Faith-Based Coaching for Life & Love for Inspired Relationships

Faith-Based Coaching for Life & Love for Inspired Relationships

About Steve Wormer

Steve Wormer is a proven leader who leads with integrity, strength and compassion. He has led a large district in a corporate company, a non-profit organization, and three churches. Following Jesus drives everything that he does. Steve is trained in helping folks follow proven steps to help them with unprocessed emotions, such as unforgiveness, bitterness, anxiety, relationship challenges, etc. Steve is a John Maxwell-certified speaker, coach, and trainer.

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Introduction

Good, beautiful day, beautiful, beautiful souls! This is Charla Anderson, host of the Charla Anderson Show~Collector & Connector of Fascinating People (& EVERYONE is Fascinating!), especially you.

Relationships, why are they so difficult? That’s the first question I’m gonna ask when I get to the maker. With my guest today, Steve Wormer, we’re going to delve into the complexities and learn how to reignite some of those important relationships. Hang on to your hat, because we’re going to really understand a lot more about how to keep and get those warm fuzzies back in our relationships. 

…BUT FIRST…

we’re going to have a little 22-second mini vacation. We’re going to breathe in some calm for seven seconds. We’re going to hold for four seconds and breathe out gratitude for 11 seconds. So join me in a little mini vacation, a little be still and know. Here we go. Breathe in. Hold. Relax, release. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Don’t we all need that? Put those phones down for a minute and be still and know, take a moment to breathe multiple times a day. 

And as my guest today, Steve Wormer says, gratitude is the key. Gratitude is everything. It’s a choice, and we should choose it several times a day, right, Steve?

Charla, thank you so much for having me. I wish we could do that exercise a few more times. I don’t do that enough during the week. Thank you.

Awesome. Well, we met through the Change Book. You’re in book number 22, right?

That’s right.

And I’m in book number 21 with Jim Lutz, Jim Britt and Les Brown. This is a wonderful opportunity. And we’ve also met through Terrilee Harrison BRI Talks and so we’ve just kind of woven through some of our connections. And by the way, the Change Book is a credibility book, and if you have, I would always encourage anyone who would love to have this kind of a credibility piece in your repertoire, contact Steve if you know Steve, or contact me if you know me, because these aren’t on Amazon. It’s a whole different system, but it’s an amazing opportunity. So reach out if you want to be in one of those books, because we want to share it with you, right?

That’s right. That’s exactly right.

So that was fun. So yeah, so Steve, you’re in Tennessee. I’m in Texas. Tell us about who you are in this world. Who are you? We’ll talk a little bit about what you do and how you serve.

Oh, my goodness. Where do you start with that? I’ll start by telling you my better side, which is I’ve been married for 29 years to my best friend, Rebecca. It’s interesting because our 29th anniversary was Sunday, and I actually did not see her all day long. I couldn’t control it, I was taking my youngest son was going to a camp, and it’s an hour southeast of Atlanta, and you can’t check him in until three in the afternoon, so we’d leave the day before, you know, a couple of us go down, you check him in on Sunday, by the time you get out of there, it’s four or five o’clock, so I didn’t get back till 1:30 in the morning technically the day after her anniversary. Don’t worry, I took her out to dinner last night and made up for it and all that stuff. But she has been just a wonderful influence on my life. 

And we have three children- eighteen, sixteen, and fourteen. If we have time i’d love to tell that story because how we started our family is in a non-traditional way, so to speak and it’s actually quite miraculous how god did it. But like I said, those kids are all teenagers now so you can continue to pray for us. We’re in the full-time ministry, yes please thank you. We lead a church here in the Memphis area. I’ve been a pastor for about 15 years. I’ve led three different churches. Also, we have a non-profit that’s called Hurt to Hope. which helps people with their unprocessed emotions. For example, unforgiveness, bitterness, anxiety, relationship challenges, basically anything holding you back in life. 

And what we have found is that typically there’s at least one person, usually there’s more, but there’s usually one central person that’s inflicted most of the wounds in our hearts that’s caused some of that unprocessed emotions. Usually it’s a sibling, or a parent, or a former spouse, or a current spouse, quite honestly. That’s about 90% of the time. So there’s that, and then trying to launch a business centred around public speaking, coaching, and writing all at the same time. So it just depends on what hat I’m wearing, what we talk about at the given time.

Life keeps lifing then that’s a fair. You know lots of prayers for three teenagers and i had actually when my turned fourteen i created this saying that if they were born at fourteen, there wouldn’t be any more. And they cannot not be that’s that’s funny that’s true too and you know i what was i thinking it was so they were so cute and i have three now what am i going to do? Yes i can relate to that. Yeah, I would love to hear the story, the miraculous story, because I think that is a whole crux of who you are, right?

