From Breaking Point to Purpose with Marisa Cairns

From Breaking Point to Purpose with Marisa Cairns

About Marisa Cairns

Transformational coach and author Marisa Cairns shares her powerful journey of healing, reclaiming self-worth, and breaking generational patterns. Learn how she helps women recover from trauma, build healthy boundaries, and confidently reinvent their lives.

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Introduction

Good, beautiful day, beautiful, beautiful souls! This is Charla Anderson, host of the Charla Anderson Show~Collector & Connector of Fascinating People (& EVERYONE is Fascinating!), especially you.

Marisa Cairns is my guest today, and she has a chapter in a book called She Speaks Her Truth about women’s words that change the world. I am intrigued because she actually did a confrontation to her father who had abused her as a child. And that’s what her story is about in there. And we’re going to just get to know Marisa and figure this thing out. She’s an amazing coach. So here we go. 

…BUT FIRST…

We’re going to do our little 22-second mini vacation, this little be still and know moment. We’re going to breathe in some calm for seven seconds. We’re going to hold for four seconds and breathe out gratitude for 11 seconds. So here we go. Join me. Breathing in some calm. Won’t that be good? Hold. Relax. Release. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

Okay, so Marisa, I’m so grateful to have you here. We’ve met through Prosper. I talk about this, a lot of my guests come through Prosper, the membership with Brenda Byers and Prosper in all things, her coaching program and her mentorship program and her membership program. Amazing, amazing. There’s never a moment that there’s not overvalue being given with Brenda Byers so I always like to acknowledge that. She was my guest a couple of weeks ago, too, here on the show. So we can always find her here. So, Marisa, you live in Washington State. I’m over here in Texas. And let’s get to know you. Who are you in this world?

Absolutely. Thanks for having me, Charla. So I am a transformational life coach, and my purpose and calling is to help women who have gone through any sort of childhood abuse and want to heal from their past traumas. So I’ve really dove into that for the last five years through Karen’s coaching. And again, my last name is spelled like this town in Australia, C-A-I-R-N-S, coaching.net is my website. And yeah, the journey with that book was amazing. Wonderful. I had an opportunity with about 12 different authors all over the globe to come together and each share our story. And mine was letting women know that there is hope after abuse.

Well, and you know, pre-show we’re talking, I’m guessing that the vast majority of humanity, of people have had issues with some sort of abuse as a child or early years, and everybody handles things differently, and most of us scrunch it down until it comes to head, right? It seemed like that was what you did, and all of a sudden, finding yourself in a hospital, overdosing and really trying to stop the pain, I’m guessing.

Absolutely.

I’m not knowing why. So we’re getting deep quick here. We play around, and we talk, and joke, and also get into the real meat of what’s going on in your world.

Yeah, that was a defining moment for me. I had lived in survival mode for so long and had dealt with anxiety and depression after college, and didn’t know what the root or the base of it was. And it wasn’t until my early 30s in 2009 where I kept having anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I was actually getting ready to fly to Alabama where my dad was. It was my grandfather’s funeral and my body just said no. And I kept asking for help and I was being triggered by other men. And every time I would go to the hospital, they would send me away with a bottle of pills and then it wouldn’t help. 

And then I would go back and ask for help, and I’d be sent away. And I’ve shared with others that the intention wasn’t to, it wasn’t from a place of depression in wanting to take my life. It was out of fear that someone on a deep level was going to harm me. And I was scared and wanted that feeling inside to end. And so I did. I reached for a bottle of pills and took a bath. Fortunately, my brother and sister-in-law had welcomed me into their home because they knew I needed help. And I had come downstairs still trying to hold it together like we do with that smile on our face, thinking everything’s okay. 

And said I would call my boss to let him know I wouldn’t be in. And my sister-in-law happened to hear me slurring my words. So by the grace of God, I was with them. She sent my brother upstairs into the bathroom to see what was going on and he found the empty bottle of pills and the paramedics were called. From that moment, I don’t recall a whole lot. I woke up intubated in a hospital trying to pull out all of my tubing and my breathing tube. They decided at that time that it was best to have me involuntarily committed to a psychiatric unit. And I welcomed that. I was put on a 72-hour hold and then decided I wanted to stay. I needed help. And that is the beginning of when my abuse started to surface. It was the sexual abuse of my father when I was a young child. And so I’m grateful to this day to my brother who had me committed, who truly saved my life.

Wow. And you say young child, I think you mentioned like two years old, two to five, very young, very young.

A lot of, and the reason we don’t have memories typically before that age. So I do, it breaks my heart. I know it’s so many, so many people have to deal with that and you know hurt people hurt people you know most I’m certain that he probably didn’t have the most stellar childhood either right so somehow or another it gets generationally brought forth and what a gift that you were able to you’re able to break the generational curses partly in your family I know you don’t have children but that you’ve got nieces and And you would not wish that on anybody.

