Breaking Through the Darkness of an Empty Nest

Breaking Through the Darkness of an Empty Nest

About Barbara Zinda

I am an empty nester who raised two boys as a single mom. They are now 24 and 26. I gained a daughter last year when my oldest son got married and they are expecting my first grandbaby, a girl! I was raised in a Catholic home where faith was at the center of the love my parents shared and they deeply desired for that faith to exist in the lives of their children. I had some trauma in my teens and found myself fractured and far from God. I spent many years trying to fill the God-shaped hole in my heart, not knowing the whole journey was pushing me to this very moment. I was made for more than being just a girl, just a wife, just a mom, just an executive. I was made to help others get unstuck faster than I did and to meet them right where they are. I remember 2020 when I found myself alone, isolated, sick, scared, and with a lack of purpose. I went to therapy where my therapist kept saying I had a God-shaped hole in my heart. I did not know what she meant, or how to find God. I remember telling her I had no purpose now that the kids are grown. They were my purpose! Now what? She was facilitating a program at her church called Rooted, and the day before our session they were discussing purpose. She asked me to see if they had Rooted in any of the churches near me and just check it out! So I paid the $50 and put it on my calendar. Thank God I didn’t listen to the voice inside my head saying to just stay home. It’s easier to isolate than connect with a bunch of strangers. Rooted changed my life. God reached right into my life and showed me how to live a life full of joy, peace, patience, love, forbearance and trust. I went back to school to study Psychology and left a Fortune 500 company to start my life coaching practice. When we are in crisis, we need a lot of support and love and hope or we stay in despair, isolation, depression, and grief. People find me when they are stuck and need some help moving forward into the light. Sometimes it is a quick fix, other times it takes time to create new mindsets, habits, beliefs, connections. My goal is to help move people from the lies and darkness that form in difficult times into the light and the love that is all around us. 

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Introduction

Good, beautiful day, you beautiful, beautiful souls! This is Charla Anderson, Host of the Charla Anderson show collector and connector of fascinating people. And everyone is fascinating, especially you.

So today, I’m going to just talk about life coaching. And it is not something that everyone truly understands. The breakthroughs that can happen when you have a coach focused 100% on you, your dreams, your pain, your experience, your potential, your life. It’s impossible not to walk away with a deeper understanding of who you are and how to find a road full of purpose, passion, potential and joy. And we’re exploring that today with www.bettertogetherlifecoaching.fun 

Barbara Zinda. But first, we do our little breathing exercise. We’re going to take a 22 second mini vacation. We’re going to breathe in some calm for 7 seconds. Hold for 4 seconds and breathe out gratitude for 11 seconds. So let’s do that first. Here we go, breathe in some calm.

Hold Relax. Release. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Gratitude is key to a satisfied life. So today I’m really grateful to introduce my brand new, best friend, Bff, because the best part of this new BFF is she lives 6 min from me, and we can actually have skin on time. Right? You know, hugs and such. And so this is really an amazing time. And we met just recently. But it was through the Prosper coaching program with Brenda Byers and amazing amazing stuff there.

So, Barbara, tell us who you are in this world. Tell us you know just who you are, and we’ll talk about what you do and what you offer. But you’re a very special lady, and I’m so grateful to have you with me today.

Thank you. Well, I’m so happy to be here, and I love love love that you start every show breathing and gratitude. There’s so much power in that, and I love what you said about life coaching. We’ll get into all of that, I’m sure. But yeah, I am. A single mom turned empty. Nester in the pandemic 2020 was a very difficult time for me, but before that I was raised in a Catholic family, very loving home, with 3 other siblings. I’m the second born, and my mom worked at a university. My dad taught psychology, and I took kind of a different route in my career. I went right out of high school into working at a fortune 500 company in finance, and I worked in the corporate space for almost 30 years, and I didn’t go to. I had no education. I just went right from high school to this career in banking, and I climbed the ladder. I did pretty well. I got a some fancy titles like Vice President and senior consultant, and I had a lot of fun coached a lot of people on how to be great at sales, or to be a good leader, or, you know, just to excel in the corporate environment. Get a new job, resumes all that stuff.

But I started to change my approach to life in the pandemic when my kids moved out. And you know, it went from this really busy, full, noisy house, full of dirty socks and dishes in the sink, and you know always someone to talk to and cook for and be around to kind of avoid, and it was, I would say, the the hardest part of my life is when I became an empty nester, and of course it had to happen in the pandemic.

This was a time that a lot of people’s lives changed, and I’m one of many. But it was a really cool moment so I decided to go to therapy because I was figuring out what’s my purpose? What’s my purpose? I don’t know what my purpose is, and she kept saying to me, Barbara, there’s a god-shaped hole in your heart. There’s a God-shaped hole in your heart, and I’m like I don’t even know what that means. I never really understood what a relationship with Jesus a relationship with God could be.

And she just kept kind of dripping on me. And eventually she’s like Barbara, I’m teaching this thing at church. It’s called Rooted. And it’s a 10 week program that gets you closer to your purpose to God and to your church. So I found it online. I was living in Las Vegas at the time, and I found a church that I’d never walked into, a great big Christian church and walked into a conference room full of strangers.

