Reclaiming My Life, Rewriting My Story! A Journey to An Empowered Alcohol-Free Life

Reclaiming My Life, Rewriting My Story! A Journey to An Empowered Alcohol-Free Life

About Melissa Barnes

I’m Coach Melissa, an alcohol free life coach with a mission to help women reclaim their power and live a fulfilling, alcohol-free life. Embracing my sober life wasn’t always a priority for me. In fact, I went about my young adult life as expected, working hard and playing harder. But as I got older, my life goals changed, my priorities shifted, my family grew, and my health and ability to handle stress changed. Most importantly, my ability to handle alcohol changed.  I aim to change as many lives & families as possible and watch 1 million women reclaim their POWER!

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Introduction

Good, beautiful day, beautiful, beautiful souls! This is Charla Anderson, Host of the Charla Anderson show collector and connector of fascinating people, and everyone is fascinating, especially you.

Incredibly excited to introduce you to the sobriety coach Melissa Barnes today and and understand, you know, what does that mean? How are we gonna have a no, no fun in our life, sobriety coach, and we have to be sober? Or can we have fun, too? Anyway, we’re going to learn a lot about that in this episode. I cannot wait to share with you and introduce you to Melissa Barnes.

And before we get started, we’re going to do our little 22 second mini vacation, our little breathing exercise that we’re going to breathe in calm for 7 seconds. Hold for 4 seconds and breathe out gratitude for 11 seconds. So are you ready? Let’s get going here. Breathe in some calm. Here we go.

Hold, release, release. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Let’s just get grounded a bit and settled in. 

So we’ve met. We met through the change, the book, the change, the amazing book I have a chapter in and version Number 21, and I believe yours is 22.

We both had Les Brown write the forward, and to all the books, I believe, and so excited about that because that’s a credibility factor that we all can enjoy. And as we move forward, if anybody is listening to this, and would like more information about being in book 23/24 reach out to one of us, because that’s an incredible place to meet.

And we are the reason not just a compilation book, but a mastermind and a Facebook group that is very, very high level and love it, love it love it. But that’s where I met Melissa, and she reached out, and we became connected to come on my show. 

So, Melissa, tell us a little bit about yourself who are. I know you’re in Canada, and it’s a big blizzard going on right now. Let’s learn about who you are in this world, and we’ll talk about a lot about what you are up to.

Absolutely. And thank you so much, Charla, for having me on today. It’s been an absolute pleasure speaking to you so far. My name is Melissa Barnes, and I live just outside of the city of Toronto, in Ontario. And yes, we are having our very 1st snowstorm today. I’m a mom of 3 – 14, 10 and 6 years of age. I also have a 21 year career in death and grief, care, and industry. That is my chosen career, and as well as a certified alcohol, freedom, life coach.

And that comes from a journey a personal journey that I’m happy to share with you as well. And so I am a busy mom. Life gets busy. Life gets crazy running businesses and working and doing the mom thing and the wife thing and all of those beautiful things in life. So I’m looking forward to discussing more of my journey with you today, Charla.

Well, thank you so much, for I am a little bit I’m just kind of in awe of this whole topic, because I don’t know that I know of any other sobriety, coaches, or whatever. And what I read is that you are considered the standard, and you know the master in Canada, at least, and I know you’re serving worldwide.

So you have created something that many people either are affected by or know people affected by alcohol, and I mean alcohol in and of itself is not wrong or bad. But you know how it is used sometimes becomes that right.

It does, and not only just how it is used, but how it personally will affect certain people right, and things change with that, and especially as women with hormonal changes the way we consume alcohol, even even just one or 2 drinks can drastically change things within you physiologically, with your sleep patterns, your healthy patterns. There’s so many things at play here. It’s more than just overconsuming alcohol. But there are other factors as well that can really make people step back and have a look at their relationship with alcohol, and if it’s serving them.

Well, and I know that there’s a lot of us that can’t even imagine having a life without, you know, having some drinks here and there, or more, maybe more.

And more.

And more. But wait, there’s more, yeah. I don’t think you would have been doing what you’re doing here, and you come from the grief industry. I mean that means, I guess, death and funerals and stuff like that. That’s why I had not heard it called that so much either. So you have spent a lot of your major career doing that, which is amazing.

So I’m guessing that most of us do what we do because of something that we know, the mess that we’ve made of our lives right? So there’s nearly always my show that is so often about overcoming. And what? What do we do? What have we overcome? And how can we offer hope? So? This is a place for you.

Awesome, so I’m very happy to share. I’m very open and honest about my journey with drinking. which started much like anyone else’s, would have. At the age of 19, you become the legal drinking age here in Ontario, and it’s almost like a right to passage. Let’s go to the bar. Let’s go to the nightclub. Let’s live life. Let’s go have fun, and it is socially ingrained within us to socialize with it.

Adulting. Yes, it’s adult. Right? Yeah.