Correct. And that’s part of the reason that I chose to use my voice is I wanted to make sure others were protected. And I chose at that time that if that divided our family, that was okay, because I was doing the best thing for myself and for the youngers in my family. So it wasn’t easy. I was blessed to have three very strong women who had gone through their own journeys with childhood sexual abuse that had gone before me, who really wrapped their love and support around me. I don’t… I don’t always suggest confronting your abuser. We’ll get into that part in a little bit. Just because your expectations will probably be dashed, meaning oftentimes more than not, they’re going to deny it. And that is what happened with my father. But I knew. My spirit knew. My body knew. When I saw his face, I knew he was keeping a secret. And when I had come out before and asked him by phone what had happened, his words to me were to stop digging so deep and that there were some things he would just take to the grave with him. So working with a counselor, she identified that that in itself was admission. 

And then I had to begin the real work of what to do with all of this, because it’s not it’s not straightforward. It’s not clear. Some of the details I’ve shared with women is you feel like you’re losing your mind. You feel like you’re going crazy. I had flashbacks. I had night terrors. I had times where I had to sleep with a trusted friend or family member who was a woman holding my hand so I could just get to sleep at night. I had episodes where I was gagging and vomiting. It was horrible. I call it nights of hell. And this is the stuff that a lot of us who have survived this type of trauma don’t talk about. But it’s the day-in, day-out, horrible things that we have to go through to get to the other side.

Was that after you confronted him all these hard things or before?

This was a process. It was a little bit before. I wasn’t realizing that I was being flooded. They call it flooding with flashbacks. And anything that associated with my dad, I would trigger me if I would see a family photo of him, if I would read his name in the Bible, if I would hear his name or see a man that looks similar, I would be triggered. And so I started with therapy for quite some time. I also did EMDR, which is the rapid eye movement, desensitization, reprocessing, excuse me, lots of words there, that helped. And through that at different stages, I would ask him, there was the defining moment that I share in

She Speaks Her Truth,

And so at that point, I chose that I was just going to have to do my healing and make peace with it. It wasn’t easy. It’s really frustrating. It’s something that will be with me my entire life. I now know more of my triggers. He did end up moving out of the country. He was on his fifth wife by the time he passed. During his passing and his cancer that he got, I did make some calls, but they were very practical. Do you want to be buried? Do you want to be cremated? Who is to get your remains? It was very limited because I could see the tension in his face, not wanting me to ask any questions. And I was done. Once he told me he was going to take it to the grave with him, I knew he was going to deny it and it wasn’t worth it. After those conversations, I started having night terrors again. And so I decided at that point, the best for me was just to shut it down. 

And so I went into prayer. I actually took a sabbatical to Arizona for two years right during the time he was passing because I didn’t want to be around. I didn’t want to deal with your dad was a great guy and go through the burial process. And so I left for Arizona on a two-year sabbatical to do some more of my healing and made peace with it and sent him away. You know, I knew I had to get to a place of forgiveness and I always knew that I couldn’t go too much deeper in it or I would hate him. There is anger that comes with it. And I definitely encourage that. women that I work with not to repress that anger. I don’t think our society does a great job of offering, especially women opportunities to express their anger and rage and healthy ways. And so those are some of the techniques that I work with, with my clients and how to do.

You definitely have a, so you mentioned forgiveness and, and I believe it’s a key. Gratitude is the number one thing in, I believe for a satisfied life and it really requires forgiveness as well. And so it doesn’t mean you forget. There’s doesn’t, you know, and in my, I use this a lot, but in my little tiny book, Candy Bar Hugs, it doesn’t take much to make a difference. I did a dedication actually to my children and it’s, I did, I call it a forgiveness release.

I said, I did what I did. I didn’t do what I didn’t do. I did all that I knew to do with what I knew at the time, just like you did and are doing in your life right now. I love you. And it kind of came from Ho’oponopono. I know you are familiar with that.

And they speak the Ho’oponopono. Does it start with I love you?

Oh God, goodness. I change it up sometimes, but it’s, I’m sorry. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. If I, if I remember it right.

I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

Thank you. Love you.

Yes. And that’s ho’oponopono. And that is incredibly proven to be so powerful in healing. But when I was doing it with my kids, I didn’t really want to ask them to do anything, which was please forgive me. Right. I wasn’t, I didn’t do anything wrong. I just did what I did. Right. And so that was, that’s kind of in my little tiny book. And forgiveness is truly key and mostly forgiving yourself because I think most of us think that we did something wrong or it was our fault or when we’re going, you know, get an abusive situation.

Yeah, I think that’s a big part of it is forgiveness. forgiving and honoring ourselves. We did the best we could as it was coming out. Dr. Gamor Mate is a beautiful, beautiful PhD gentleman who does a lot of trauma work. And I love it that he says, anytime you see someone who is displaying behaviors that you don’t understand, just know that if you’ve lived their life, you would be displaying those same behaviors. And so With that, yeah, I honor my journey. It wasn’t clear. It wasn’t clean. It was messy. It was painful. And for others around me, it was painful. You know, I chose to speak up. I chose to protect others around me. And it divided our family. Essentially, I had family members that still to this day call me crazy and they don’t believe me. 