Yeah, it’s actually the story, and I’ll tell it here in a second, was the basis of my first book, which is called Rivers of Hope. My wife and I like a lot of young couples. I think I was 27. She was 25. We dated for three years before that. I had that American dream, you know, work, work and be successful, have a house in the burbs and the white picket fence, and you know, 2.2 children or whatever it is and a dog. And we were on our way to a lot of that, had the house built in the burbs, had a couple of dogs, were doing well in our careers. And we were trying the start the family thing, and I’ll try to abbreviate it, but my wife had a couple of miscarriages.

And honestly, at that time, at that age, I wasn’t emotional. I hadn’t dealt with all my emotional stuff yet. And so it hurt me. But imagine how it made her feel. And I didn’t know how to support her as well as I could have. But that led to five miscarriages in a course of six years. And this is all, yeah, it’s intense. Cause I can remember, I can, this is showing my age a little bit, but at work we used to have the, do you remember Nextel cell phones? They were part cell phone and part walkie-talkie. And the concept was great, but they didn’t always work all the time. But I remember the 20 or 30 people in my network on the walkie-talkie. I’m going to be a dad. I’m going to be a dad. She’s pregnant again. She’s pregnant again. 

And then I remember after about the second time, you don’t do that as quickly because your hope has been dashed and you don’t want to reach that high again to be let down. But this is all before we were Christians. And we became Christians in 2004. And shortly after that, we started praying about adoption. And sure enough, something like that you pray about, and then all of a sudden an opportunity presents itself. It wasn’t God’s plan, it was just a passing conversation of somebody that knew somebody, thrust us into action. And what I mean by that is, you know, you find for us, we found an adoption agency, went through all the training. You start to build a portfolio file. You know, you have the home study done and the pictures taken with the house and the dogs and all that stuff. And we were picked fairly quickly after that portfolio was done. Now, that time frame was several months. But we were picked by a birth mother who was seven months pregnant. And my wife went to all her appointments. 

She lived about an hour away. And she let us name the baby right out the gate. We got to know her family really well. So really, it was going great. And in the hospital, fast forward to the delivery date. It was predetermined that, I don’t even know how this was decided, but I was going to be the first one to hold the baby. And I had never experienced that before. Obviously not ever been in a dad, never been in a delivery room. So that’s a whole other conversation about what… I won’t even go into the shock that I felt walking into that room because I couldn’t actually be there during the delivery, but shortly after. But long story short, she changed her mind an hour before we were to go home with the baby. She had the baby on a Friday and this was on a Sunday. 

And as this is going on, our church, an hour away, is having an outdoor service, and they’re, hey, Steve and Rebecca are coming home with the baby, first-time parents, you know, please be praying for them. And so, like, it was intense. Now, we can come back and revisit part of that if you want, but we went on to have five total, what the world would say, failed adoptions in a five-year period. Our adoption agency parted ways with us. We never found out why, although we think it’s probably because we crossed the 40-year-old threshold. And going into year five, we’re like, God, this is worse than starting over. It’s like we’ve poured four years into this. We’re exhausted. We’re drained. We don’t have any leads. Now what? And I can tell you, even though it didn’t happen, like 48 hours away from that prayer, God presented another opportunity. Now, why would I tell you that if it wasn’t the one? We’re praying for one child. I tell you that because each time we came to our wits’ end, He provided another opportunity that sustained our hope. And that’s how we knew we were living God’s will. 

He kept sustaining us and giving us opportunities. And we finally arrived at a decision in our hearts that we’re going to pray for this. Yes, we’ve been praying for this, but we’re going to praise him in advance. Okay, God, thank you for what you’re doing. Thank you for the child you’ve already picked out for us, but haven’t revealed to us yet. And so in year five, and there’s a lot more to it, but I’m going to try to be as short as I can. He gave us three children at one time from two different situations. When we finally, when the adoptions were, well, when they came into our house, they were three, two, and one month old. So by the time the adoptions were final, they were like four, two and a half, and six months old. And our joke about it, for those of you who like basketball, we never got to play man-to-man defence. We went straight to zone. But yeah, that’s the story.

Oh my goodness, so your three teenagers are from adoption, and they are very close in age, it sounds like. Were they from the same family? Are they siblings?

The two older are full siblings, and my youngest is the one at camp. He’s from a different situation altogether, but they’re all they’re all interwoven in our church, or at that time, in our church in Nashville, Tennessee at the time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So my show is about overcoming and hope, right? So you just did it all in one nutshell here. There’s a lot of overcoming. First of all, not being able to have children, and then having one ripped from your hands virtually and bless her heart of course that was a hard decision for her. Hopefully, the child was the first one you talked about, hopefully that child is, you know, doing great.