Absolutely is. That’s what makes you feel like a grown-up all of a sudden. You go from this, you know, college student or university student, and you’re really just still a kid. But you want to be grown up. And so, what more grown-up feeling is going out and having some drinks or being allowed to go ahead and do that, you know.

And so, progressively, my drinking was just as normal as anybody else’s. I would say, you know, weekends were parties, camping trips, vacations, the all-inclusive, and all of those things. But I was always a heavy drinker when I did drink.

I would never classify myself in my twenties as an over drinker and over-consumer. I always had a career, lots of money. I had goals, I set goals, and I achieved them. but when I did have a weekend, it was all in for drinking and partying and socializing, and we were all the same. The whole friend circle, right? And it was just the norm, and it still is, of course, but into my thirties things started to change, and as I mentioned. I do come from the grief and death care industry, a heavily, emotionally impactful position which pulls on the heartstrings.

It is, it can be draining if you allow it to. And so I think where it really started for me is a release of those emotions. In the evening, after my work was done I would sit down with, maybe go out to dinner with a girlfriend. This is before my husband and my kids, of course, go out with a friend and have some wine and maybe a nice meal over at the restaurant or at the pub, and that progressively got more and more and more. And I never would have deemed myself as having a problem which we’ll get to with alcohol.

But as I got a little bit older, things started to change where the next day I was horrifically under the weather. You know you’re going to bed late. You’re still having to get up. Things aren’t processing, and your body is quite the same. And just over the last sort of 5 years of my drinking life became a little lackluster for me. I was tired all the time. It was affecting my sleep patterns. I would randomly wake up at, you know, 2 or 3 in the morning, and I couldn’t go back to sleep. You know I was having that anxiety, as we call it. It’s sort of like the pre-hangover when your mind is just going crazy and having 3 children in the house.

At some point, something clicked, and I said, I am not living my purpose, and I am not feeling great. There’s got to be something to change, and I just knew what it was within me. It had to change.

Yeah, wow, so there we all have. Nearly all of us get this defining moment, or sometimes it sneaks up on us. But usually, there’s a defining moment that we go. This just isn’t working for me. What do I need to do? And so that sounds like you kind of had a defining moment.

But you know it’s when you have a lifestyle of something and your circle of friends and people, you know it’s going to change the dynamics if you take a step, especially something like drinking that everybody’s used to. And you know, then you take it a step away, and you know I’m guessing it. It changed the friendships or the times that you could stay with them, or can you still go and party with them, and not indulge.

I am a huge advocate that life doesn’t stop just because you change a habit, and I will be honest with you, Charla. I am passionate about driving this home to more people, more mamas out there who feel like they’re going to lose everything around them.

You know, for decades looking at drinkers. It has been painted very black or very white. You’re either a normalized social drinker or you are an over-drinker, and you have a problem, and you are an alcoholic, which is a term that I do not use. but standard. That is the word that is used, and I think a lot of people are fearful of it.

I socialize. I go out for dinners. I go out to the pub, crawl, I have mocktails. I go to Christmas parties. My husband will have a beer or 2 every week. It can happen right under my nose. I don’t. It does not bother me, and it is the process of how I have been able to release alcohol out of my mind. That has brought me that true freedom that I speak of.

So I think you mentioned something about writing a contract for yourself. You were. You had the moment that you made a decision. And I know that we can do a split-second transformation. Change your words, change your life, and if you actually literally change your words, you can change your life, and so we can tell the story. You tell yourself. Right? So tell me about this contract you had.

Yes, I love this contract. I have never had to pull it out and reread it. My mission has been strong and powerful from the get-go. I signed and dated a contract I vowed to myself at that moment. Now that was on day, 2 of me being alcohol-free. I was going through withdrawals, I would say that I was physiologically addicted to alcohol towards the end of my drinking and so

I was feeling all the negative feelings of it coming out of my body. And that’s just from daily drinking. We’re literally poisoning our bodies when we’re intaking alcohol daily. Right? It’s ethanol gas. So I was feeling certain ways, physiologically as well as emotionally. I made sure that I put that down on paper to serve as a reminder

oone day going forward if I needed to read this again to recall those feelings, because now, 4 years later. Those feelings, although I knew I had them, and I could recall them very, very vividly. To read them on paper puts it back into the conscious mind, and makes you recommit to yourself. And I work with my clients, and I ask them to put their goals down on paper, and I also ask them to write a version of a contract or a letter to yourself.

As to why this is something that we’re looking at, changing for what reasons. And then we can really start in the work because you’ve opened up the vault.

Yeah, awesome. Yeah, it does. You know, it’s like, even over overeating, or whatever it is, it’s it, it’s not. It doesn’t start with the mouth. It starts with the brain. It starts with the decision. It starts with a choice. And I’ve, you know, we’ve all experienced that moment that we’re like time.

Draw the line in the sand. I will choose a different path, and it may or may not be about alcohol, but I guarantee you. We all know someone who is struggling, or they may not know they’re struggling, but they have an addiction of some sort that would change everything for them.