That’s where God found me and met me and took me from where I was to where I am sitting today, and I cannot say enough about the program Rooted and the people I met. Through that process I started facilitating it because it changed me so much. I wanted to help others to experience the same thing. And I feel like this move to Texas. I live in Dallas-Fort Worth, just like you. And I feel like this change. I’m exactly where God wants me, and my business is helping people. Some of them do it through finding God. Some of them already found God and have a really great faith. But there’s a lot of ways to find purpose in the empty nest, which is what I specialize in.

That’s amazing. So, you know, I say this a lot, because in this tiny little book in the introduction it talks about finding purpose. What if you don’t have to search? What if you just be your perfect? Your purpose is who you be in the world, who you are, how you relate to every the person right in front of you. Right? So the Candy Bar Hugs doesn’t take much to make a difference has that little line in it, and so many of us are thinking it’s out there. But really it’s in here.

We have every single thing that we need in this world. We’ve got it all inside us, all around us, and when we have that gratitude and the belief that I am. I’m everything I need to be. I’m exactly where I need to be, and I do a lot of coaching around mindset. and When you’re in the past it’s good to have memories. But when you start really getting stuck there a lot of times, you can go down a downward spiral of thinking. Or if you’re really looking ahead to what’s coming, you can get anxious. But if you’re in the moment you’re right here right now.

The power is huge, especially when you bring in the gratitude, and you can just say one thing you’re thankful for leads to another, and pretty soon. Your mindset is so much better than it could be in a dark, dark place.

Yes, and so you’re the mindset. And really I just set. I just flew to Denver, and you can obviously tell I’m not in my home airport. People going behind me found the quietest place I could and I flew here for my son’s birthday and all that so? I just talked to the young, incredible young 30 year old man is sitting next to me with a career, and he’s, you know, debt free. I mean, he’s got his path is amazing. But we just talked about that where we are right. This second is all we have.

I say this a lot in my shows. If you listen because I think it’s something that was when I realized when it really sucked up. You know, I don’t have last minute or last second last words to change. I only have this one to make a different choice. If I if I don’t like where I am, I only had this second to make another choice, say a different word, apologize and move forward with it. If you know honestly, if you don’t, everything is choice, and if you don’t like where you are. Make a different choice next next second, next word next minute, next hour, next week, next year, a new year here.

We help people to take the next best step forward because you can get stuck, especially if you experience trauma. I talk a lot about changing relationships, because empty nester was the hardest time in my life, and I had to learn how to have a relationship with adult children, how to grow my circle of friends to be, you know, strengthening and filling me up. And gosh! I just when it comes to disappointment. Let’s talk about disappointment in relationships.

If someone does something that disappoints you and they’re going to right, it’s inevitable. People are going to disappoint you. They’re not going to answer the phone fast enough. One of my sons will not text me back sometimes for days, and it used to really bother me. But he’s got a life. He’s got a lot going on, and I love that for him. So if you’re disappointed, here’s the kind of downward spiral I coach people to stop starts with disappointment.

You could either let it stop there and go to gratitude, or you can stay stuck. And the next step from disappointment is you start to really go inward, and depression is an inward, focused anger. You’re mad, but you’re completely in your own head, and the spiral of thoughts and negative self-talk and limiting beliefs and pity party starts right? And when you get stuck in that darkness, yeah, it’s powerful. And what you focus on expands. So when you’re in that deep, dark space and you’re depressed. It can lead to the most dangerous spot which is isolation and being isolated, and all that negative self-talk is a very bad place to be. The root of bitterness is strong, and it’ll grow, and you got to stop it. Pull it out at the root.

In my coaching practice, if they have a strong faith, we talk about strongholds and eliminating strongholds. They’re called strongholds for a reason. They’re a big root that you got to pull up and get rid of so disappointments. A dangerous place to start. But if you know where it can lead, and shifting it to get out of that. So what? He didn’t text me back? It’s fine. What am I going to do next? You know what, I’m going to open up a book and read something funny, or, you know, like you just got to change it before it gets to that deep, dark place.

Well, when you know where yours all you have you, and you start recognizing that. And you know I don’t have to. I loved it when I learned I don’t have to know. I don’t have to know all the answers. I don’t have to be in control of any of it, because I can’t. I’m not. But we want to think we are right. So it doesn’t. It doesn’t work that way. I was. Gonna my definition of disappointment is unmet expectations. So whatever you have an expectation that you want an answer right now.

He doesn’t do that. Then what right? So that’s where that spiral starts you’ve got. You’ve got an expectation of somebody doing something that you want. that they don’t even know, you know, or may not even have a clue. So don’t you don’t have to.

There’s a it’s a fine line between speaking up for what you want, which is important. And you know, as a mom, if I need something from my child. I used to pour on a little bit more than I needed to, because I was feeling really emotional. And when you’re in an emotional space. It’s easy to share that like I coach my parents like. Don’t you? Don’t have to share this deep despair that you’re feeling with your kid.

This is a personal emotion that you’re experiencing, and it is hard. And it is okay to grieve. You’re going through a bereavement process which people like to put a period on and say, Well, it’s been 6 months. Haven’t you gotten over this yet? No depression and bereavement and grief? They go on and on, and they pop up at weird times, and you gotta give yourself the grace. It is okay to be disappointed. It is okay to experience that. But do you share it? Or do you find another outlet? Call a friend, hire a coach, talk to a therapy like there’s so many other steps that you can take so that it’s not this, it kills relationships, it absolutely alters the course of the relationship. If you feel like you need to just share every bit of emotion.