And I have others who I think maybe challenged it in the beginning, but have heard enough stories and know me well enough that this wasn’t made up. No child ever makes this up, never wants to go through this pain at such a deep level. And it was traumatizing. It was traumatizing. My body and my nervous system have had to recalibrate. You know, I’ve had to find safety places. That’s a core need as a child that I didn’t have on many levels. You know, not only was I dealing with abuse from a father, but I had a mother who was bipolar and unstable and unmedicated all through my growing up years. 

And we had been raised essentially by a stepmom why our real mom was unhealthy. And my dad and stepmom divorced when I was a teenager. And that just led to more more frustration. My dad was on his fifth marriage by the time he deceased. And so it’s very layered. I have complex PTSD, as my counselors have said. And through dedication, again, the counselors around me, and medication at times. I am a proponent that if you need it, take it. I tried to white knuckle it for way too long and my anxiety and panic would get so strong that I needed something to take that edge off. Especially when you do the work. When you start getting the courage to be brave and to go into those dark places, it’s not easy. And I’ve had to take time off of work and I’ve had to really do that deep healing.

And so you’re now a coach. You’re helping others trying to work through not just this, but I mean, there’s multiple layers and multiple types of… Yes. I think every one of us needs help now, you know, really absolutely.

Really good friend with you know the least and so you know we talked about a little bit the difference between counseling and coaching because I believe counseling has a place I’m not saying not but counseling is kind of focused on your past and what happened and how you know what. And, I just believe that I prefer, Charla likes to look at possibilities and what’s possible and how can we work through it that way? So that there’s this distinction. between coaching and therapy or traditional, you know, we got the picture of the being on the couch with a psychotherapist.

Yeah, yeah. And the therapy was great. It was much needed until it came to a point when I felt like we were just continuing around the same loop. And so I knew that I wanted to look into coaching. And so I was certified under Dr. Erin Fall Haskell, who’s one of the world-renowned leaders. She won the Walden Wisdom Award. And New Thought is basically ancient wisdom, but it’s going within. It is where are you spiritually connected? Where are you divided? 

And as we were talking a little bit before the show, church church was traumatic for me at times uh there were times where i needed god and i prayed and i was in women’s group and i was learning and then there was times where it didn’t make sense i had learned that god was a man in the sky who sits on his throne and punishes and condemns and criticizes and judges and that’s in turn what i was doing to myself and this you know let the the or let God hold you and comfort you and be his bridegroom sickened me, as it does many other women who have been abused by men. 

And I’d had conversations with my local pastor, and I wanted to know this God that is supposed to be loving and forgiving and kind and gentle. And so I stepped away from the church. And I started doing my spiritual work and that connected for me. It went into, do I trust myself? Do I trust others? What were my core limiting beliefs? That’s what I find fascinating about the coaching I do. is we live in about 10% of our consciousness. 90% is all subconscious. So when I do the work with my clients, we’re identifying the self-limiting beliefs. And so when I dug deep into mine, mine where I’m not worthy, I’m not lovable, I’m not enough, I’m not good enough, and I don’t matter, I’m not important. 

Well, so many of us have those tapes that run through our minds and there’s a real disconnect. People often think that trauma has to do with someone coming back from the war or a rape or some big, big thing when actually it’s just a heightened of emotions where you then created a self-limiting belief. Some women I’ve worked with, It happened to be a teacher that made a comment to them about their grades that they had gotten a B instead of an A. And at that point, this individual tagged on that they weren’t good enough. 

And they’ve carried that for years and years, playing out in their life, and then not knowing it until we do the deeper work. So I’m a big proponent of coaching. And you’re right on, Charla. It it gets you into gratitude. It gets you into the present moment. It gets you letting go of the past and focusing on what is possible.

Yeah. So I mentioned church hurt. I’ve got another guest that deals with church hurt and religion. When I learned that religion means return to bondage, the definition of religion is returning to bondage. It was like, Whoa, that makes so much sense. Now I don’t, I don’t believe that most people and going to church are bad people i believe that the god in a box religion has kept us very limited it’s not. I was not taught a relationship, you know,

right with my creator which is beyond magical and i don’t like the word magical for that but you know which is just beautiful And when you have a real relationship with God, with the creator, with, you know, the source of all. And, you know, so we get to experience that. But I think the, my God is better than your God religion is not the best. I was not raised in that. I was raised in that very fundamental group.

But it was like, you know, if God doesn’t have a box, you know, there is no box. And so if God is love, he can’t be not love is the way I say it most of the time. And, and he’s, he loves you. There’s nothing you can do. Can do to be loved more or less by God. He loves you. God is love. We talk about this a lot on my show because I’m like, you could be in the gutter. If you can take a breath, you’ve been provided for. If you can take a breath, you have been provided for whether you’re in the gutter or in the palace, right? Somewhere. And so when we focus on what’s wrong all the time, you know, we kind of lose sight of our possibilities.