Let me take you back to that scene in the hospital room. My wife was with her and learned about it before I did. I was in our room was a separate room, and I was in that room. I don’t even remember the circumstances under which we were separated at that time. But coming into my room was a couple of social workers, a couple of caseworkers from the adoption agency at the time. It was like five or six people were coming in my room to tell me this news. And then they were doing their job, wanting to make sure I was okay. And I said, I need to respectfully ask y’all to leave, please. And they insisted on going through their process. And they were like, why do you want us to leave? I said, I need time with my God right now before I talk to y’all.

I said, I’d be glad to talk to you, but I need some space. And needless to say, I prayed. I went down to the birth mother’s room where her mom was, her other daughter was, my wife is, and she’s holding her little baby girl. And what I haven’t told you is the night before my wife and I went out to dinner, and we asked the birth mother if we could get her something to eat, my wife said to me during dinner, are we 100% surrendered to God’s will in this situation? I remember saying, probably 90%. And my wife said, ‘Well, we’d better pray for the other 10%, don’t you think?’ I said, absolutely. And so we were surrendered. Not easy what we endured, but surrendered. So when I went to her room, The Spirit of God was strong in me, and she was crying and said, first thing, as soon as she saw me, she broke down and said, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I kissed her on the forehead, and I said, you owe no apology. 

I said, this is God’s child first, your child second, and anything we can do to help, that’s what we’re here for. And we’re the God child to that parent today. That child ended up back in our home with a fractured skull a month later. And I remember saying to God, what is this? What, what are you doing here? And now I know that probably lends to more questions right now, but like, I’m like wrestling with God. Are you trying to, to right or wrong? You know, was this your will all along?

All of that, but the truth- a one-month-old baby with a broken skull?

The same child had a fractured skull. Then you get hospitals involved, social workers involved, DCS involved. Ultimately, we were asked if we would watch her for a period of time. And we said yes. And we watched that child for six months, and she healed. And she ended up going back to her mom. And then we went on our adoption journey that I described to you earlier.

Oh, man. So I mean, I keep getting chills and tears. Oh, my goodness. This is the roller coaster. But like I said, life keeps lifing. And what I want to emphasize is something I said in the very beginning, gratitude is a choice and choose it several times a day. Because this is what I’ve learned in my seven decades. And this is the way I say it often, Jesus wasn’t a wimpy Jesus. Jesus is not wimpy. He did not beg God, please, please, please, please, please help me heal this person, right? Help me feed the fish, whatever. He did not beg. He’s always thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. get up and walk, open your eyes, eat the fish. Jesus is one powerful and it was in gratitude and release. So when I do, it’s like I can ask, believe, expect, and receive, but I don’t have to beg. I only can ask and expect that it’s already on its way, receive, and lay it at his feet, let it go, because we so often negate our prayers, right? With, yeah, but something else.

Yeah. And it’s a choice, right? I mean, we tend to think that gratitude is an emotion, and it can be. We think it can be a process. It can be, but it all starts with the choice. I mean, I don’t know about you, I have not yet met the person who can hold more than one dominant thought at a time. Like, if I’m worrying, of course Paul talks about that all throughout the New Testament; that’s what I’m consumed with. If I’m bitter towards somebody, it consumes me. But the same is true about joy or gratitude; it pushes the negative out. But like you said, we have to choose it all throughout the day because the negative comes back in naturally. 

But the great thing about gratitude is it accumulates. So like if even somebody in the worst spot, which we want to be sensitive to that, if you can have them just document, or verbalize if they don’t even have the energy to document, what’s one thing you’re grateful for? And it’s amazing how… Oh, I had a home-cooked meal today. The next thing you know, you know what? I have a refrigerator with bottled water. You know, it’s cold outside. The heat’s working in the house. I’ve got a winter coat. I’ve got warm sheets on my bed. The washer and dryer work. I mean, next thing you know, you’ve reeled off 20 things without even giving it a second thought. And then you can delve deeper into your heart about more complex things as you choose gratitude.

I absolutely love that. And I was like, and this is true, I believe, of depression specifically, and even anxiety, certain things that we’re so focused on. And it’s not belittling any of this. It’s just what I have observed; they’re so focused on what’s wrong and their own hurt that they can’t step out. And when you can just think of start, just one thing to, I think it’s two things. One thing to be grateful for is the gratitude itself, and the other is maybe helping someone or something else, such as the dog. It’s something that you reach out and you start opening that door to look outward instead of focused on inward. And that’s not easy. I’m not saying any of that. I’m not diminishing any of that. Aren’t you happy with toenails up, you know, I think it can be as simple as something like that to start start that process of retraining your mind, retraining your brain, refreshing your mindset. Right, what’s so good?