If they could release that or get a grip on it. And so you, what I think I understand, too, about your program is that you don’t have. I mean, there’s we all know about alcohol, and how alcoholics are anonymous, and it has done some remarkable things over this and decades. I think of this program out there, and it gives people a place to.

Go and help and feel like they can mentor others in that sort of thing. I do know someone personally who. When they gave up alcohol, has never missed a meeting in probably 25 years; every single day, no matter where they are in the world, they find it a meeting. And I’m like, did that shift one addiction for another? I mean, it’s a cleaner addiction.

What do you think of that?

You know I don’t. I don’t like to spend much energy speaking negatively about any other program, because we all know that it has given tools and support to probably millions of individuals worldwide. But there’s a lot of differences in this program. Do I think it’s swapping out one addiction for another? I think you have a valid point there. Not everyone is to the extreme of going every day.

But what I do find more extreme is sort of the policy. The rigidity of it all, like one size fits all, this program works this way from A to B for every individual. I think in 2024, almost 2025. I am out here trying to spread the word because I know I’ve had conversations with hundreds, if not thousands of people that say, Melissa.

I really want to look at this, but I am not willing to step into those rooms and do what they want me to do as to say that is the only way to get sober. Just isn’t. It’s not a reality.

And I, as a mom of 3, how could you take an hour every day? And you also, I believe, said, you know even this, the long-term programs to go into rehab, or whatever it just was, not really a good option for you I want to address. And I’ve had this feeling and thought around the AA program, and I promise you I’m not. You know I am not disregarding it. I think it’s done so much for so many people over the years, but it depends on your personality. I don’t. I?

Every word matters, I mean every word matters, and I have in here, that whatever you say after the words I am is who you are, and if you repeat it, it’s who you become. And so the main issue that I’ve ever thought about with the AA. Program is you have to continue to claim every single day that you are an alcoholic, and I’m like.

I don’t want to claim what I don’t want. If you know our mind does not do that, I claim what you want, not what you don’t want, and I am having fun. I am sober, I have a life of health and wealth and health and abundance, or whatever it is, speak what you want, not what you don’t want, and that has always given me a little hesitation around that program for me, anyway, for anybody. I? You know my thoughts on that. What do you think?

For me, too. I think the value that is there within the program is wonderful. But I mean, there’s nothing more disempowering than admitting to yourself that you are powerless to a thing like you are succumbing your power to a substance that you are an alcoholic. I mean that in itself is very disempowering, and, in fact, the word alcoholism has been completely debunked. It is alcohol. Use disorder. If we are going to be scientifically correct here. There’s nothing more disempowering than wearing a label forever like

Hi, my name is Whatever, and I’m an alcoholic and it does not feel good. I always knew that wasn’t my own personal path, and I do not identify as such, and I never will, and I never encourage anybody to have to identify as something that they don’t want to be, and you’re bang on Charla. Whatever you want in life is what you need to strive for. You want to be alcohol-free. You want that freedom; you want the life of your dreams. You want to step in and live your purpose. You want to start a business. You want that promotion. You want to be the best mom or dad; you want to be the best spouse.

Those are the things to focus on, and I feel I’m with you with the sense of disempowering state of verbiage right in recovery. The word relapse gives me chills. They are not. Those are not terms that I use within my program. And so I think you know, when people are looking for options. And they say, Oh, that’s not me that doesn’t sit well with me. But what are my options? And there’s not enough people talking about it saying, you’ve got choices here. It’s not a 1 size fits all. So thank you for bringing that up, because it’s important.

I do. I mean only the serenity prayer. I love a lot of the things that have helped so many people. But it is not a 1. Size fits all, and I don’t. I can’t imagine being that person that has. That is so claiming what you don’t want all for, maybe years. And so you tell me about your program. And because I feel like me, we’re in. We want empowerment. We want to be our best. And I feel like the little bit I saw about your program seems to really emphasize searching for your reaching for your goals and dreams right.

It is. It’s all about reaching for your goals and dreams. And you know, one of my sort of top things is not just about releasing alcohol out of your life. I mean, of course, that is a key player. That is what I am certified to do. But also I want to bring you the tools, the know-how, the success, the empowerment, the belief. But most importantly, it is an individual

program for you and your needs. So, what do we really need to dive into? To reframe those thoughts, you know, reframe those beliefs about alcohol and what it’s doing to rethink your pattern of thought. And what are your blocks behind it? What are you hiding behind alcohol for? You know, what are you using it for? Is it a tool to cope? Is it cool? Is it a tool to manage your overwhelmed stress? Is it a release for you?

Are you secretly very introverted? Or perhaps you battle with a lack of confidence, and you use alcohol as a tool to bring you out of your shell. This is something that I hear very often, and I would say I fell into that category very much as well. It makes me happy. It brings me out of my shell, and I’m this wonderful Socialite and I think we start to hide behind that, and then we lose little bits of ourselves.