Exactly or thinking that they can read your mind and that you they’ve got a completely different agenda. They’re just out there doing their lives. And you’re like, what about me? What about me? So it’s like, yeah. And it pushes them away. So one of my sayings is that jealousy is one of the most wasted emotions. And so what we’re talking about is a tiny bit, a form of jealousy that we’re not. They’re not spending their time with us the way we wanted. So you’re doing, you’re dealing with, you know, empty nest and or any relationship that is evolving or transitioning some other way. And so the more we squeeze.

The farther the farther they want to run the control. You can’t control another person. You can’t control their emotions. You can control your reaction. You can control the words you choose. I’ve learned that I’m a very emotional person. People that know me. I’ll cry at the drop of a hat that’s just like God made me that way. I have really strong emotions, and I had to learn not to react immediately, because my emotions lead me down a negative path a lot of times, because I heard a saying I think it was.

Emotions are good indicators, but they’re terrible captains. Don’t let your emotions decide for you what your next action is going to be. Take a minute, just take a second, acknowledge the feeling, take a deep breath, and when communicating this is so important in relationships, different people need different things.

If I’m approached and my siblings have learned this, I’ve got a very assertive family, you know we used to play trivia and board games, and sometimes they would come at me a little too strong, and my fight or flight is strong like being able to just say, Nope, not fighting, I’m running away, or I’ve learned, and this helps me so much in my coaching practice that when communicating with others. That first emotion is where I need to pause, and if the person that I’m communicating with, if I’m choosing my relationships right.

I have to communicate that to my partner. I need to say, listen. If you have a very strong emotion and you come at me. I immediately shut down, and it’s important to know that about myself, so that I can communicate and say you have every right to your emotion, but know that when you do that I can’t hear you. I go into space right? It’s that face. You’re exactly right. It’s just like, what do I do? So coaching people to understand how they do respond in, you know, areas of conflict. It’s really helped me. It helped me a lot in my career. It’s helped in relationships, and it certainly helped me with my kids.

And so, years ago, taking one of my multiple mini courses and things that feelings we learned that feelings are not right or wrong feelings just are right feelings just come and go, and and you can. You’re taking that split second to hone in on. What does it really look like, how is this working? And is this what I want to? How I want to react? Or do I want to take a second to respond. So feelings are not right or wrong. but your reactions can be, I mean.

Absolutely.

Yeah, you know, when you get furious all of a sudden you’re furious, and you throw the dog across the room. There’s a wrong action, right so, and wrong response to the dog peeing on the bed. One time too many. I’m not gonna tell you. Who knows that story.

Oh! It has.

Actually, I’ll just go ahead and say that because I had the cutest little Yorkie, and she peed on the bed one time too many, and I picked her up and just threw her. And I was like this was before I had children.

And it made me recognize that split second that a lot of us have in a reaction to our children. And so it was before children. I got to learn that with my poor little doggy, that. What a gift! What a gift! What a it was! A gift! But you didn’t. I didn’t realize it at the time, but ultimately I’m like I had no idea I had that in me.

Yeah, and that’s you. You’re speaking from a place of wisdom now. But yeah, I think about my kids. So I’ve got 2 boys, and I won’t go into too much detail, because they’d be so embarrassed. But when you’re growing up, and you I’m taking by the way side note, I’m going to Grand Canyon University, and I’m studying psychology, which was something I wanted to do ever since my kids were little, I always said when they move out. I’m going to get my PhD in psychology. And so back in 2023, May of 23, I started this journey, and it’s changing the way I see the world and studying psychology helps me understand how we tick and why we do the things we do. And so I look back on how I raised my boys, and some of the advice that I gave them, and back to your topic of anger. siblings, sibling rivalry. Right? I have 3 siblings. There’s 4 of us. That’s a lot of relationships going on right. And it’s easy for one to not get along with the other. And then one is a piece, anyway, siblings is a whole ‘nother topic, but raising kids and dealing with them as siblings and wanting them to love each other, wanting them to get along, wanting them to, you know, develop strong relationships and have that family foundation. When one of them was angry and took it out on the other. In whatever way I’ve read a story that really changed the perspective. I think of one of my sons, and we’d have to ask him if this is my story or his. But here’s the story I read when a young man made an angry decision every time he made a bad choice and acted out of anger that instant. Throw the dog, or whatever it is.

Go out to the backyard fence and take a hammer and nail and nail in, you know, hammer in that nail into the fence, and every time he made a and it was a lot a lot of nails in this fence, and eventually, when he started making better choices and not acting out of that immediate anger, take the nail out right and over time all of the nails were gone because he learned how to retrain, how he reacted and not respond, you know, so quickly. But the whole fence was still full of holes, because that act of anger. It leaves a lasting impression, and it’s almost like a drop of water. There’s so many, you know.

Yeah, it is a ripple effect, too. I mean you. You showed it. You showed the ripples truly. So. I’m a little bit intrigued by I mean, you know, my show is about overcoming and about hope and all that, and and I’m intrigued by I mean being in the corporate ladder, and really making it to the fairly close to the top of a fortune. 500 companies from, you know, from 1st job, right? You know, that’s a path, and it becomes your identity.

So when I was a flight attendant it was who I am, right, so who I am as a banker, you know, that’s kind of who your identity has been all this time. How was that? How has that been when you have no longer have that as your identity, because that was a tough one for me.