You know what and what I heard out of that was When you’re able serve someone You know But we have to, it depends on where you’re at, right? You have to meet people where they’re at. I want to be real sensitive to those that may be listening that it’s a difficult decision just to get out of bed today.

Yeah, it’s not judgment, it’s just observation and a way. I had a situation, a friend called, I wouldn’t have recognized her voice if it hadn’t been for her number several years ago, but she was in such a dark place that she could not Well, she could barely function for her to call is a really big deal when somebody is in that situation to to pick up the phone and call anybody and so somehow Somehow I was able to I think within five minutes She had shifted that and Enough that she she sounded better. She sounded different and I don’t think she’s ever been quite that deep and since then. And so, that’s a story that, I mean, I don’t know who am I, but it wasn’t me. 

And I say this a lot on my show, just because this is nothing about religion to me. This is about relationships, which is your expertise. But religion so often keeps God small. God isn’t small. He can do all things. We can do all things that Jesus did and even more. You know, this is about relationship and about love and unconditional love and love, you know, so loving is God loves. And I say it often at the end, you know, in my show at the end usually I’m like, You can’t do anything to be loved more or less by God. And so, you know, if God is love, he can’t be not love. So this conversation has gone completely different than I think either one of us would have thought, but that’s the way we roll here.

Right, correct.

I want to do something. This will be a first for me, but I’m going to say, I’m going to take just a little mini break and tell you guys about one of the things I’m most passionate about, and that is core cellular health. You have crunchy cells or squishy cells, and I’m going to tell you about that and take a little mini break about that, and then we’ll be right back with Steve Wormer. 

You remembered.

Yeah, I did, somehow or another. So yeah, so this is, you know, I’m just, my name means chat, we just chat, right? And so we want to make sure people know who you are, how to find you, how to get your, how to spell your name, how to spell your website. And so, clarify all that real quick and we’ll move on.

Sure, I’m pretty easy to find. The biggest mistake people make is my last name. They think it’s like the weather, but it’s actually Wormer, W-O-R-M-E-R. And you can find me on Facebook with that name. My website’s www.stevewormer.com. I’m on YouTube. So yeah, I’m really easy to find.

Yes, and you’re an inspirational speaker, you’re a trainer, you do a lot of things. So in your regard to this relationship training that I think that you are, that’s your livelihood and the pastoring and all that. You know, seriously, decades ago, I was like, the first thing I want to ask is, why are relationships so hard when we’ve got to deal with all the stuff you dealt with, when we’ve got to deal with all this other stuff? Why are relationships so hard? And what would you say to somebody who’s asking that?

Well, it’s a complex answer, or there’s many answers to the question, I rather should say. The first thing that comes to my mind, Charla, is it’s because I have my own script. Like, I have expectations of what my relationship should look like. However, the other person, whoever it is that we’re talking about, right, they have their script. And they don’t always align. And we don’t always communicate those scripts. And I had somebody say to me one time, and it just has always resonated, and I always share it, unexpressed expectations will always lead to hurt feelings. And I was like, wow, that’s so true.

Unexpressed expectations is the reason for disappointment. It is the core reason, unmet expectations. We don’t communicate our expectations. We assume them, don’t you? And you remember what to do, right?

We do. I’ll give you an example. Let’s say it’s Thanksgiving and your kids are off to school and off to college. Or maybe they’re young adults, but anyway, they’re coming home for Thanksgiving. Now, if you’re the dad, you know, you’re helping out where you can or wherever your wife tells you to. You know, for a lot of the moms, they’re cooking Thanksgiving dinner, the traditional dinner. You know, they’ve got ideas that the kids are going to be home a little early. Maybe they’re going to help with the preparations, but at least they’re going to be there for dinner, right? And then there’s going to be dessert. 

There’s going to be cleaning up the dishes together as they’re singing or conversing and how’s school and how’s your friends. And then you’re going to go sit by the fire or maybe the dad’s got the game on. You see all these things are scripts. But the kids haven’t seen their friends in four months. and they want to eat, and they’re out the door with their script, and they haven’t even helped you with the dishes. Now, I’m not saying everybody’s like that, but you get the point. Like, everybody’s got their own script, but if we’re not communicating, then there’s feelings getting hurt all the way around. And just like gratitude cumulates, those unprocessed scripts can cumulate over time, too. And those disappointments cause a wall to form between those that we’re closest to.

Totally, totally, totally. I mean, you just described half my life, right? You know, we want- Mine too. Yeah, we have so unmet expectations. And this is a huge conversation because I don’t think it’s addressed enough out in our world, right? So unmet expectations are the leading cause of disappointment and upset. upset draws upset. So then it’s, you know, this gets the escalation. And then we, we, we circle into ourselves. We focus back into ourselves and what’s wrong instead of what’s possible. Right. 