So in my program, I use scientific methods. We understand alcohol. We learn about the functions of alcohol, how it works and how habits are programmed into your mind because it’s not about being an alcoholic. It’s about having this pattern programmed in your mind over and over and over again. And the possibility is that we change those habit patterns. And then we replace those habit patterns with healthy, beautiful habits that are going to help you achieve your goals in this life. And that’s what it’s really all about.

Habits, habits, habits. I do believe that you know, they’re are, you know, days or people that have can go without alcohol anytime unless they take the 1st drink, that’s a second, that then there’s that pattern of wanting more.

And there’s a scientific reasoning for that. And that’s part of the system where you sit down and really understand functionally what alcohol actually is doing on a scientific level. And people sit back. And even me. 4 years ago, I was like, wow, I didn’t know all that right. And so I think that we’re just glamorized to see how beautiful drinking is the Martini, the wine glass, the vineyards, the tastings, and all those things. And we see the beautiful side of things, but we don’t very often see the not so beautiful side of things. And me personally,

I don’t know too many people that can have just one drink and then walk away and carry on with their day. I don’t, truly, and I wouldn’t say that they have a problem, but I would say it would be the unicorn in the room for someone to have a single drink and get up and wander off and do something else completely different. And that’s it, right? And that’s just what it is for a lot of people.

So brings to mind the last 4 or 5 years have been life-changing for the vast majority of people on our planet. Right? I mean, we’ve shifted so many of the things that we did and are doing, and so many more people are working from home. And you know I used to see memes about the day drinking and stuff like that, and I’m not. I would not be surprised if that has become way more prevalent than we can even imagine.

You are absolutely correct. It has. It has brought more problems into family units than anybody could have ever even thought were to be possible. And it’s in a lot of homes. And it’s very, very sad. And it’s unexpected, and a good point is, and let’s go backwards just a little bit, because in the standard program, you’re told that you have a disease, that you are genetically mutated. Somehow you have a chromosome within you that dictates your future for addiction, which I believe is Boo! Boo!

There is 0 scientific proof to believe in that. And yet, people will fight tooth and nail to say that is absolutely true. I, personally, do not believe in that. You could take every average housewife right. A woman who has children. She has a job. She drinks one day a week, maybe she has a date night with her husband and has a glass of wine. But when you take that woman out of the norm and place her at home.

She’s now home with her kids, trying to manage a virtual job, and she’s turning to drinking, just to manage that. It’s all strange. It’s weird, it’s overwhelming. The kids are there. She can’t get work done.

And you can, and because it’s there, and you can right sorry to interrupt. But you know it’s accessible. It becomes easy. And you don’t have to go anywhere like you’re not driving anywhere. And what difference does it make?

Nobody’s watching, nobody’s watching. And then, all of a sudden, that average woman who was just average in the beginning, looks at you a year later, and now you are doing it every single day, and it’s become a habitual routine for you. And that’s not because you have a genetic mutation in your body. It’s because you formed a new habit in your lifestyle, and that’s it. There’s nothing wrong with you.

I love that. You’re pointing this out because, to me a disease. Now, I think that there’s an industry out there maybe called insurance and health sickness care, whatever you want to call those industries. That when you can have it called something, then you can get, you know, then, that goes through. Now, all of a sudden you have a this ease,

and you know their. The government will go ahead and help you get treatment, and then you get reasons to get off and all that kind of stuff, and I just don’t.

I think they’ve done that with more than just alcohol, but that certainly is one so dis-ease. And this, if God can create it, he can heal it. So let me just say, no matter what you have. If you can take a breath, you have the opportunity to change things and change your world and be healed because you can think differently and act differently,

and I know that. Oh, you know, you talk about the scientific side of things. And we have I mean the 3 brain guys. You know, Joe Dispenser, Bruce Lipton and Greg Braden. And you know, a bunch of the researchers have proven. These things that we do have control over.

More than we think we do, and can’t have the incredible power over much more than we think we can.

Absolutely you are able to create whatever it is you desire. Whatever the experience is to call in, you can create it, just have to have the right tools, and you have to have the right support right.

How do you? So? I had never heard of us. Sobriety, certification, a coach certification. So there’s got to be more than just you out there. That are doing this, but it’s not well known, and I’m grateful that there are options other than the traditional.

Yes, I’m with you, I’m with you. And 4 years ago, when I started this journey, I’ll tell you a funny story. My husband is of the old school, right a little bit older than his years, and when I said, I think you know, it’s got to be the time, because I’m not getting any younger.

And I don’t want to be, you know, with the kids this way, and I don’t want them growing up thinking this is, you know, everyday drinking is normal for them. Our society is way different than we grew up in. And it’s already too stressful for a lot of kids growing up. But I didn’t want this around. And he said, Well, you know, you could go to those meetings.

I didn’t say any words, but I feel like my facial expression really did dictate what my feelings were on that. I, too, 4 years ago, had no idea there was an alternative other than white knuckle, and it was through the research now I was certified as an NLP Practitioner with my grief, care, industry already, Charla.