And I mean, it’s back to like, what are all the labels that define me that people give to me and say, I who I am right. Nobody can tell me who I am but my Heavenly Father. I am who he says I am, and that’s it. So am I a banker, a corporate executive? Am I a life coach? Am I a single mom? Am I empty? There’s so many labels that people have given to me, and I learned through coaching and therapy and and reading a lot a lot of self work. I learned that if I take any of those labels and let it define me. It’s a dangerous place, and it’s almost like wearing a mask. and I have to put on this mask. If I’m a corporate employee, this is why I left. Something really tough happened. Well, we all have things that are difficult. But my dad passed away last year in April. And yeah, he taught psychology and inspired me his whole life. Just an amazing man. He actually wrote a book. You can find it on Amazon. I’m just going to give my dad a quick shout out, it’s called, breathe only love! A path to God’s presence, and my dad was such a phenomenal human.

Love him.

Yeah.

I mean he’s that’s my message, love, you know. Breath. Oh, my goodness!

We were connected for a reason, for sure. I’m thankful.

Much more than me.

For sure. The last conversation I had with him was about my identity, and it’s so crazy how you know, God works and and things overlap, and you get different messages if you’re really paying attention. My dad said so. I’m studying psychology straight A’s, which I, when I was in high school, like it was a struggle to get B’s and C’s so to have straight A’s in college is like it still blows my mind. And so I went, and I was so excited to tell my dad like, Hey, dad, guess what I have straight A’s! And they invited me to the National Collegiate Society like, isn’t that cool? And I’m studying psychology because of you. And he was the one person I thought would be like great job wonderful. You know. I’m so proud of you. Instead, he said.

I don’t really know that you need to go to school at this point in your life. I think your career speaks for itself. I remember I was so at 1st I was mad. I was like, come on, be proud of me, but he was. He was so proud of me, and he always showed me like he always said that. You know you’re more than what other people tell you. You’re more than this label. You’re more than your identity is bigger than that. And you’re so unique. And you’re so loved. So yeah, when it comes to my corporate title

it by him, saying that it almost took it away like. you know what, I don’t have to do this anymore. I can find a different path, and I help people for a living. Now people pay me to help them get over difficult situations, or pull off the labels, and, like really, truly find out what it means to live with joy and hope and all of the fruits of the Holy Spirit like, how do I actually experience peace the only way I got through. And last year I mean it was a roller coaster. Dad died. I had 4 weddings, so I had like 4 weddings and a funeral, and they were all anyway, it was a lot.

Isn’t that a movie? But I got through all of it. with some peace, and it made no sense to have peace when my dad died, and I’m like I thought I would just like get soaked up into the floor when someone that close to me passed away like, how can I even exist? But here I am, and thank God for my dad. I talked to so many people when he passed away, and they shared personal stories like. you know, never knowing that their parents loved them, never knowing their dad loved them, and my dad made it known he’d say things like you always got more hugs than spankings, and he’d make it a point like, Hey, you see, that boy over there talking about my brother. I love that boy he just loved, and there’s no greater gift that you can give to your child than love.

Oh, it’s beautiful, beautiful, I mean, he sounds like a remarkable person, a great, great, great human being, and a dad, and having him say that to you. When you’re expecting I’m following your footsteps. Well, he saw you as who you were outside of your career, you know he saw the real you, and I’m sure he’s ecstatic that you’re doing what you’re doing. And it wasn’t. But it still isn’t your identity. And when you say you know, we only have what we should just identify with who God says we are. And you know, and when I’m when we talk about God on my show. This isn’t about religion. This is about relationships and love, right? So that it’s I’m not a big religion fan.

Go down that path just a little bit, because this was a huge part of my breakthrough in my life. Religion involves humans and humans hurt people. We’re.

Not in a box. It puts God in a box, and my God is bigger and better than your God, because you’re at the other wrong denomination. And so it’s all divisiveness. And it’s all about having control and power over us and keeping us small and out of God’s mind. And we’ve got that. And God’s mind is inside of us. I mean, he’s the multiple verses. Say that right? So we have we can do. Jesus said, we can do all things, and even more, everything that he’s done, and even more, that’s a lot of stuff that’s a lot of good stuff. So I wanted to come back to this.

My second book is Split Second Transformation. Change your words, change your life. 31 daily practices, and what it is about is every word matters, and when use whatever you say, this is huge. Whatever you say after the words I am is who you are. When you say I am joy, I am fabulous. What do you know?

Yes, you are.

Yes, and I get to choose. It’s my choice. But when you’re when it comes out of your mouth as an I am, which is God’s name coming out of your name. Those you just be careful with what you say after that, because that’s who you are in that moment, and if you want to say I am sick, I am tired. I am. This job is killing me. All those things that you’re going. I’m going to cancel, cancel.

Don’t claim any dis-ease. Say, I’ve been diagnosed, you know, and I’m doing all I need to do, but who I am is playing with those grandchildren. I’m healthy, healthy, and healthy, happy and wise, and you know you speak what you want and what you expect, and then you lay it at his feet and let him do the work while we, while we, while we envision the life we want.

And this is where coaching comes in, because I didn’t realize. You know God gives us our daily bread. That’s it. You don’t get more than what you need today, and that’s why, if you’re stuck in the past or you’re stuck in the future, and you’re not in the moment you don’t have enough, and that’s where all the emotions spiral. But if you stay in the moment and focus on today and you’re grateful, and you know who you are. It all just comes together as this beautiful thing. A lot of people do a word of the year. And I went to a New Year’s Eve party. We had so much fun, and we had such rich conversations. It was amazing the story my friend shared, and I have to look up who who the speaker was.