And, and so how, how do you manage that? I mean, I’m sure you primarily, it seems like you’re doing with marriages. No, I’m not married right now, but I, but I had my taste of that. I got my t-shirts. Right. So, um, But I think that that is your focus primarily, isn’t it, on getting that spark back and getting that trust back and getting that excitement back. that it’s hard to sustain over time, but it’s worth it. It’s worth the effort.

Well, I mean, I do help married couples, but I think what we’re talking about is more universal than just married couples. I’ll give you an example. So especially if we know somebody really well, like those in our immediate family, we know them really, really well, right? So they know how to put, huh? We think we do. Yeah, yeah, right, right. They know how to push our buttons. And so they can say something to us that’s innocent on the surface, but because we have all those unexpressed expectations from the past, all those scripts, all that history, we go deeper with it than we think. Let’s say, you know, your dad’s elderly and he calls you, you know, he’s living in an assisted living home or he’s by himself 30 miles away or whatever, and he calls you and says, You know, I feel all alone. 

Well, he just he’s just speaking his heart, right? I’m alone. But what you hear because you’re busy with your kids and your career and your deadlines is you hear Shane. You hear I’m not a good enough son or daughter. You know, I’m not visiting him as often as he thinks I should or even that I think I should. And so the tendency is what he what he has done in your mind, he’s just thrown an emotional ball at you. Now, really, he just said, I’m alone. And you catch it. And 100 percent of the balls that you catch, you will throw back and it’ll be a bigger ball each time. Well, you’ll say, well, you just don’t understand that I’m busy with my son and daughter and my marriage. And you’ve just heard his feelings because now it seems like you validated that that he doesn’t matter. And now you’ve got this tit for tat going. 

And the next thing you know, one of you hanging up the phone and the whole situation is worse than it was to begin with. So so we have to learn and this is hard. Just respond to the words, not what you think is the meaning behind it. What would be an alternative way to handle that? I’m so sorry, dad, that you feel that way. and let him continue on. He wants to process. If you were at the checkout line at your local grocery store, and the lady behind the register, she’s checking you out, and there’s somebody behind you, older man says, I’m all alone. I feel all alone. You’re probably going to turn around to him and say, I’m so sorry you feel that way. You’re going to show empathy and compassion. But see, we don’t do that as readily with our family members because of that script thing.

The stories we’ve made up that we planted back here and forgot we made them up. It’s true. We do we plant we you know You make an f in seventh grade and you think that uh, you’re you say, you know, somebody says well, you’re so stupid, you know, and you plant that i’m so stupid and all it was was an f but you plant that i’m so stupid in the In back here and the rest of your life you’re going see I told you I was so stupid you continue you prove it to yourself over and over again and self-fulfilling prophecy, right? So is that? Does that sound accurate to you?

That is accurate, yeah.

We make this stuff up all over the time. It’s stories we make up about something that happened.

And a lot of what you just described is not what actually happened, right? And a lot of that’s what leads to limiting beliefs, imposter syndrome, lack of self-love. I mean, that whole umbrella of limiting beliefs falls under that.

Totally. So what is your solution? What is your idea? I don’t have it. How do you help people? You don’t have it.

I just point them to the one that does have the answers. No, I mean, it is true. Without God, He’s limitless. We’re so limited. You know, married couples, I try to help them reignite the gratitude in their marriage, but it’s not going to work if they’re not pulling in the same direction. I mean, I kind of equate it to a ladder, right? If the husband’s on one side and the wife’s on the other, it only works if they’re both climbing the rungs of the ladder the same way, and they eventually reach the peak where God is. You know, it’s the same with any relationship. If one’s pulling, the other’s pushing, it’s not going to work. You got to get them moving in the right, same direction, rowing in the same direction.

Right. And there’s There comes a point, I mean this is, I’ll tell you my little, I wish I had one with me, my grandbaby has Hazel, her little pink elephant, you know, it’s like one of the tools that I heard about and have feel like it’s a really clever way is, so every so often I’ll buy a stuffed animal Elephant to newlyweds for newlyweds right and it’s like and with a little note and going hey when Some the beginning of that moment when there’s something wrong. You’re like he didn’t put the toilet seat down and she didn’t Squeeze the toothpaste right whatever, you know, it starts with little things usually but when those things start happening um And so often we let them build, build, build, build, build. And then, you know, you’re at the sink and he comes in and tries to say something and you’re like, and you garbage dump, you know, what if you have a little whimsical tool, you take the elephant and put it on the coffee table or on the bed and go, and they have an idea that, okay, when I’m ready, we’re going to have a conversation. And we can have a civil conversation rather than I walk in the door and… I don’t know what’s hit me, right, or why. So I think that’s just a cute little whimsical way to have, if you really choose to do it, I think it would work. You know, hey, you know, I’m, man, I needed, we need to talk. And it was like, we’ve been talking all day. What do you want to talk about? No, no. So have you ever heard of that? I just think it’s kind of might help.