Yeah, I hope. Clients get into gratitude right away. You know, gratitude drives out that fear. You can change your mind a lot when you’re grateful for everything. I mean, grateful for heat, grateful for food, grateful for waking up.

One day I was like, well, can’t you, aren’t you at least thankful for your toenails? You know?

Yeah. So, I mean,

Really there’s no, there’s no lack of things to be grateful. And when born, when, and when God says in everything, give thanks, that doesn’t mean that you have perfect circumstances. You

never do, you know,

Rarely have perfect circumstances. You just stand in your gratitude. I wake in the night and thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, my mantra is thank you. And everything is always working out for me. You know, I’m thankful, thankful, thankful. And I find I end up with a whole lot more things to be thankful about. I only I mean, I’m outrageously optimistic. I am that anyway. So I but I focus on what’s right and yes, what’s good and what’s what’s possible. And

yeah, I think it’s

important.

But I think that comes with growth too. I have told women and this myself, I got angry. I got mad. I had it out with God. You know, when it says come hot or come cold, I came hot and we can’t spiritually bypass that. We can’t just go from all of this horrible stuff happened into, oh, I’m so grateful. It’s a journey. It’s a journey. And I know you know that because I had to get out the rage and anger. I was so angry at so much stuff. And I just talked about this on my Mondays with Marisa. I do Mental Health Mondays with Marisa on my Facebook page. with little tidbits. And I just had a post last week that said, I called it ranger, the rage and the anger, but do it in healthy ways. Don’t don’t keep suppressing it, or you’re just going to get depressed, you know, it’s going to come out in relationships in your career, it’s going to come out in unhealthy ways. 

And so some of the healthy ways I tell people is get a rage journal, Rage it out. Get the anger out of your body and then shred it or burn it. Go out in the middle of an open field and scream at the top of your lungs. Another idea I’ve given and I’ve done myself is go buy plates at Goodwill and take it to a safe environment and break those plates against the rocks and then pick them back up when you’re done and carry them off with you. But we forget that anger is an emotion there to teach us something. And often people try to push that down or not sit with that for a while. And you have to go through the anger. That’s part of the grief. That’s part of the grieving is the anger.

Absolutely. You know, this morning, today, Charla, today… I have been kind of resisting some doing some things I need to do, want to do. And so today

I’m

like, okay, and I’m going to, you know, just journal a little bit, something that I’ve been putting off again. And all of a sudden my pen kind of skipped a couple of times and I flipped a switch into rage.

Yeah. Yeah.

Where did that come from? That’s not, you don’t see that in me, right? But I know I, years ago, I read Frank Peretti’s books and oh my gosh, and they had a demon. And I could tell, you know, you go into, you start changing to do something good and something that gets you out of the stupor you’ve been in or whatever it is. And you will very easily be triggered or be attacked. And I knew I could, I was like, no, away from me, Satan, right? You’re getting out of here right now. In Jesus name, you’re history. 

Go back to the pits of hell. And I, because I learned that, you know, the hard way that’s, I, it, it worked really quickly. Another flip switch. I was, I was okay. I was done. I got the demon out. that was like, Hmm, who do you think you are to start doing what you want to do, what you think it’s going to help you grow, whatever, whatever. And so I just, I don’t know that that was related to even what you’re talking about, but it happened to me today to know, and I was just shocked,

you know? Yeah. I think we all just have so many emotions in there when you’re In new thought, we don’t believe in God and Satan. We believe that we are the I am. You know, we are the creator. We’re not the cause. Excuse me. We’re not the effect of life. We’re the cause of it. And so you have to get your mind right. You have to be with that God source. And again, for clients and for myself, I’ve had to use the word source or creator or universe because God would trigger me for a long time. And so it’s really that relation with in. 

And you’re right, those old commands, those old limiting beliefs, those old feelings before we have that breakthrough, right? Sometimes we have to have that breakdown before we have that breakthrough. And so I love that as a tool. You know, there’s so many great tools. Journaling is definitely one of them. I’m definitely one that you have to get it out of your body, you know, whether that’s speaking it out loud, writing it out loud. whatever that tool is for you before you can get into that gratitude. Raging

it out loud. I like that ranger. That’s good. So getting that, yeah, I say I am I am.

Yes.

What our coach Brenda, you know, she’s like, whatever you wouldn’t do, don’t use anything after the words I am that you wouldn’t say about God or the creator or your universe, you know, don’t say anything. That after I am, because that’s who you are, that’s a breath of life in you is God in you.

That’s your power statement. And that’s,

you know, so when you, when you complaining, I am so sick. I’m so tired. I got this, you know, man, and nobody cares. First of all, second,

it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? You know, you’re creating more

and the more thankful, the more you get to be thankful for. Right. So

agreed. Agreed.

So another thing that something you said a while ago reminded me of a story that I learned and I, if, did you go through landmark education?

I did.

Yeah. So I went through the wisdom course and the advanced course with landmark education back landmarkworldwide.com is what that is.

