7” and I said, “You’re the big mentor. Why don’t you walk with me?” He said, “I will.” He took his shoes and socks off and he walked across with me. He said, “Do you know the cost of this?” I said, “I already paid for this. I’m a grad student. This was two months-worth of work.” He said, “No, you’re going to walk 40 people across.” I walked across 40 times, and that just proved to me that you can’t accomplish anything.
Sometimes, we lose that. For all of you, the gift I want to offer is you can accomplish anything. You do need to be realistic. I am not going to be an NBA star. I’m in my 60s and I’m 5‘10”. You’ve got to have realistic goals but you can set goals, jump forward, and make progress. You can reduce those saboteurs and as Charla has reminded us, words matter. You are not your emotions. You are you. Let’s help you bring your gifts to the table. Tune out the negative noise.
There’s a lot of negative noise to tune into. I can’t tell you how much happier I am. I used to listen to a political show every morning on the drive to work, and now I listen once a week because I like the guy who talks, but if something world just happens, my phone and my email will blow up and I will pay attention. Otherwise, I need to take care of what’s my responsibilities at home, responsibilities to me, and how can I help people in coaching and speaking. That’s enough on my plate.
I don’t watch TV. I promise you, I don’t have to know. I don’t have to know what’s going on I. I know I will know when something’s going on. I was in the air during 9/11.
Many of us will never forget. I was in Allentown, Pennsylvania, doing a training seminar. Here’s a funny one. I like to do a little shock value. People say, “When did you meet your wife?” I said, “It’s the best day of my life. It was 9 /11.” They ask, “What are you talking about?” I said, “I met her 9/11/11. Not that 9/11. I didn’t know her at that 9/11. Is it an important day? It is.”
For thousands and thousands of people, it is a dreadful anniversary. There is no minimizing that, but even those people have to learn how you can move on. How do you optimize? How do you spread the word of what you want to have changed from that experience? I remember that day. I won’t forget, but I also have fond memories of 9/11/11. It was a day that changed my life forever.
I love that because it’s so inspiring when you see someone has lost a child and then they have created this entire movement around that issue or whatever happened. It’s very powerful not to stay, and you’ve also probably known people like you were talking about the complainers, and they can only focus on what’s wrong. They can only focus on what happened, that victim thing. They have wasted a life. Their legacy is now instead of overcoming, which is one of my themes of my show.
Instead of overcoming, offering hope, and helping the next man up or had next man through it or women. They get stuck and nobody wants. I’ve said it several times, stop it. “Stop. Nobody cares.” It’s the truth. I’m sorry. We care for a while, but then, you do it or don’t. Do something. If you can do something about it, take action. If you can’t do something about it, then do something else. Our philosophies are very simple. We just got to get over ourselves.
Choosing Happiness
You’ve got to tune out the noise. It just reminded me of something else. I was working at a substance abuse clinic. In Palm Springs, we had this horrible experience. I’m going to call it a hurricane. Mud and water came pouring over the mountain in the freeway. The street my clinic was on was, if you picture every house, halfway up the doorway covered in mud, sludge, and water.
The mayor came out and said, “We’ll get to the side streets in a couple of weeks.” When my boss called me at like 3:00 in the morning, he said, “Don’t come in. You can’t even get to the office.” I said, “I was going to wait till 6:00 in the morning to call you. A boulder from another mountain is on the Yucca Valley mountainside and the army’s coming to cut it in half and move it. I can’t get there anyway.”
When I saw what was happening, I knew our state senator and state assembly people were former first responders, so I didn’t email. I called the office and I said, “This is what the mayor said. We’ve got our place, an autistic home, a hospice, a daycare facility, and a senior care. We need help right now,” Within twelve hours, Home Depot donated the little Bobcat. The things with the big shovel things in front. We had a food bank come.
Front-end loaders or backhoes.
Friends of mine go, “What is a state senator going to do?” I said, “I know you forgot this. They’re there for us. They’re supposed to help us take action, but you have to ask.” If you ask, again, not transactional, but ask your family, “I’d like to try this or I wonder if we can do this differently or what do you all think of this?” State it. You will be happier and you’ll reduce that negativity. You’ll tune out all the negative noise.
We’re all connected and most of us want to get along, share things, raise happy kids, get good education, have less drama, and crime. We all have those shared values. If you tune into the news, it hasn’t changed since I was a kid, which is if it bleeds, it leads. That hasn’t changed. Choose optimism and happiness and you can do it. I want to help you get there, and Charla does, too. We’re here to help you be change agents. It’s easier to have a life of happiness. It just is.
Episode Wrap-up
Choose happiness and optimism. You had that in another one of your quote, “Choose happy.” It is all choice. Every single thing. You think things are happening to you, but things are happening. You get to choose how you react. That’s the bottom line. We’re out of time. I love having this conversation. I talk about this type of thing all the time because it’s my mission to just love, and we talk about purpose.
In this tiny little book, Candy Bar Hugs, it doesn’t take much to make a difference. What if you don’t have to go searching for your purpose? What if your purpose is how you treat the person right in front of you? What if you just be a good person? Be kind. Do the right thing. Always take the high road. It turns out, it’s the golden rule. If you do the things that matter, stay and do the right thing instead of focusing. “This scammer did this, and this, the evil, and the bad.” I’m like, honor.
Instead of, “They’re cheating me out of this and that.” I know, but what they didn’t honor their word. Honoring your word is integrity. I’m throwing out a whole bunch of stuff we could spend another couple hours on but it’s time. We got to shut her down. I’m so incredibly grateful that you joined me. DrBrianGrossman.com and Info@DrBrianSpeaks.com. I’m looking so forward to continue in our conversation. I wish you the most and best success as you make some transitions, which we all seem to be doing sometimes. Much success.
Thank you for the opportunity. I’d love to jump on with another show with you or be on a panel. For all of you reading, thanks for your time. Remember, just you can put in Free Report if you forget Charla show, Info@DrBrianSpeaks.com or DrBrianGrosssman.com. There’s a Contact Me button there. No problem. Keep moving forward. Get rid of those negative saboteurs. Choose optimism. Be each day.
The last thing I say every show is remember to always choose joy.
Important Links
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About Dr Brian Grossman
Dr. Brian is a charismatic international speaker, coach, and Ph.D. His high energy and interactive presentations help CEO’s, supervisors, and participants change mindsets to optimize consistent performance.—
I’m Charla Anderson, host of The Charla Anderson Show, Collector & Connector of Fascinating People (and EVERYONE is Fascinating!) on live TV, streaming and podcasts. As a Ziglar Legacy Certified Trainer, a retired award-winning flight attendant, Olympic Torch bearer, personal development junkie, Inspired Speaker, Published Author and Your Courageous Coach, I want to share my passion of living life full-out, saying YES to intriguing opportunities, and encouraging YOU to do the same. Let’s jump on a discovery call and get to know each other. Find all things Charla at CharlaAnderson.com/links.
On The Charla Anderson Show, We discuss Mindset, How much Your WORDS matter, Princess to Queen energy, mantras, HOPE, Faith, Miracles, Overcoming, and much, much more, including learning from amazing guests.
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