I love that. I’ll give you an example. Well, it’s, it’s, it’s parallel to that. My wife and I several years ago got into marital trouble where she was 48 hours away from calling a divorce attorney. This is, this is probably the last thing. Well, it was the last thing that led us to be Christians, actually. And I remember in the process of trying to save our marriage, in addition to seeking God and Bible study and joining a fellowship, We were seeing a marriage counselor for a few sessions. And this is at the height of our problems. And she was describing something to Rebecca. And she said, how does this make you feel, Rebecca? 

Because she had lost a lot of weight, was stressed, you know, because of my decisions. And she said, it’s killing me. And she turned back, the counsellor turned back around to me and said, Steve, what did you hear Rebecca say? I said, she said, it’s hurting me. She said, let’s try that again. Rebecca, repeat what you said. No, it’s killing me. And it really got my attention. And what we didn’t know then was she was introducing us to the speaker-listener technique where I needed to listen, but then validate what my wife said. Is this what I’m hearing you say? 

Is there more that you want to tell me? And so it plays into what you’re saying because in the flow of life, if you’re busy, you’re not going to listen 100%. You’re going to cut conversation short. I am not Perfect at this by any stretch of the imagination, but what I try to do with both my family and with just people I know if I feel like I’m only giving a piece of myself or if I’m multitasking I’ll say can we can we schedule a time to have this conversation and because you’re important and I want to give my whole heart and be able to listen uninterrupted to you. So it’s a little different, but I think it’s the same concept of giving your all to that person so they feel important in your presence.

That’s so critical. And the reason I’m not married probably is because I finally was like, I just, I want to be heard. And what I also understood then, I was like, I want to be heard for what I’m saying, but also for what I’m not able to say. And that takes some real active listening. And when I recognized that, I wasn’t able to express it at the time. I didn’t know. But that’s where I feel like I came to. I want to be heard, and I want to be respected and somewhat understood in any relationship. You know, it takes some maturity, it takes some, just loving people as who and where they are and not taking things personally. So often what you said earlier, you know, we, you know, you take everything personally and then you’re offended and then you make assumptions. 

And then there’s a book called The Four Agreements, which is one of the best books I’ve ever run across about, not taking things personally and making, you know, not making assumptions. And the other two agreements are be impeccable with your word and always do your best. Love that book. And so that was a, in fact, I just ordered one. It’s a little, it’s a, I have had, I give them away sometimes. And,, you know, I was a little concerned back in the day, 20 years ago when I found it or whatever, but, the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and I think it was in it was not in the Christian section and I was a little concerned But they’re biblical principles completely and help. I know for a fact saved a lot of marriages when they realized that people are just saying what they say and doing what they do. And it’s not against you. It’s for them or just what they do. And then in my tiny book, 

I have a forgiveness release I wrote for my little candy bar hugs. It doesn’t take much to make a difference. You know, I did what I did. I call it a forgiveness release in the dedication of my little book. I did what I did. I didn’t do what I didn’t do. I did all that I knew to do with what I knew at the time, just like you did and are doing in your life right now. I love you. And just relax, release, and let it go.

Well, we’re all maturing, right? Hopefully we’re all growing. Like you said, we do the best that we can with what we knew at the time. And you know, if you think about those people that have heard us, most of the time it wasn’t intentional either. They were doing the best they could at the time.

Been thinking about that. Renewed that conversation I had with a little 16 year old girl one day, I think or seven, whatever, young teenager. Her father’s getting remarried and how dare he take it, you know, move me away from my friends and my family. And I was, I was like, you know, I’m pretty sure he’s not doing it against you. I believe he’s doing it what he believes is the best for you and your family. It’s not against you, it’s more for him or his decision-making, right? And so when you think about that, people are not, they’re rarely doing things against you. It’s against, if it’s harsh, And in the same little tiny book, it says unconditional love, unconditional forgiveness, not unconditional boundaries. If it’s harsh, it’s so often they don’t love themselves enough. They don’t love themselves enough. Bullies are victims too, I say. They don’t love themselves enough to know how to have a good relationship, how to love others the way they don’t have God’s love. in themselves for themselves.