But

I mean, wow, that was a huge experience of growth. Right. But I, I was one of the, um, ways I describe what you were talking about earlier about making things up. We make up a story. So she made, she made a B instead of an A and she made up a story. I’m not good enough. Well, what the way I had trained, said it for many years is, um, So you, you, you make an F in seventh grade or fifth grade and, and somebody, not only do you tell yourself, I must be so stupid or, and your parents tell you, you know, how could you be so stupid? And your teacher tells you how can you, and you take that stupid, the story you make up about not studying or making, you know, it’s just a grade and you plant it back here. In a place you don’t see.

Right.

And then you continue. See, I told you I was stupid. It’s self-fulfilling prophecy. I told you I was stupid. I told you I was stupid. And you continue to make mistakes over a story you made up about an F.

Right.

So we do that all the time. Those are the stories we’ve made up about not being good enough and all those things. Right. Something happened. We made up a story about it. We

planted it in

the back of our subconscious and go about fulfilling that prophecy or self-fulfilling prophecy of being that, that we don’t want to be that, but we can’t see it because it’s in the blind spot.

Right. And that’s why I’m such a believer in getting that outside perspective. I mean, coaches have coaches, right? We all have coaches and mentors to bring us up because it is your blind spot. You don’t know until you get another person’s perspective. I’ve done work where someone, it was the most bizarre thing, something that happened again at work with an individual. And she didn’t even realize that this was playing out, that she wasn’t worthy in the back of her mind. And so When we did that work, and I’m certified in a trauma method, the E4 trauma method through Dr. Aaron, we can get to those places to find out. And what you do is you are neutralizing that emotion, right? 

It’s a heightened emotion when you end up attaching that self-limiting belief. And so when we are able to neutralize that emotion and I will read back commands that people have said, and they don’t even know that they’ve audibly spoke that until I read back what they were saying in our session. And so it’s really powerful. I call belief systems bullshit. You know, it’s the BS. The belief system is bullshit. You can change your beliefs at any time.

Right. And truly, you know, they’re not the truth. Right.

Yeah. You have to speak truth over yourself. Yeah.

that I am worthy. I am, you know, and

yes.

So when I say I’m outrageously optimistic, which I said earlier, you know, and my, I, one of my sisters were like, well, you’re like just Pollyanna. That’s not reality, reality. And I was like, it’s my reality. Yeah. It’s my reality. I get to be optimistic and I don’t have to, I mean, I get to shield myself. from, from things that are not working or that don’t, you know, support me.

Right. Right. And it’s so important what you feed, you know, what you feed into your mind, what you feed in by social media or television or radio. It’s so impactful. You know, you can zone out. I mean, I, the very first client I had and I understood it, she had lost a grandchild at a young age and she was going through pain and, And she knew that she was on social media five to six hours a day because she was numbing out. She didn’t want to deal with it until I helped her process through that grief and got her to the other side.

Wow. That’s a great story because, you know, it’s easy. And there we get the scrolling. There’s so many forms of numbing.

Yes. Yeah.

And it’s the dark hole of social media has is totally a thing.

Right. Yeah.

Oh, I just need to check this one thing. And two hours later, you’re like, oh, my gosh.

Yeah. You’ve gone down the rabbit hole.

Lots of them. So, yeah. So this is, this is very powerful. And, and the, you know, we, when, when you, you can overcome when you can, you’ve had trauma, trauma, you, you, and, and, and now you’re the Phoenix rising out of the ashes. You’re the one that is able to lift, reach back and, and, and help the next person, you know, help the next guy up and to help see. Yes.

And,

and feel the, the beauty and the blessings of the world. And you live now you live in joy, right? You live the vast majority of time. I’m guessing.

Yes.

M-A-R-I-S-A, M-A-R-I-S-A, Marisa Cairns, C-A-I-R-N-S, which is Marisa Cairns, which is Cairns, C-A-I-R-N-S, CairnsCoaching.net.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah, that’s, that’s really the story. Charla is no one’s perfect. We’re all human. But if I can provide hope or light, be the light is my verse when I started my business. to know that you can overcome these things. It’s not easy, I won’t lie. It’s messy and it’s hard, but it’s worth it. And you will, you will still get drawn back a little bit here and there, but just knowing that there’s a little bit of backdraft, right?

Sometimes we take five steps forward and two steps back or vice versa, but the purpose is just leaning into the pain, having supports around you and guidance, And then, like you said, coming out the other side with faith stronger and higher and knowing yourself more and your relationship to yourself and to your higher power.

And your favorite quote you said is what God brings you to, he will bring you through. So, you know, we so often when things are not, we’re so enmeshed in our circumstances and then we allow the negative because almost a thousand percent of what you’re going to see on a TV screen is not going to be in lifting you up. Right.

So it’s

all negative. it’s all negative. It’s all fear. It’s all just confusion. It’s a, it’s just, just, um, keeping you in lack and divisive and all those things. So what I don’t watch television, I gave it up and said between seventh and eighth grade, thankfully, not, not knowing how many years that was going to make a difference for me. I mean, it doesn’t mean I never watched it, but it’s, you know,

it’s a

driving force for me. And, um, is it, I don’t, I just don’t let the negative in.