She said that this speaker went in front of large groups and would tell the story and say, Okay, everyone grab a piece of paper on the piece of paper. Write your least favorite vegetable right? Write down that. What’s your least favorite best vegetable? What would you say?

Hmm! I love, I’m gonna say, Cilantro, because I can’t do Cilantro. My, it’s not a vegetable, but it is.

Okay. Cilantro.

Green. It’s a green thing. And as an aside, people either love it or hate it. And there is literally a gene or a DNA thing in your body. It tastes like soap if you don’t. If you have that particular or don’t have whatever it is. When I found that out. I was like, no. I’m like everybody’s like, I love Cilantro. I’m like it tastes thanks like soap.

That face that feeling of disgust. Right? So if you’ve got it written on a piece of paper, you could take that piece of paper and throw it on the ground and just stomp on it. Stomp on it, stomp on it! Boo, Cilantro! I hate you right now. Take a piece of paper and write your mom’s name on the piece of paper.

Now throw it on the ground and stomp on it, he said, after doing the same thing in front of all these groups, not a single person ever stomped on their moms, whatever the emotions are, and the relationship was with your mother stomping on your mom. So this shows the power of words, words matter, and the word cilantro just gives you a reaction. The word mom gives you a completely different reaction. So words matter. Last year I picked a word, but I didn’t keep it in front of my mind. My word was breakthrough. And Whoa! Did I break through a lot last year?

But what I didn’t do that I’m doing differently this year is I’m writing it every single day, and I think that there’s power in that and bringing it into the moment, inviting it into the day. So yeah, words are definitely powerful.

Well, let’s give props to Brenda Byers. Do you have your daily planner? I have mine somewhere here. Prosper. prosper daily Planner it is. Can you read it? Name? I don’t have my! I didn’t put my glasses on.

Prosper. Daily 90 Day Planner, newly revised by Brenda Byers. And it’s amazing because it leaves you space for. And I’ve been doing it every day you get to write your word for the year, and so it does keep it top of mind. But there’s also reminders like, I know, I read the book Miracle Morning, and the power of really being intentional in the morning. And Brenda talks about that, too. Praying affirmations. I like it. Her declaration is added, so that’s what you will do today. And it’s really helped me as a life coach who has worked for corporate America, I had someone do the technology. I had someone, you know, prepare the like. I didn’t have to do every single thing as an entrepreneur. I have to do all of it.

So this journal has a spot where you break up your day into 20 min, uninterrupted chunks. That’s been a game changer for me this year. Am I focused on something that’s going to help my business right now? Or am I focused on something that’s gonna help my business in 30 days? Would this be a good spot? I’d love to talk about this.

Hey? Perfect? Yes, absolutely. So. We, you know, have got normally at home. I have my clock right in front of me, and.

You’re doing so good. You adapted so well to being at the airport. Great job.

Oh, we’re doing good time.

I’d be like if I can’t be at home in front of my laptop. I don’t know. But okay. so part of this year I’ve gotten really laser focused on what matters right now. And so I created the empty nesters playbook. No sorry. The empty nesters roadmap. and it’s a roadmap that breaks down the different stages, because being an empty nester is not a destination just like grief, you don’t just wake up and go. Oh, I’m there! I did it nailed it. But it’s something that is so different. I did a lot of market research to understand what different people experience as they become empty nesters, and there’s some obviously very strong emotion right when the child leaves. It’s like

one of my clients said, you know her daughter was her best friend, and she was, you know, 20 years old, and moved away, and it was like her heart was gone. The energy in the house shifted. She didn’t have someone to cook for like it’s such a big shift. So that’s stage one is you have to embrace the shift. It’s not easy. Step 2 is declutter and discover you have to make. So 1st of all, you can’t move past the 1st one until you’re ready. Acknowledge your feelings. Give yourself the time, and then moving to step 2

is I had a client who shared every day she’d walk past pictures of her kids when they were younger. and it made her really sad. So she got rid of the pictures and updated them with new pictures of her adult children, and it brought more of the joy that she wants in her life so declutter. What’s not serving you get rid of it physically, get rid of it mentally, emotionally, and get rid of it in your time and relationships. Who are you spending time with? And then finally, once you get past that stage is reigniting your purpose, really self-reflecting or working with a coach to figure out, well, what brings me joy? What did I set aside that I want to bring back to my day in my life. And there’s a bonus step, which is how to navigate the relationship with adult children because it’s different. It’s not the same.

They do not need you to be all up in their business all the time, and if you are, you can really damage the relationship. So this is a free tool that I’m giving away on my website bettertogetherlifecoaching.fun It’s fun, because we have so much fun. And yeah, if you want this free resource, please go to my website and you can get it for free, and it’ll meet you where you’re at. That’s a big part of coaching is, you know, every individual story is different. And so you’ll have some gems in here. But yeah, my business is called better together. Life coaching, because we’re so much better together if you’re trying to deal with it alone, and you’re not reaching out, and you’re in that dangerous, self-reflecting, isolated place. You got to get out there and connect with people. We’re better together.

Absolutely. And so that’s why it looks like a wonderful resource. I think it’s got to be beneficial. Have you had a response from it? Or is it brand new? It’s brand new. I have it! My web designer is just getting it up on my website now. So by the time I know we’re living right now. But by the time we post this it’s gonna be ready to go. So.