Well, I’m 56 years old and still trying to learn all this, so I can’t imagine a 15, 16 year old. I’m thinking back to when I was 16. Most of us by the time we’re teenagers, our hearts are full of unprocessed emotions. i always ask people do you like all of jesus’s promises and people without thinking about that we all yeah yeah i want well do you like the one where he says you will have trouble and in the room goes quiet again i don’t like that one so much but it’s true like you said life’s gonna keep life it uh… people as we all time how how’s life treating us at last meet me up but god still with me you know it’s it’s it’s just true but life is gonna keep happening and it’s not always fair and it is hard But we have to have tools to help us cleanse our hearts of those things that harden it and make us bitter and make us unforgiving and make us coarse. And I think people are looking for those things, but they don’t always know where to find those tools. And just to tie gratitude back into that, gratitude can be a tool. There’s more formal tools, but gratitude is a tool that helps soften the heart. And when I think about the parable of the 10 lepers, it’s interesting that Jesus actually healed all 10. He gave them instructions to go to the priest, and they were healed on the way. Jesus wasn’t even there when he healed them. Amazing, right? And only one came back to say, thank you. And Jesus was moved by his gratitude. He was hurt. He said, where are the other nine? He was hurt that they didn’t all come back and say, thank you. So we have to dig deep and find a way to be grateful, because it pleases Jesus, but it also is just good for us. It’s good for our hearts.

Yeah, definitely, definitely. And so I asked you, what’s one of your favorite quotes? And you said, hope is the bright light at the end of the tunnel when you thought for sure it was just another train. I love that. That’s good. Yeah. You step in that tunnel and there’s a light down there and you’re like, ah, try it.

Here it comes again.

That’s a great one. How do you apply that in what you’re doing?

You know, that came from the adoption process. It was like every time, here comes hope again. Oh, it’s another letdown. It’s another letdown. And you’ve got to hold on. You’ve got to hold on. There’s a brighter day coming. You’ve got to keep going to the well. You’ve got to keep going, keep going, not give up. It’s hard. It’s really hard. One of my favorite quotes, now I’m quoting somebody else, is the Chinese missionary, Hudson Taylor. And I might get it slightly wrong, but he said, there’s always three stages of every work of God. One, it’s impossible. So when you look at a situation initially, it’s like, there’s no way. In the middle of it, it’s extremely difficult. three it’s done you don’t know when your blessings gonna come but one thing’s for sure if you quit it won’t

Wow, yeah, but God, right? And I just had a Zig Ziglar has a Monday morning for 40 something years now, every Monday morning, a little devotional at 730 Central Time. And this last week, the girl talked about, she listed a whole bunch of miracles. And she said, what do they have in common from the Bible? suddenly, but suddenly, but suddenly, but suddenly, there was wine. But suddenly, you know, a four day old stinking person walked out, you know, Lazarus. So, you know, and I love that. And so, you know, my other books, Split Second Transformation, Change Your Words, Change Your Life, 31 Daily Practices, that is split-second transformation. I had one that went from bitterness to joy. You know, there’s for one example, and by the way, three chapters in here out of 31 are about gratitude. Love that. Yeah, you can’t not have that. I know you have another book that you actually can pick up and show, then read the title of that. We didn’t mention that one yet, did we?

This is the 30-day marriage journal I did back in March, Reigniting the Gratitude in Your Marriage. It’s a 30-day marriage journal. It’s got a prompt every day. It’s got a daily reflection in one scripture. And it’s got, probably a little, there you can see it, plenty of room to journal on the opposite side.

Is it for one person or for the couple?

You know, that’s the great thing about it. It can be done together or just one person can do it, absolutely.

Okay, well then I’m sure that’s on Amazon. So, very, very cool. So, those are things that you’re doing. You also offer Courses, I think, don’t you, to help?

I’m actually in a little bit of a shift right now. I’ve got a course, I’ve got an eight-week course on marriage that also can help the couple together or just one spouse. And then I’m creating a new coaching program around what we talked about earlier. We just touched on it a little bit about limiting beliefs, imposter syndrome, lack of self-love, those kind of things. So it’s more in the resilience coaching realm that I’m working on now. But yeah, those are a couple of things that I’m offering.

Oh, so good. So good. So we’re winding down. It always goes fast. And I just had so much insight. I feel like you’ve got, you’ve really brought a lot of insight here. And then the compelling story, and I’ll just add, for me, I had an eight-month stillborn baby, my first child. And I didn’t even tell anybody I was pregnant, because of your scenarios, until after the fourth month, I think I was. And then you still. didn’t bring anything home, right. So, it was Valentine’s Day actually. Yeah, so I have a Valentine’s baby memory and she was, I got to see her. But you know, I ended up with three other amazing children and I don’t focus on that, but I can relate. I can relate, not to five like you did. So that’s, she was, when it’s eight, over eight months, that’s a full term. 