Yeah. Yeah. I hear

it. I know what’s going on. I get, I get enough of what’s going on.

Yes.

But do I have to, I mean, as a flight attendant, 34 year flight attendant, you know, I reading the headlines going down the aisle one way, and then coming back, you’re reading page two, reading page three, and then it’s into this sports and things I didn’t care about but if there’s something I really wanted to know about you don’t need to know more than just a little snippet of a headline you don’t even need to know that most of the time

right

and if we do need to know I promise you somebody will tell you you’ll find out

yes very true very true yeah I’ve always been an avid reader and I’ve been into self-help books gosh since I was a teenager, you know, I, I always knew. Personal

development junkie, personal

development junkie. And I’m

loving right now, the first, the next conversation by Jefferson Fisher, who’s talking. I mean, I love that guy. He’s, uh, you know, telling how to, how to talk to people, how to respond to people in three

steps.

And then, and then let me let them by mill. That’s

on my Christmas wishlist. Yes. She’s, she’s a great author. I also have book recommendations on my website as well. The Body Keeps the Score was a great one, as well as A Wounded Heart that helped me as a survivor. There’s also a self-compassion workbook, right? A lot of it isn’t self-help, it’s self-worth and self-compassion that we have to have. I often tell individuals that it takes courage to speak up. It takes courage to do this work. It takes courage to look within, but it is so worth every minute of it. There is Abundant Healing. and blessings when you go within. And I just want people to know that the value of it, that it’s time, it’s time to reclaim your life and reclaim your worth.

Absolutely. We, I mean, it’s such a, I’m sure you’ve read Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul and some of that, where when I love his vision, he’s like, Okay. So from the beginning of time to eternity, that’s a pretty long time. We’re here for a split second in this pinpoint of eternity and we get upset over traffic or over, you know, we, we allow ourselves to walk in this upset. How can we heal through it? I would, I think

that’s right. Yeah. We have choice.

We get to choose and it’s all choice. We all get to choose. And you may think you cannot choose your circumstances, but you certainly can. can choose the response. And so saying that if I had said that when you were in the midst of your trauma and healing and back then, that probably would have upset you. You know, we had a choice. You know, we don’t always have choice what happens. I tell my grandbaby, you don’t have a choice where you are, but you have a choice how you are, you know, and responding.

Yeah, that took me years. You know, I was, I was reactive for a long time until I chose to come from a place of responding, right? Learn your triggers. We’re all we’re all responsible for ourselves. So, you know, I had to get out of victim mode, you know, and so many people are stuck in victim mode in our society rather than taking back their power.

And, you know, waiting to be offended and waiting, watching who’s going to offend me so we can be upset.

We were

upset and upset and upset and upset, draws, upset, upset, draws, upset.

Yeah, like you said, create joy. Own it and then create something new. Yeah, create joy for your life. Create positivity. Create fun. If you get to be the writer and the author of your life, like I believe, create something better. Right. And it starts in mind.

But so often, I believe our society also has got us in, so much of us, so many of us in this survival mode we just can

barely

make it and we can’t find a way we got to rob peter to pay paul in order to get you know food on the table and then we you know then we criminally high interest rates and you know all that stuff i believe

the

system has kept us um in in this place of you know just division and um

i think that’s why so many people are breaking free from the system right now I think you’re seeing a lot more women becoming entrepreneurs, a lot more individuals who aren’t subscribing to that, that are finding their voice. I’m a huge advocate to find your voice. Most of the time, the pain that you lived is your purpose and your passion and learn how to use that for your good and to help others. That’s what brings me delight. That’s what brings my soul peace and knowing that I can bring light to someone else who’s in a dark spot.

And yes. And that’s, you know, when I leave, I don’t, I’m a kind of a homebody, but when I go out, you know, run to Aldi or, you know, whatever, I’m, I’m like, okay, let my light shine. Yeah. Just people are attracted to, I make friends at the store.

Yeah. Yeah. We’re connectors.

Totally. And so it’s, it’s, um, and people are, they, they, they need it, right? The candy

bar

hugs is a pay it forward little book. And it’s about offering a candy bar to the checkout person at Walmart. And then may I offer you a hug? You know, that’s kind of the whole, just a tiny book. It doesn’t take much to make a difference is the tagline, right? So,

so true.

Just, um, everybody was buying, um, um, big bucks for the people behind them. And I was like, what, what about the checkout people? Yeah. What about the Walmart that can’t, you know, or the quote, any chat, any server, you know,

correct.

Yeah. They’re doing all they can do and they have to do it pretty much with a smile on their face, whether they feel like it or not. And yeah. So offering a candy bar and that has so many stories in there. One, one girl said, Um, you have no idea when I gave her a hug, she says, you have no idea. I just found out my mom is terminal today.

Yeah. You never know what someone’s going through.