Oh!

Be more excited to get this out into the world. I’ve spent several months gathering data, because that’s I’m a learner. I love learning and input is, you know, I’ve learned that I’m really good at learning who knew? But yeah, through that process, and having conversations with a lot of people to know what their journey was like. So it’s not just about my journey. and then bringing in some of the nuggets. From what I learned in psychology and life coaching certifications. It’s just been a really fun journey, and I am just very excited about the breakthroughs I’ve already seen.

Oh, so good relationships that were completely damaged, that are now repaired, people that were in a really dark place, that are now full of light and love. So I couldn’t be happier doing what I’m doing.

We did talk about in the beginning. All of those really dark emotions is we’re focused so much on what’s wrong with us. So what’s wrong in our lives and insight, and the one tiny right action to take, when, if you the second, you have a moment of this, I don’t want to be like this anymore. You, the 1st step is.

what can you do for someone else reaching out just. And yeah, just taking a, you know, buying a cup of coffee for the person next to you. What? Something in my little book? We buy a candy bar for the checkout person, and then offer a hug. That’s what candy Bar hugs is all about, and just it says, Pay it forward type of thing. But when you can get, take one second or 1 min hopefully, and quit focusing on me. Me, me, me! What’s wrong? What’s bad? What’s hard? And I’m not saying it’s easy to do any of that. And it’s you know, it’s we’re we’re not creatures of

of knowing that innately how to do that. But there are tips and tricks and when you, when you walk out of it and just realize well, I’m living in what? So what? So is where I am right now. And yeah, I wish it was. I wish it would be great if it was different right now. But right.

It’s right here, that’s all we got.

That no next step is your choice. To what if you? What if you reached out to someone worse off than you just just looked at that. We all know millions of people that are better off than us right. But who do we know anybody that’s worse off than us and start going. Huh! And then start counting your blessings, counting your gratitude, your blessings, and oh, my gosh! It will! I had a friend that called. I couldn’t even recognize her.

If I hadn’t seen her number I wouldn’t have recognized her voice. She was, and within 5 min I pointed some of that kind of out, I think that’s what it was. I don’t remember. It’s been years, but she’s never been in that dark of a place again when you can, when you can change your perspective enough to recognize. you know. Maybe it’s not all about you. So.

And yeah, that’s another book Brenda recommended. I started to read again. Is the 4 agreements.

Sharing that book with me.

Okay, yeah. I know you’re a huge fan of that book, and if you can take that. it’s not personal. It’s not about me. But I mean you bring up such a great point when it comes to helping other people, and what that does for your spirit, and what that does for you. I’ll never forget when I walked into that conference room full of strangers during rooted didn’t know anybody, and that’s hard. Let’s be honest, walking into a group of strangers is not easy for everybody. and after I had been isolated for so long in the pandemic and really got used to, I worked from home. The kids were gone like I was used to just being alone. And you know, when you’re alone, your brain actually starts to atrophy your brain. Well, it’s awful! What can happen? So, going from that isolated space to connecting with others and traveling down the path of inviting in the Holy Spirit, the power of prayer and helping others.

We would go, and, you know, feed the homeless. On Saturdays in Vegas it could get really hot, so sometimes we’d bring, you know, watermelon and sunscreen, or we would, anyway, helping other people is such an important part. And when you think about the power of connection, and how easy it is to stay isolated. If you’re there, it’s it’s your brain loves that. Your brain is comfortable when things are going the same way. because it’s safe. That feeling of walking into a room of strangers is like, Oh, there’s no like experience with this yet, but then, when you do it the second time. It’s easier and it gets easier, and it gets easier. That’s the power.

Vessel. It’s new, like any new muscle. Right? It’s certainly a piece of all that. So no, yeah. I believe that is truly the secret of stepping out of depression, but it has to take some. You have to have a make the choice. and our show isn’t about depression necessarily, but.

Hope it’s the opposite of depression, hope.

Purpose and joy and love and peace, and I have my I say it all the time. Nearly every show. The unconditional love is my message, unconditional love.as God loves.

God is love. He can’t be, not love. Unconditional love.

Unconditional forgiveness. not unconditional boundaries. So there’s that thing that I would never. You know that people sometimes confuse unconditional love and unconditional forgiveness to taking thing on things they should not. So I do. That’s my caveat.

Yeah, I had to learn that lesson I went through. There’s a wonderful book called Good Boundaries and Goodbye.  really, really great. Wish I could tell you the author. It’s not on the tip of my tongue right now, but yeah, having boundaries and not letting people pass them, is really an important lesson for everyone, especially women. It’s easy to become a people pleaser and just do what you know. I’m doing what you said. No like. There’s times when you need to absolutely set a boundary.

You’re bringing up agape, love, and that’s a word I hadn’t even heard of before rooted. I didn’t even know what agape love was my whole I mean my dad kind of talked about it, but he didn’t label it that, and once I found the word agape and googled it like it, like I use it a lot. It’s like the foundation of my coaching with relationships. If we really talk about what is agape love, and it’s loving someone, even when they don’t deserve it.

It’s the opposite of depression. It’s hope and love, and the word love is. It’s not. It’s it’s 4 little letters, but it’s such like. If you really learn about study, make it a point to understand all the different ways of love, whether that be love languages, or to me agape. Love is the biggest form the highest form, the most fulfilling, for.