That’s hard. Yeah, but guess what? I felt, my doctor was like, it was, she was wrapped the cord, something messed up and you should be able to have children and we did. Yeah, so we all have our stories. There’s no one in alive that doesn’t have some story, some harder than others, some more miraculous perhaps than others, but they’re all stories that and when we’ve lived them, we need to get our stories out there and that’s why I have this show to help people. Tell your story, get out there. How can we make a difference in the world and be the best we can be?

I love that. I just want to share real quickly because it piggybacks off what you just said. I’m in the middle of launching a new private Facebook group called You Are Worthy Network, and it’s right around what you just said. The subtitle is Your Story’s Not Over. And it’s going to be me interviewing a lot of people on their comeback stories, their stories of hope, their testimonies. So it fits right in alignment with what you’re talking about here. So I’m so grateful for you, Charla, and having me and talking with me today. It’s been a treat.

Man, I mean, I just kind of get chills. This is so fun. It’s my favorite hour of the day just because of the week because so often, we don’t have deep conversations in our world. I’m fine. How are you? Great. I always say I’m fabulous and it’s a choice, right? So everything is choice, right? And I always say choose joy at the end of my show. So I love that you are leading with gratitude. And I listened to something this morning that was about gratitude. about choosing, and my last coaching session with one of my coaches is like, she says, write down, I choose. And so this whole theme this week around my world is choosing. And then you come up with your gratitude as a choice and choose it several times a day, and we can do that.

 What if we breathe that little, because it’s breathing in calm, my little exercise, breathing calm or breathe in, Who you say after I am is who you are. So breathe in who you want, who you choose to be, and then relax, release, and have gratitude as you exhale, right? So it’s all interrelated, and I just love that. It’s just like, oh, well, just another miracle. Thank you. Not really.

That’s what he does, right?

Спикер 2: God is working in warp speed, in my estimation. Right now, you better be careful how you speak. Speak what you desire, not what you don’t. And desire is of the Father, and then He gives you the desires of your heart. Every word matters. And I think so I hear the demeaning, dismissive, cursing language that we call ourselves when you say, am that’s God in you so yeah I talk about that a lot for sure.

Well that’s great.

Whatever you say after I am is who you are and if you don’t you should never say something after the words I am which is God’s name in you that you would not say about God. So when we’re cursing ourselves or I’m so stupid or I’m so you know whatever cancel cancel I’m so Sick and tired, stop. Speak life, speak life. Speak what you desire. So thank you. Do you have any last word? We’re gonna shut her down and put it in the can.

Three simple words. Hope is alive.

Hope is alive. It absolutely is. And if we reach out to either Steve, Wormer, wormer or charla if you have any concerns about having hope because there’s if you have a breath if you if you can have a you or have been provided for if you can breathe take a breath you have been provided it if you don’t like where you are That next step might need to be a different step, but you can’t change how you got to the step you’re in right now. So take a breath, make a different choice if you need to. Reach out to Steve or Charla, and we’re here to guide you. We’re here. We love people. with unconditional love. So thank you so much, Steve, for joining me today. It’s been a huge blessing to hear your story, and I just had a great time.

Thank you so much. It’s been great.

Well, we’ll see you next time. And remember to always, always, always choose joy.

Important Links

• Website:  https://SteveWormer.com
• Facebook-  https://www.facebook.com/steve.wormer   
• LinkedIn-  https://www.linkedin.com/in/steve-wormer-bb54b813
• YouTube-  https://www.youtube.com/@stevewormer5957
• BOOKS: Rivers of Hope  https://amzn.to/44JDfGP 
• Reigniting The Gratitude In Your Marriage  https://amzn.to/44u0plV
• “The Change” Book #22 with Les Brown, Jim Britt, Jim Lutes

Connect with Charla Anderson:

For more insights and to follow Charla’s creative journey, check out her website and her other projects:

• Website: CharlaAnderson.com
• YouTube: Check out her channel for beginner art tips, life wisdom, and more!

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About  Steve Wormer

proven steps to help them with unprocessed emotions, such as unforgiveness, bitterness, anxiety, relationship challenges, etc. Steve is a John Maxwell-certified speaker, coach, and trainer. He loves to share his powerful personal story from the stage, along with his eight steps to helping others get unstuck and take their next steps towards achieving their dreams.  Steve has a two-month coaching program that helps Christian couples reignite the spark and connection in their marriages. Steve has been married to his lovely wife Rebecca for 29 years, and they have three wonderful kids. Steve loves sports, working out, reading, and family vacations, especially ones that include the water. Steve speaks on resiliency, leadership development, personal growth and development, and emotional intelligence.

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