One of us is going through something every single solitary day. So

sometimes

worse than others, but it’s worth let your light shine, right? Be the light to be love, be God with skin on, you know, love people. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Love is, is the most healing, you know, that’s, that’s what we all want. That’s what we all pray for. That’s yeah. And, and developing that within, right. That self-love within is huge. If you

don’t love yourself, see this, I say this a lot too on my, you know, it’s like bullies are victims too, right. People that are hurt, hurt people, hurt people. And what I try to tell the grandkids, you know, if somebody is a bully or doesn’t, you know, instead of being offended or being upset. And I mean, that book also has unconditional love, unconditional forgiveness, not unconditional boundaries, because we

need to have boundaries.

Oh, I do a lot of boundary setting. Yeah, boundaries are important. But, you know, perhaps you see a perspective, a hurt people, a person that doesn’t love themselves enough to know how to treat you or how to love you better. And perhaps they really are. They’re scared. They’re terrified. And they just need to act big because they don’t know how else to act. And maybe they could use a friend the next day or two, though, you know. Yeah. Yeah. And so don’t make those quick judgments all the time when somebody, you know, they’re just take a step back. If you were, you know, you said such as earlier, and I used to say it this way, if, if I were you, I would do it, you know, well, no, if you were them, you would be doing what they’re doing.

So,

you know, it’s kind of a way of saying it, but

Yeah, yeah. What I’m taught and what I teach others is just to hold space, right? We’re not there to make anyone wrong or right, good or bad. We’re just there to hold space. I believe we all have our internal guide. If we tap into it, if we tap into our intuition, if we tap in to listening to ourselves, valuing ourselves, that we are our own internal guide. I’m just there to hold space and to help guide others to their, to their calling, to their purpose. We all lose our way at times. And you’re right to get out of that judgment, judgment of others and judgment of ourselves. 

You know, my inner critic when I’m triggered can come on real strong and I can be my worst enemy and And so to get out of that mindset and change that, like you said, we wouldn’t speak to other people the way we speak to ourselves sometimes. So it’s that those affirmations and that, that nurturing, you know, I had to learn to nurture the little girl inside. I had to learn to go be with her. I was trying to abandon my inner child all the time and neglect her rather than just to sweep her up and hold her and have compassion for what she’s gone through and live a better life. You know, just, knowing that I can bring her with me now. She’s a part of me. You know, my story is a part of who I am. We

just want to love people through it. I mean, let’s just love people through their stuff and, and not does. And, and that same quote, I just said, unconditional love, unconditional forgiveness, not unconditional boundaries. And I will, I also add in that tiny book full of wisdom. Um, And the harder people are to love, the more they need it.

Yes. Yeah. And oftentimes it’s interesting. I’m glad that we actually leaped around to this because when I was coming out with my story, a lot of people didn’t know how to react or respond. And so the gift I’ve given and that I’ve said is I had a family member say to me, I don’t know what you’re going through, but I am here to support you no matter what. And that was the kindest gift someone could have offered. I don’t understand. I don’t know it, but I won’t leave you. I’m here for you and I support you. Just being present.

What a blessing.

Such a blessing. Such a blessing.

just sitting next to somebody and holding their hand or just, you know, patting them on the back or just be in the space and just let them be, let them be.

Yeah. For everyone who’s walked with me, who’s helped guide me, who’s shifted my perspectives. I’m just forever grateful. You cannot do this world alone. No.

And I’m, so I am going to take a quick little break. I’m going to take a tiny little, um, PSA, you know, a little service announcement about something that I’m very passionate about. And that is, and I don’t remember to do it often enough. And Brenda’s always trying to tell me to get something. So I take a little oil three times. I mean, once a day, a little oil to balance my omegas.

Okay.

I, uh, it’s, it’s a 20 year old company net calls in Zeno charlaanderson.com/Zinzino 20 year old company that is Norwegian and they have created this incredible, um, oil supplement that the, the, the testimonies are amazing, but they do a little blood test to see how you are. Okay. Just that you send

it off. You

can send your little blood tests off and just today. So they’ve only been in North America for about a year and they came into North America and 99 of north americans are out of their omega-3 balance

that does not surprise three to

one at three to one at the at are better yes and so today i typed in uh my as one of my friends called and wanted to figure out how to read his test and he he got it back and it’s like 27 to one well i tested i have another little card right here and i tested looked it up 28 to one a really good friend of mine 28 to one. The average is… in that range,

but I

have many people that came back 55 to one and, you know, and then taking one shot of oil, one second solution every day for four months, you get a free test every fifth, every 120 days, you get a free test. They come back retesting in the single digits. And so I’m just going to say that we’re going to take a little mini, just stop for a second, because I will insert my one minute commercial in here and we’ll be right back with Marisa Cairns.

Thank you.

Okay. There we go. So I, I don’t always remember to do that, but I did, you know, so charlaanderson.com slash Zinzino and they bought out a company I’d been with for 17 years and they, they, they were, they just turned 20 years this year. So it’s

wonderful,

really powerful.

And

when you can regulate your inflammation,

Yes.