Encompassing every. It encompasses all of God’s unconditional love for us, and that’s you know he doesn’t care if you’re in a gutter or in a castle. You know he loves you, no matter what he doesn’t care if you’re a murderer or a saint. You know he got. God is love, he can’t be, not love.

We’ve been taught that there’s this big condemning God that you know. If you’ve done all this bad stuff, you’re not. You’re not welcome in church. Well. don’t go to. You need another church because you are welcome, because church is people. Yeah. And when you can begin to receive. And most people don’t love themselves enough.

To love others. That’s where the bully comes in, and that’s where the things that they’re so insecure in their own self-love that they don’t know how to love the next person, and I think that all of those all of these things are, you know, intertwined in what you’re doing, what I’m doing. And you know

I named my coaching. I haven’t even mentioned the name of my new coaching program on my show, not even once. It’s called the courageous clarity coach program, coaching program, or whatever it’s that’s not all. Rolling off my tongue quite yet. But and Brenda helped me, Thailand, because who I feel I am is bold. Faith, no fear, who I am is outrageously courageous. Who I am is a lot of these things, and so create a courageous coaching program. Because I believe. Jesus said, we can do what he did, and even more so we when it’s not arrogance.

When I say I, you know it’s authority. It’s an authority that we have. We’ve been given the authority. If you want to find that verse. John 1412, I believe, is, Jesus said, we can do what he did, and even more, you know. Let me just say, that’s a lot so.

But why weren’t we taught it? And why don’t we believe it? And why don’t we act on it? I don’t. 100% of time. Certainly not. But I do, I believe you know, hey? I just asked. Believe. And this is a key that I believe was kind of removed, or maybe overlooked when they translated. Expect that it’s already done, and that’s where we talked about the disease. Expect that it’s already healed. Expect it, and you can see those grandchildren, and you can see those, the weddings, or the whatever it is that you see on the other side of that thing you might have been diagnosed with is not who you are.

It’s just something that was mentioned out here. You don’t have to claim it.

One of those labels that you can yeah, get rid of because it doesn’t define you. It’s not your complete who you are.

Perfect exactly who you are, who and where you are. There’s nowhere else to be. You were perfect right here right now, because it’s all you got.

Well, and I always say, and my word of the year is flow, and because I’m an overachiever I have 3 words, but if you’re listening, and you don’t have a word. Just pick one. Don’t pick 3, because it’s overwhelming if it’s your 1st time. But flow, abundance and joy are my words. and the flow is in the morning.

I love that, and my name is Joy in Greek, you know. and it means chat in Spanish, too, so that I there’s a story about that that I was just flabbergasted when I found out my name means Joy in Greek, but so we’ve got Oh, you were just saying, what was it?

The flow. The flow is your word, the word, the word, the word. So to the power that’s right there, and the love.

Every word matters, every word matters, and then, when we defeat some of our words unintentionally most of the time, if it be your will. Well, if you’ve spoken, and there’s no harm being done. we we kind of take away God’s power when we start giving him an out, because I mean this. This is, it’s too late in the game today to talk about this too much. But you know we negate our prayers, we weak. We wimpy prayers. Yes, please, please, please, please, please. Those are wimpy prayers. And why don’t you answer? My please, please, please, please.

Please. You know obviously you, you don’t believe id! There’s no belief, and the expectation that it’s already done and on its way, and then release it. Lay it at his feet beautifully, gives him the space, and gives the time to give that gap in time sometimes. And and I honestly, I think things are. He’s working at warp speed now, because he sometimes I mention it, and I’m like Whoa! Thanks. That was best.

That’s like in the Bible. It talks about Abraham, who’s going to sacrifice his son because God said to do it. And he was okay. You know, I’m going to be obedient. That obedience is okay. I believe that you always have a bigger plan. And so he was going to do that, and when it came time there’s a RAM running up the hill running up the hill. He can’t see it yet. It didn’t come over the top, he’s ready to sacrifice his son. And then God says, No, I would never have you do that. Son gets up.

And there’s this beautiful ram. It’s already there that ram was already running up the mountain. There was never a moment when he would allow him to sacrifice his son, so that belief of that ram is right over the edge of this mountain, running towards me. Here it comes. Oh, thank you that.

Everything.

Gratitude.

Ask, believe, expect, and receive, and lay, and then release it. See, that’s the key, too. We keep. Don’t remember, remember, please, please remember.

you know. I think he’s smart enough to hear once or twice, and you know, be okay with that, don’t you?

I used to one thing rooted taught me. We would write down like if something’s really heavy. It’s really heavy on your heart, and you write the word down and fold it up, and either put it in your Bible. Put it in a prayer box, put it in a I put it in a drawer, and the really really hard thing that I was going through at the time I wrote it down, and then I just gave it to him, and I said, Take it, I can’t. This is out of my control. It’s out of my hands. Take it, it’s yours, and that’s when breakthrough happens, when you do truly believe and have that faith and.

And expect it, that it’s already on its way, unless you say. you know. But I can’t afford it, you know, or you know, whatever the 1 billion things that we ask for something. And then well, we try to do it in our world, in our timeline. Yeah. And like, we have control. So it’s silly. It’s totally silly to do that. And but it’s it’s it’s okay. So well, we are winding up. 

Our here is truly a blessing to have had this make this work, you know, coming here I am in Denver, and I’ve my son just for his birthday, and he just texted, It’s gonna be minus 25 this week. And I said, I’m still at the airport. I’m going home. I know I am not a cold weather person at all.