So I knew that there were certain principles that we could take from grief, care, emotional damage, and trauma, and start reworking the system through that pain, that trauma, and that grief and repurpose our life and bring in this healthy, happy lifestyle. And I thought, Well, why not? Why not? Why does this have to be any different? We’re reprogramming the subconscious mind to change the thoughts and the patterns.

And NlP is Neuro Linguistic Programming, and a lot of people will. And most people, I think, will know that now But just to clarify that. And I’ve been aware of it and participated in some of that as well. I am just training your brain, basically, isn’t that it just training your brain to do something different than it wants to.

Right, and that it’s telling you to. And I think it’s really important that people do understand, because there’s a lack of knowledge you don’t learn about this in school, and it’s really a very important, valuable tool that maybe should be taught in schools about how important your thoughts really are. And, you know, like 96 to 98% of your daily functioning thoughts and movements come from the subconscious mind.

Really, only 3% of your daily movements come from the conscious. So it’s getting into that conscious mind and really digging deep. That’s where everything has been. That’s where all the neurotransmitters have been built. We need to change the roots for those thought patterns, put the block into the negative reroute and create new neural pathways for solid, positive thoughts. And so.

You can explain that a little bit more, but I wanted to. I also know that every subconscious thought, every they will. You will never have a fresh new thought without shutting up the old voices because they want to keep you safe, even if safety is bad. It’s just familiar, right so often, it’s just familiar. And so I wanted just mention that because I don’t know that everybody realizes that so much of our what we do on a daily basis.

And what we think is the same thing we thought yesterday and last year and 5 years ago. And you know, if you have a new thought and want to try something new. They’re like. No, no, no, we don’t know how to do that. And so we got to just thank you for sharing.

I appreciate your input and I, we’re going to try something new. So, it’s a mindset that is so incredible. And I know when I did, I lost what I went through. I created my own diet, so to speak. I don’t, I believe, die or die with a cross at the end. I don’t. I’m not a big fan of diets, but I lost 50 pounds or so after I think I did it 3 times.

But anyway, when I created this one, it’s like, just say no, just say no, just say no, just say no. And that moment just said no, and learned. I trained myself to do that, and then project what it was going to feel like the next day. If I didn’t.

Up that cookie, or whatever it was, instead of I reversed my own thought around it instead of usually it was like, Am I? Gonna am I? Gonna I’ll just drink. Am I gonna take this drink? I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. But oh, well, whatever. But if I think about it tomorrow instead, will I be? Will I be happy? I took the drink, or will I?

Yeah, or that ate the cake, whatever it is.

Yes. And you can, if you can, project to the next day and another time in the future about you know many meals I have had, that I am so memorable that it was worth everything. Every morsel I put in my bike, or every drink I put in my mouth. So those are reserve, reverse psychology, things that I did on my own and created. And I would just say, No, just say, no, okay, just say no.

Until and then I would. This is for food, and I would just go. Okay, you know, as a flight attendant we would have ice cream sundaes or whatever, and I’m like it was just easy if they were left over to just, you know eat them up.

Stand behind the curtain and eat him up. But if I literally would make a decision, I would wait 30 more minutes, and I was like, you know what I think. I will have a bite of ice cream, and I was able to.

Manage that, so that I don’t think that translates as much to the alcohol thing here. But it was. It was a very useful tool for me to just just say no for right this minute. Just say no for this minute and this minute, and then make decisions around that.

You’re absolutely right, and you’re not wrong, and I don’t think it’s I mean eating any habit, smoking, overeating, you know, not exercising, not being healthy. All of these things are habitual patterns, right? And so you’re absolutely right when you’re training yourself to say no, just wait 30 min. Well, every craving only lives for 20 to 30 min. So if you can consciously be aware that calling for the drink or the cake or the cigarette.

It will last only a small amount of time, and if we at that moment anchor in something positive, do something different.

We’re starting to reframe the thoughts. We’re bringing it to the conscious and saying, Yeah, I see what you’re trying to do to me. But you know what, we’re just going to go this way for a few more minutes, and then at the end of 30 min. If I really feel like having, you know, indulging or going that way. Then we’ll talk about it then, right and most of the time by then.

You’ve already convinced yourself to go the other way, anyway. So then you’re not interested. But the subconscious really is the powerhouse of everything you’ve ever learned from childhood all the way up until this very day, and it’s the same with anything. You know the way you’re raised, the way, you know people make statements, and then you catch yourself saying those statements that your mother said to your children. You said you would never say that.

But here’s 20 years later, and all of a sudden you’re saying the very same thing. These are all things because they’re just routinely ingrained into your mind. And then you went to the subconscious mind.

It doesn’t necessarily want to hurt you. Well, the subconscious has no idea what’s good from bad. What it does want to do is protect you. And by telling you what your normalcies are and keep you in those habits.

In those familiar in your familiar time. Not anything that’s new is like no, no, no.

Scary Right The Danger.

I have learned to just run. Yeah, it’s like, Wait a minute. You know you’ve never said that before. You’ve never done that before. You never dreamed that before. Don’t, don’t!