That’s what that does. And it’s the simplest because so many fish oils and things like that that we take are manufactured and are not addictive. So anyway, back to Marisa. Here we are. And so here it is, the end of the hour. I should have done that 20 minutes ago. But anyway, it’s my show. It’s whatever. It’s all

perfection. Perfection.

It’s what so, right? And I deal with what so.

Yes.

And Brenda has, I think I’ve got it right up here, all is well. You know, it’s all good. So we’re winding down. I want to just get to what is any last words, anything you want to really leave with our family here and just encourage?

I think, again, just… having the courage to ask for help when needed, you know, I, myself being a social worker for over 20 years, we’ll get to the point of burnout before I even ask for help sometimes, you know, so taking my own advice is just so important. And just knowing that there’s others out there that want to support you along, along your way. You know, I had a counselor years ago saying, we’re all walking each other home. And that’s just something that stuck with me is that there’s light and love everywhere. If you look for it and, and, I just want to be a encouraging voice that someone hears today or comes across that you too can lift yourself out of the darkness and live the life of your dreams.

So you’re in your email. You said they can email you, find you on Facebook, find you on Instagram, LinkedIn, Cairns Coaching, C-A-I-R-N-S, coaching.net, MCairnsCoaching@gmail.com

Correct.

MCairnsCoaching@gmail.com So there, if people need, you know, to find how.

So, yes, connect with me, connect with me on Facebook, connect with me on Instagram. I’m typically more on Facebook right now or go to my website. There’s testimonies to read. There’s great book recommendations. I’m getting ready to upload a free boundary setting worksheet for individuals that don’t know how to say no. You know, saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. So I’m a big believer in healthy boundaries. And I do I do offer a free complimentary discovery call. So get on there, jump on a call with me and see if coaching is a good fit for you.

Perfect. You know, this is my favorite hour of the year of the week is getting to get to know people and just finding out how we serve and the vast majority of people, I believe, the vast majority of people out here are just trying to do the best they can to leave my, like

my

mama said, leave the world a better place

and

do the right thing. And so just loving people through it is just a big piece. So getting some coaching, getting some questions answered, getting, you know, getting through this life is… Can be so much joy. We can, we can live a life of fun and ease the wisdom course with landmark education.

Yeah.

Life of fun and ease.

Yeah. That was

called.

And I was

like, I did not want to do it, but I.

Yeah. And peaceful. You know, I, I often people ask me what success is and it’s a calm nervous system. You know, for those of us that have layers of trauma, it’s a calm nervous system and there’s many techniques and tools to help you through. So I just, I’m honored, Charla. I’m so glad that we connected through Brenda and so honored to be a part of your show, just spreading the love and the work that I do. And hopefully just knowing we’re all resilient and to have the courage to bounce back and, and live a life of hope.

And knowing that the, everyone we see has something going on in their world that we don’t know about and just get grace, grace, grace, grace is a great word too.

Absolutely.

we’ll end with here. So thank you so very much for your, your, your time today and for joining me and, and sharing your vast resources and wisdom.

Thank you, Charla. It’s been a gift.

Well, thank you. And we will see you next week and go to follow both of us, but charlaanderson.com/Podcast-shows, find all those podcasts. I’m entering season three. So I mean, I’m ending season three, entering season four. So like and subscribe and always, always remember to choose joy.

Important Links

• Website:  CairnsCoaching.net  
• Facebook-  https://www.facebook.com/marisa.cairns.7 
• LinkedIn-  https://www.linkedin.com/in/marisa-cairns-b76b19202/ 
• Instagram-  https://www.instagram.com/cairnscoaching/ 
• BOOK: “She Speaks Her Truth” https://amzn.to/3MeDhBa 
• Titles of books, products or offers mentioned:
• “She Speaks Her Truth” women’s words changing the world. I co-authored this book regarding confronting my father who had abused me as a child.
• My website has book recommendations on it from devotionals and journals to amazing reads that have helped me along my healing path.
• Landmark Education:
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• Charla’s Book: “Candy Bar Hugs~It Doesn’t Take Much to Make a Difference”  https://amzn.to/2JSGeUl
• ZINZINO: CharlaAnderson.com/Zinzino (Charla@CharlaAnderson.com)

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About  Marisa Cairns

Her transformation—from living in fear, anxiety, and generational patterns to rebuilding her identity and reclaiming her worth—now fuels her passion for helping other women do the same.

Today, Marisa guides women through trauma recovery, self-worth restoration, and purposeful reinvention with compassion, understanding, and real results. She also specializes in helping women create healthy personal and professional boundaries so they can protect their energy, honor their truth, and step into the life they were meant to live.

She changed her life—and now she empowers others to change theirs.

—

Let’s jump on a discovery call and get to know each other. Find all things Charla at CharlaAnderson.com/links.

On The Charla Anderson Show, We discuss Mindset, How much Your WORDS matter, Princess to Queen energy, mantras, HOPE, Faith, Miracles, Overcoming, and much, much more, including learning from amazing guests.

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