We have a good jacket and warm socks, and a scarf, and everything, because whoo!

2025 below is a lot. But anyway, I don’t. I don’t like particularly cold weather, and guess what. just in online of what we were just talking about. There are people that call me the weather Guru and so sometimes I do. And it’s not me changing weather. It’s just thank you for protecting my city. Thank you for my protecting my home. Thank you for the rebuking. Then you know the tornado that, you know. Thank you.

And I was in Iowa one time. I said, I don’t do blizzards because a blizzard was coming. It skirted around. That was so funny, anyway, I don’t do it, but I ask for what I want and release it. And that’s I think the secret. Did you watch that movie? They left some of these things out.

Yeah, I didn’t watch the movie. I read the book back in my twenties thirties. I don’t remember back in the day. And it. It does leave out God, and you can’t leave out God. It doesn’t work.

But it’s still the secret, I mean. But what they also left out is the how, the expectation, and things like that, how to, because all things are possible, all things are possible. So it’s not like wishful thinking so much, but speaking what you want with bold confidence, it’s already on its way. And if it does great, if it doesn’t. It’s okay, too. It’s Everything is perfect, because where we are is all we have, and everything is always working out for me. Those are. That’s 1 of my mantras, you know. It’s always working out, and even when it doesn’t feel like it, it’s still where all I have to deal with right now.

And you might not understand how this cog in the wheel I always told my kids like today is a drop in the vast ocean of your life. There’s going to be so many more moments and relationships and experiences. So don’t get stuck. Get out there.

I’m so glad you said that quote because I have it highlighted and we’re more better together. Today is a drop in the vast ocean of your life. I am the relentless, relentless architect of this, of the possibilities in others.

This is Ben Xander, if you haven’t read about him. Oh, so good like me.

The relentless the possibilities of others. This is my vision as a life coach. And I set this intention. Years ago, when I worked at the bank as a coach and a leader. I want to be a relentless architect of the possibilities of others, and now I do it in your life, not just in banking, but in life, because we’re better together, and we can find so much more when we are.

The last line of your quote that you wrote in your notes is gratitude and disappointment cannot coexist.

Coexist. They can’t just like hope and depression. They can’t.

Yeah, if you’re thankful that I have fingernails, you know, I mean, it does something, finds something, and then builds on that build on that build on that right? So well, the Charla Anderson show is the, you know. Here we are at the end of the hour, and it goes so fast it always does, and I’m so incredibly grateful to not only have you as my guest, but as my friend, and in my life now. So when I get back to Texas next week we’ll have to get a in person hug.

Yeah, I need to get my coat back, too.

Yes, you left your jacket the 1st time you were there, and lots of lots of fun things to come, I know, for sure. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being part of my time here today. And I did. You find it very distracting? I know it. That’s terrible. It wasn’t terrible. So I’m you never know. And they didn’t do a whole lot of announcing, too, you know, which is a good thing. So anyway, we’re we’re. I hope that the replay turns out just great. And it should. So I’m going to stop the recording and and remind everyone, because it is my name, 

I Always say, and everyone Always Choose Joy.

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About Barbara Zinda

I am an empty nester who raised two boys as a single mom. They are now 24 and 26. I gained a daughter last year when my oldest son got married and they are expecting my first grandbaby, a girl! I was raised in a Catholic home where faith was at the center of the love my parents shared and they deeply desired for that faith to exist in the lives of their children. I had some trauma in my teens and found myself fractured and far from God. I spent many years trying to fill the God shaped hole in my heart, not knowing the whole journey was pushing me to this very moment. I was made for more than being just a girl, just a wife, just a mom, just an executive. I was made to help others get unstuck faster than I did and to meet them right where they are. I remember 2020 when I found myself alone, isolated, sick, scared, and with a lack of purpose. I went to therapy where my therapist kept saying I had a God shaped hole in my heart. I did not know what she meant, or how to find God. I remember telling her I had no purpose now that the kids are grown. They were my purpose! Now what? She was facilitating a program at her church called Rooted, and the day before our session they were discussing purpose. She asked me to see if they had Rooted in any of the churches near me and just check it out! So I paid the $50 and put it on my calendar. Thank God I didn’t listen to the voice inside my head saying to just stay home. It’s easier to isolate than connect with a bunch of strangers. Rooted changed my life. God reached right into my life and showed me how to live a life full of joy, peace, patience, love, forbearance and trust. I went back to school to study Psychology and left a Fortune 500 company to start my life coaching practice. When we are in crisis, we need a lot of support and love and hope or we stay in despair, isolation, depression, and grief. People find me when they are stuck and need some help moving forward into the light. Sometimes it is a quick fix, other times it takes time to create new mindsets, habits, beliefs, connections. My goal is to help move people from the lies and darkness that form in difficult times into the light and the love that is all around us. 

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As a Ziglar Legacy Certified Trainer, a retired award-winning flight attendant, Olympic Torch bearer, personal development junkie, Inspired Speaker, Published Author and Your Courageous Coach, I want to share my passion of living life full-out, saying YES to intriguing opportunities, and encouraging YOU to do the same. Let’s jump on a discovery call and get to know each other. Find all things Charla at CharlaAnderson.com/links.

On The Charla Anderson Show, We discuss Mindset, How much Your WORDS matter, Princess to Queen energy, mantras, HOPE, Faith, Miracles, Overcoming, and much, much more, including learning from amazing guests.

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