Don’t! No, no, no, no! All right. Go there.

Got this. Don’t go there. You’re, you know. Yeah. But as you know, I want to be healthy, so I don’t want to eat this. But yeah, but you, you know, remember, your comfort zone is because you’re you’ve got this shield. Nobody. You know you this, this shield of weight, or whatever it happens to be, that you know that is keeping you safe from whatever.

Whatever. 5-year-old thing that was, you know, when you were 5 years old got oh, ingrained, ingrained in you that I’ll will never let anybody hurt me like that again, or, you know, offend me like that again, or whatever it happens to be, and then build those layers and layers and layers.

They’re literal. They’re neural pathways in your mind. You do not know they are there; it happens, and it’s either knowing or unknowing. And it’s like that with any habit anything like, you know, January is coming up. So, let’s say New Year’s resolution is a big thing. A lot of people do. I don’t personally do it.

But a lot of people do, and we’re going to give up something right. Sugar drinking. We’re going to start exercising. I’m going to lose all this weight, you know. Every day I’m going to get on the bike or go for a run,

or whatever the case may be, and if you haven’t lived that way for the last year, 2 years, 3 years, 5 years. You know that New Year’s resolution will soon die off, because that is not what your mind is programmed to function like.

So if you’re not dedicated to daily making this a conscious effort, no, yeah, no, I’m not sitting on the couch eating chocolate cake. I’m getting on the peloton, and I’m going to do 20 min, and that’s just what it is, if you don’t keep working at this to form those new habits, you will go back to your old habits, and it’s just the way it is.

The law of diminishing intent. Are you familiar with that law? We’re familiar with it. We may not have heard the name of it, but that’s right. So we choose. Okay, you know, we’re going to do something, and our thoughts come to mind, and I guarantee you, if you wait 24 hours it’ll be way down here, and if you wait 48 hours you’ll know it’ll never get done.

So when you think of someone you know, that’s the time to sit down and write them a note, or pick up the phone, or whatever. Because those the law of diminishing intent will take it away, and then the point of that is, you know. Oh, yeah, I’m going to start tomorrow, and I want to address you. Have you addressed the difference between commitment and conviction? You know I feel like there are some.

You know. We often make a decision, but we don’t. We don’t commit to it. We don’t. We don’t ingrain it into our subcont in our, in our draw, a line in the sand over it, right? So is that I feel like. I noticed that with people the commitment is fleeting the conviction, if they don’t ingrain it with a conviction that there, there’s going to be a change.

Right. And there again, too, I think every journey is different. Everyone comes to me for different reasons. So I have people that come and say, this is it I need this. I’ve got to do this. Everything’s on the line. If I don’t, I’ve got that at this. That’s the extreme right. And I’ve got sober, curious people who join me on a 30 day challenge, who are wanting to see what the benefits are of going alcohol free for a small period of time.

Now I think that it is easier for people in their mind to say, well, I’m going to start with this 30 day run. and I’m going to see how I feel at the end of that 30 day run. And I would say 70% of the people that join me on a 30 day run, go to 60, go to 90, go on 6 months, and some of them just keep on going because they see what it is doing for them.

There they start the commitment and the conviction, because they’re seeing the results. The fear is the forever moment. This is forever. and that’s a scary thought to say that I’ll never drink again. I’m whatever age I’m 35, 40 years old, even 50 years old, and I’m never going to have a drink again. That’s a very scary thought to have. So I think, you know,

If you’re jumping on your very 1st call with me, you probably haven’t had the thought. This is forever. I’m convinced this is my conviction notices right now with you that this is forever. And I think that’s okay? And that does come.

So that’s something that we work on. When people say, you know what I’m seeing the benefit of this, you know, I’m already seeing my patients return all of these beautiful, you know, physiological benefits, but not just that. My kids look at me differently. I sit with my kids, and I am enjoying my time with them, and I don’t have to say no, because I’m hiding in the corner finishing my my drink

all kinds of things, and I think the conviction does come. And then at that point the individual is able to say, You know I am free from this. I don’t need it. I don’t need to moderate. I don’t need to go back. I don’t want to, because I feel so much better. I know what it was doing to me, because I have the proof. And it’s when you have the proof that you’re able to say, you know, this is my lifestyle, and I think that’s fair.

Verbiage you’re talking about, I mean changing your words, changing your life. I mean, really speaking differently to yourself.

Is huge. I want to.

I don’t want you to tell people who you are and how to find you before I mean here it goes so fast. So let’s figure out. And remembering that the vast majority of people will listen and not watch. So spelling it out and and

Sure the whole thing, so you can find me on my socials. It is Melissa Barnes, MELI, SSAB, A, RNES. And that is my professional Facebook profile. From there you are able to link into any of my social platforms.

And also, if you want to send me a text message. That’s a really easy way to get started a very simple way. So I will give you my phone number. And it’s (905) 404-5033. And you can send me a text message, and we can start the conversation there. And that makes it very simple.

And your website “sobrietycoachmelissa.com”

 And then my email address is the same. So it’s “melissa@sobrietycoachmelissa.com”

Very cool. Such a needed conversation here and such a need of yeah, I mean we I don’t. I think most people I know would. could use some guidance along this road.

You know, just a fun fact, just a fun fact. 60% of North Americans who were polled last year said that they would enter into sober or dry January, 60% of North Americans. That’s a huge amount of people that are willing to say. Sure, I would take a break and see what that! What that looks like for me. That’s pretty cool.

Well, they would have a lot more success, most likely, with a coach, with someone who has a plan. So what is the 1st step in your plan? I mean, what besides? Just texting and hey, I need help, or you know what?

Tell me more whatever. So if I did that. Then, what’s next? What’s next?

What’s next? So if you are open to it, we get on sort of a call. It’s very low key, and it’s called a strategy plan. So whether you decide to work with me or not,

I want to give you some tools that you can take forward into your life, so I would like to get a sense of who you are and how you’re drinking, and what you’re drinking, what your goals are, and the goals are truly important. Now, my program is individualized. I’ve got 4, 6, and 12 week programs.

They are one and one on one. And once I get to know you and know you a little bit about your story. Actually build out your program. And it’s a customized program just for you. This is not a 1. Size fits. All these aren’t recorded dry training that I give to the same person over and over again. This is a customized plan just for you to build out your success plan.

Well, that is impressive. So as it is, you know, most people that have one on one programs it, it’s pretty costly.

Well, for the month of December I am actually running a special. So it’s called the Bridge to sobriety, and it’s 4 weeks. It’s personalized one on one. Just for 4 weeks. It can be used for a dry January, a dry 30 day run, and it is just as in depth as my full program, and I am running that for 60% off to start in January, which is a huge savings because I want to get this out into the hands of people all over the world.

I want women to know about it, men to know about it, and parents. And one thing I will encourage. If you are the spouse of someone who, you know can do better in their life by making better choices, you are welcome to reach out to me as well, and speak to me about that. You know everything is confidential that we talk about, and then maybe we can, you know, get your partner on the line, too, because life is short.

We really don’t know. You know how long we have on this planet. Right? So if you are concerned, spouse for your spouse, for your family, reach out to me, too, and we can put a plan in action.

It’s really, really beautiful. It actually gave me chills. So that you know that we do have relationships that could certainly benefit. And typically, I mean, typically there’s if one is doing it, the other one probably is too, but not always the case, or one to make one makes that decision and needs the support of the other one. Right?

And I just for the day the words just for today I believe might come from Aa. I’m not, but I believe that when talking verbiage a minute ago, you know, I believe that I don’t have to. This is not. I never have. It’s like, let’s you know, I want to feel good. Today, I want to feel good tomorrow, just for today, I’m gonna make this decision. And then they? Then they build on each other right? That’s a way, and probably one of the simplest ways, to choose that path.

It’s a very successful way to do it, too, and I think it’s almost. It puts the mind at easement so that you’re not walking in with the block already. Right? We just build, we just build. We just build. I mentioned the word relapse. That’s a dirty word. I don’t like that word. and I have clients who come and they feel shameful, and you can just tell by their body language . You know. I went backwards a little bit. Yesterday I thought I could have a drink. Well, that’s fine, you know. What are we going to take from this right like.

Let’s start from where we are. Right? Right.

Yeah.

Not not.

Need to go backwards.

If you’re still here today, you’re still admit you’re you’re you came back right? So what a gift to have the grace, the grace to say that, and I’m very excited for your success in this whole thing. I know.

Thank you. It’s worth.

The conversation for many, many of us. So I think a lot of us are. Do you think some of it is? We’re almost afraid that if we would, we might be too successful if we allowed ourselves to have the freedom from old habits.

Yeah. So if you’re familiar with, you know, manifestation practice and weird laws along with it. you know the fear of losing something because you’ve become so successful. The fear of what can happen when you become this amazing human being? You know. My oh, my friends are going to leave, you know my husband might leave me all these things if I become. you know, so successful that people view me as this, you know hierarchy, or. you know, too good for them anymore, or snooty, or whatever. This is a block in your mind, and we need to tuck that away too. But there’s ways to dissolve those blocks, too, and that is.

So don’t get. Don’t get too big for your britches.

Yeah.

And I, you know, really, my mom had a saying that I used to think was a really good saying, and then I went. Wait a minute. Hmm! She said, Be content with your lot. Don’t think you’re meant for things when you’re not. And I you know. What does that mean? I definitely want to be content where I know I want to be content.

Yes.

But then I don’t want to. What am I not meant for? And so this is a very old saying that was in my world, and then don’t get too big for your britches and those kind of things. So all those things that we were fed.

Yes.

It was not, and to, you know, to hurt us most of the time. It was just what they heard right? And so. Yeah. So it’s a. And then that self-talk is there? It’s a real thing.

It really is, it really is, and more light really needs to be, you know, spotlighted on this, the self-talk, the limiting beliefs, all the things that we put in our place. We put these roadblocks there because it’s almost like subconsciously, we do not deserve success. We do not deserve this happiness.

or we are comfortable living as a victim in trauma. and we do not want or see a way out. There’s a lot of things at play here and again, and I’m sure you’re the same way. That’s why everything is individual. That’s why working with a coach who does individual programs is so crucial because not, we’re not. All the same, we don’t have the same story.

That would be.

Boring.

None of them, none of us do. None of us have.

Okay.

Yeah, we all have our stuff. So it’s almost like we’re at the end of the hour. It’s just. I’m always so surprised it goes so fast. And I feel like this was a very, very, very powerful conversation about a topic that many people don’t really want to talk about.

I agree, and I really appreciate you bringing this out and bringing the word out to more ears and just spreading the word that it doesn’t have to be this fearful shadow. I’m out here. I’m living the alcohol, freedom, life. I tell whoever I go out to party and have fun, and you can, too. So thank you, Charla, for bringing this out and getting this into more people’s minds to think about that. There’s nothing to hide from.

Thank you. I think we’re on a healing journey. And I think it’s a good, certainly a good time of year. Although most of the podcasts and stuff probably won’t be out till close to till in January. But it that’s hopefully evergreen and you’ll be hearing from people a few years from now, too. So I’m grateful that you found this path. I mean, I just I know it’s so badly needed to perhaps shift the perspective that, hey? Yeah, you know, I can do this. I can. I can go a day or a week without.

That’s right.

And it’s and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. And I mean when I say that I mean it doesn’t have to be never, never, never, never, never! It’s a you know, when Gazette that’s rude That’s.

Scary.

That’s a scary thing going well, but you know, what about the toast at my kids? Wedding, you know. And so we project along that line, too, right.

Absolutely.

I really do. Our minds are very tricky. They are Well, you’ve been a great Melissa Barnes. I appreciate you so very, very much, and the Sobriety coach sobrietycoachmelissa.com and it’s refreshing. It’s just refreshing what you’ve what you’ve brought here to the table, and I’m and I’m so happy to have had an opportunity. Thank you, I guess with you share it with me.

Been a beautiful pleasure getting to know you this afternoon, even for the short hour which flew by so fast.

It always does. I love, I mean, my name means to chat in Spanish right, and it means joy in Greek. But I love getting to know people. And so

I’m going to. What I typically end up saying in my end of my shows is like to remember to

Always, always, always choose joy!

Important Links

• Melissa Email:   melissa@sobrietycoachmelissa.com & melisssb84@gmail.com
• Your Website:  http://www.sobrietycoachmelissa.com
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melissa.barnes.771
• LinkedIn- http://www.linkedin.com/in/melissa-barnes-66ba0885
• Others- @soberjourneywithmelissa

Connect with Charla Anderson:

For more insights and to follow Charla’s creative journey, check out her website and her other projects:

• Website: CharlaAnderson.com
• YouTube: Check out her channel for beginner art tips, life wisdom, and more!
• Win Win Women: Catch her on winwinwomen.tv to watch her shows and learn more.

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About Melissa Barnes

Melissa is a dedicated wife, a proud momma of three fantastic children, and a passionate career woman. Together, they live a very full and rewarding lifestyle that has them running every moment of every day, from school to work to hockey, dance, swimming, and gymnastics. Their days are full of hustle and bustle. After two decades in the death and grief care industry, running a business of highdemand and emotions, as well as her family life, she realized that she needed to make a change when her drinking habits began to interfere with her relationships, well-being, and self-confidence. In other words, alcohol was draining more than it was adding. So, she started writing a “contract for change” with herself and entered into a transformative journey of empowered alcohol-free living. Nearly four years later, as an Alcohol-Free Life Coach and Empowerment Coach, Melissa helps moms break free from the grip of alcohol and step into their true potential. Her values are built on a foundation of empathy, experience, and empowerment, and she is dedicated to supporting women as they reclaim their lives and embrace their roles as powerful mothers, professionals, and individuals. Melissa flips the script on sobriety, breaking the stigma around women and drinking and inspiring other women to embrace an alcohol-free life full of strength, purpose, and joy. She aims to empower women to rediscover themselves, rebuild their confidence, and thrive in every aspect of their lives.

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As a Ziglar Legacy Certified Trainer, a retired award-winning flight attendant, Olympic Torch bearer, personal development junkie, Inspired Speaker, Published Author and Your Courageous Coach, I want to share my passion of living life full-out, saying YES to intriguing opportunities, and encouraging YOU to do the same. Let’s jump on a discovery call and get to know each other. Find all things Charla at CharlaAnderson.com/links.

On The Charla Anderson Show, We discuss Mindset, How much Your WORDS matter, Princess to Queen energy, mantras, HOPE, Faith, Miracles, Overcoming, and much, much more, including learning from amazing guests.

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